Posts Tagged ‘Where’s Waldo’

Here’s the deal. A few days ago I got a coupon in the mail for one dollar off my purchase of –

milk-2

 

I have no idea what a2 milk is. I’ve never heard of it before. Then again, the dairy case at my grocery store gets more confusing every day. The choice used to be: whole, 2%, 1% or skim. And, to be honest, I didn’t even fully understand these choices. 2% of what? Or is it 2% milk…and, in that case, what’s the other 98%? Generally these choices were color coded and I typically made my decision based on which hue I found most appealing.

Now, of course, there’s almond milk, soy milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, rice milk, and many, many more. I don’t have the faintest notion as to how one gets milk from an almond – but this stuff is increasingly popular, so I can only suppose that someone out there is sitting on the world’s tiniest stool and placing the world’s tiniest bucket under an almond and milking it.

Every day I hear a report that one of the above is healthiest for me, followed by a report the following day that reveals that the previous day’s report was entirely incorrect and I should, in fact, drink something else entirely. Meanwhile, all I want is for my cereal not to be dry.

Remember those simple days when the milkman would drop off a bottle every Sunday? Me either. But I’ve seen it in movies. The milkman dressed from head to toe in white with a cool milkman hat and a smile that is borderline creepy in its excessive joy. Regardless, it was certainly a simpler time. The milkman never asked if you wanted unsweetened vanilla flavored soy coconut milk. He never asked anything. He just kept smiling and incessantly bringing you bottles of milk…come to think of it, I don’t recall ever having asked him to brink milk. What’s with that guy?

I’m way off track. The point is, there are too many milk options. I don’t need this many choices. And now, I’ve got an inexplicable coupon for a2 milk.

My coupon informs me that this particular milk comes from “cows that naturally produce only the pure A2 protein.” As if that is at all helpful.

It further offers the following diagram –

milk

So, apparently, regular milk comes from half gray, half purple bovines, whilst this new and improved product comes from the special all-purple cows. What kind of madness is this? I’m supposed to go buy something I’ve never heard of based on a barnyard coloring book? This is the least informative graphic ever.

You know, I don’t care if the milkman was psychotic, I just want someone to bring me a refreshing liquid to pour on my cereal tomorrow morning. I don’t want to have to search through the dairy case like it’s a Where’s Waldo book. I don’t want to have to compare and contrast the most recently milked nut. And I don’t want to have to figure out the difference between purple and multi-colored cows.

Screw it. I’ll just have oatmeal.

Here’s the deal. I’m a big fan of receiving recognition for my greatness. If there was an award for excelling at enjoying receiving awards, I would have already received it. Twice. From my soccer trophies as a young lad to my other soccer trophies as a slightly less young lad, I have a proud history of collecting accolades. And my life as a blogger is no different. While I have yet to wrangle the coveted Bloscar or Blemmy, I have now officially received the Liebster Award.

What is the Liebster Award, you might ask. I don’t know, I might answer. But research indicates that it is an award of “some type” that was created by “someone” for “reasons not entirely known.” And I, obviously, couldn’t be prouder.

I must, of course, thank The Knee Deep Life for the nomination. I imagine there are also numerous other people I ought to thank. I’m thinking, maybe, some guy named Larry? It’s not important now. The important thing now is to focus on completing my acceptance of the award, which involves me answering ten questions created by Alyssa, author of the aforementioned blog. So, let’s get to work…

English: Baby koala, captured at Currumbin Wil...

What in the world am I doing in Makya’s pocket?

1. If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Food. Hands down.

2. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?

My uncle Bobo once told me, “Never rank advice that others give you.” And I’ve always considered this to be the best…oh, whoops.

3. What’s a story that you always pull out of your pocket at parties?

I never pull stories out of my pockets at parties. I prefer to pull out confetti, small candies or conversation starters…like, baby koala bears. Which will prompt other party goers to query, “Why in the world do you have a baby koala bear in your pocket?” After which I will tell them the incredibly interesting story of why that baby koala bear was in my pocket.

4. If you could live forever, would you? And why?

Forever is a long time. Some people say silly things like, “It took forever at the DMV.” Which is rarely, if ever, true. Usually they mean, “It took three and half hours at the DMV.” Which is, when you think about it, not even in the ballpark of forever. These people, it would seem, have a very poor sense of time. What was the question?

5. What’s one talent that you wish you had and why?

I wish I was better at answering blog award questions. Why? Because then I’d have something clever to say here.

6. Where’s your favorite place on earth?

There’s this beautiful, remote, atmosphere-free little spot where I used to hang out all the time as a kid. Oh, wait, that was on the Moon. Hmmmm, Earth? I guess New Jersey.

7. If you could put one animal in charge of leading the world besides humans, what kind would it be?

I’m not sure why you assume humans would be my first choice. We don’t seem to be particularly good at it. This is a tough question. I think dogs would honestly give it their best effort, but I worry they’d just slobber too much. Dolphins are known for their intelligence, but not necessarily their leadership skills. I mean, have you ever seen a dolphin run a meeting? They can barely manage to set up their graphs and charts with their silly little flippers. It’s really not that impressive. Ants seem to live a very structured life. But, on the down side, they’re ants. And ants running the world? That would be ridiculous. So I guess I’ll just toss my vote to Ralph Nader.

8. Where is Waldo?

He can be found in the popular book series Where’s Waldo? But you have to look carefully, he is sometimes frustratingly difficult to spot. (Oh, I just now got those books).

9. What’s your idea of the greatest vacation?

I would love to be a dog groomer to the stars. Can you imagine trimming Brad Pitt’s poodle? Seriously, does it get any better than that? That’s the best vocation I can imagine.

10. What’s one of your favorite blog posts you’ve ever written so we can all go read it?

This one I’m writing right now is my current favorite. I considered including a link to it here, but I thought that might create some kind of information super highway black hole, and when people clicked on it the whole system would go haywire in an infinite series of electronic regressions resulting in the internet exploding – destroying computers, smart phones, and billions of cute kitty videos. So simply scroll back up to the top of the page if you’d like to read it.