Posts Tagged ‘milk’

Here’s the deal. A few days ago I got a coupon in the mail for one dollar off my purchase of –

milk-2

 

I have no idea what a2 milk is. I’ve never heard of it before. Then again, the dairy case at my grocery store gets more confusing every day. The choice used to be: whole, 2%, 1% or skim. And, to be honest, I didn’t even fully understand these choices. 2% of what? Or is it 2% milk…and, in that case, what’s the other 98%? Generally these choices were color coded and I typically made my decision based on which hue I found most appealing.

Now, of course, there’s almond milk, soy milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, rice milk, and many, many more. I don’t have the faintest notion as to how one gets milk from an almond – but this stuff is increasingly popular, so I can only suppose that someone out there is sitting on the world’s tiniest stool and placing the world’s tiniest bucket under an almond and milking it.

Every day I hear a report that one of the above is healthiest for me, followed by a report the following day that reveals that the previous day’s report was entirely incorrect and I should, in fact, drink something else entirely. Meanwhile, all I want is for my cereal not to be dry.

Remember those simple days when the milkman would drop off a bottle every Sunday? Me either. But I’ve seen it in movies. The milkman dressed from head to toe in white with a cool milkman hat and a smile that is borderline creepy in its excessive joy. Regardless, it was certainly a simpler time. The milkman never asked if you wanted unsweetened vanilla flavored soy coconut milk. He never asked anything. He just kept smiling and incessantly bringing you bottles of milk…come to think of it, I don’t recall ever having asked him to brink milk. What’s with that guy?

I’m way off track. The point is, there are too many milk options. I don’t need this many choices. And now, I’ve got an inexplicable coupon for a2 milk.

My coupon informs me that this particular milk comes from “cows that naturally produce only the pure A2 protein.” As if that is at all helpful.

It further offers the following diagram –

milk

So, apparently, regular milk comes from half gray, half purple bovines, whilst this new and improved product comes from the special all-purple cows. What kind of madness is this? I’m supposed to go buy something I’ve never heard of based on a barnyard coloring book? This is the least informative graphic ever.

You know, I don’t care if the milkman was psychotic, I just want someone to bring me a refreshing liquid to pour on my cereal tomorrow morning. I don’t want to have to search through the dairy case like it’s a Where’s Waldo book. I don’t want to have to compare and contrast the most recently milked nut. And I don’t want to have to figure out the difference between purple and multi-colored cows.

Screw it. I’ll just have oatmeal.

Vs. Goats

Posted: January 30, 2013 in Animals
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. What’s so great about goats?

For those outraged readers who are, at this very moment, leaping from their recliners and shouting to no one in particular, “What the fiddlesticks!?! We need goats!” I humbly disagree. I mean, come on, we already have sheep.

And aren’t goats just the sheep family’s black sheep? A goat is like the twenty-two year old sheep who, trying to find himself, comes home from their sixth year of college sporting a goatee, shaggy hair, one too many body piercings and ready to butt heads with any and all authority figures. Settle down emo-goats, you’re not nearly as hip or original as you imagine.

Allow me to counter every pro argument for goats.

PRO – Goats are valued around the world for their milk, meat and hair.

CON – Goat hair? What the hell am I going to do with goat hair? Gross.

And that’s it. Those were all of the known pro-goat arguments.

Speaking of hair, did you know that both the male and female goat have beards…that’s just freaky.

A 2 month old goat kid in a field of capeweed

What’s the big deal?

Honestly, what is it that goats do exceptionally well? They’re coordinated and have great balance, which comes in handy…almost never, as they spend all of their time standing in remarkably flat fields grazing. Other than that…they’re known for eating almost anything. So is my Uncle Bobo. Big deal.

Goat lovers claim that they (the goats, not the lovers) are extremely curious and intelligent. Well answer me this – if they’re so smart, why did they choose to be goats?

Even history’s most famous goat isn’t really a goat. Pan is a well-known character from Greek mythology. You’d recognize him if you saw him. He has the lower body of a goat and the upper body of a cooking utensil.

Bottom line – everything goats do they do not as well as some other species. Rhinos laugh at goat’s sad little attempt at horns. Sheep baa their derision at goat’s attempt to create wool. Rams snort their disgust when goats butt heads as if they’re afraid they’re going to break a nail.

When people all over the globe enjoy their delicious stewed, baked, grilled, barbecued, or fried goat meat, each and every one of them are thinking to themselves, “I’m thoroughly enjoying my stewed, baked, grilled, barbecued, or fried goat meat…the only thing I’d enjoy more would be anything else.”

And what’s with the milk? Goats are all like, “Look at us, we’re making milk!” Uh, yeah, just like every other female mammal on the planet. Big whoop. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, goats, but not that many humans enjoy your milk. Only two percent of the world’s consumed milk comes from goats (95% comes from cows and the remaining 3% comes from Pamela Anderson).

And what do goats call their kids? They call them kids. Real creative, goat-jerks. Way to steal our name for our offspring. Think of original names for your young much?

And what the hell is a bleat?

I’m sorry. Deep breaths. I need to settle down. It’s just…I hate goats so much. No, no, it’s okay. I’m okay. I just need to relax…I’ll be fine…I’ll just slip on my comfy cashmere sweater and enjoy a scrumptious slice of feta.