Posts Tagged ‘unicorn’

Here’s the deal. Unicorns are not awesome. Not even close. They don’t do anything. All they do is sit there, not existing.

Even assuming you love horses (which I don’t…I am decidedly unexcited about the prospect of a horse. If someone told me they had a barn, and then they told me that there was a horse in the barn, the value of that barn would not change in my mind. That is, the horse would neither enhance nor detract from the barn. In other words, if I were offering to purchase the barn for, say, five hundred dollars. And then the seller were to say, “But wait, the barn comes with a horse.” I would still offer five hundred dollars. Which, by the way, may or may not be the going rate for a barn. I never claimed to be an expert on barn pricing. But that’s really not what this is about. This is about my indifference towards horses. Which are basically like big dogs. But, in their defense, they drool less. And you can ride them. But still)…but, even assuming you love horses, how would a single horn make that horse better?   

Sure, some people claim that a unicorn’s horn is magic. But those same people say that you can’t capture a unicorn, so what’s the difference? Here’s some magic you can never have, whoop-de-doo. Or, in some legends, only a female virgin can capture a unicorn. But is unicorn hunting really their priority? I would assume that the female virgin is likely busy trying to capture a date for Saturday night.

But why does the myth persist? I found a little research site on the web called “Wikipedia,” and it said crazy things like the fact that unicorns are mentioned in the bible, that Aristotle wrote about them, and that historians and scientists generally believed unicorns to be real well into the 19th century. What? Can this be so? Did no one ever wonder why there was never a photograph or, say, any evidence whatsoever of a unicorn having existed?

I believe the fact that unicorns are mythological is now basically accepted by those of us who are not twelve year old girls. But just to be clear, I did a little additional research and checked in with Yahoo! answers…

Guess that clears that up.

So just stop it everybody. Stop buying glittery, pink, plush unicorn dolls, stop putting up ridiculous posters of unicorns prancing in front of rainbows, and stop oohing and aahing at porcelain figurines of silver unicorns bowing their heads near a peaceful, babbling brook. Unicorns are useless. Even if they were real they’d be useless. Yeah, you know the number one thing that I think horses are missing? The ability to stab me. Yep, that would be a real improvement.

Why not a horse with a hand gun? Why not an exploding horse? Why not a horse with three or four horns? How about a septicorn? What about a horse with a magical, invisible hand bag…but you can never see, touch or experience the handbag or the magic contained within.  What about…you know, I wish I could stay and continue to mock unicorns all day, but I’ve got to see a man about a barn.