Here’s the deal. Candy is a hot button topic this time of year. All the celebrity parents are dishing: What treat are you handing out this year? Full size or fun size? Healthy or decadent? Are Kit Kats in or out? But whatever your opinion on candy dispersal, we can all agree on one thing. White chocolate is ridiculous.
Let’s clear up one point first – everyone likes chocolate. To not like chocolate is not a valid opinion. It doesn’t have to be your favorite food, you can enjoy it in moderation, but you have to enjoy the taste of chocolate. It’s what separates us from the lawless apes. And that brings up a number of questions. Why would anyone go and invent white chocolate? Why are we still producing white chocolate? And, what the hell is white chocolate?
I don’t know about you, but I go to the Huffington Post for all of my chocolate news, and they report that, “White chocolate doesn’t qualify as genuine chocolate because it doesn’t contain chocolate solids. White chocolate is typically made from a blend of cocoa butter, milk solids, sugar, milk fat, and lecithin – a fatty emulsifier that holds it all together.” Sounds like Frankenstein’s monster confection to me. Cooked up in some lab by a mad scientist with a half eaten Snickers on a slab connected to electrodes that run first to a corpse brain and then to a lightening rod on the roof. No thank you.
And, frankly, it sounds racist. Of course, you run the risk of anything sounding racist when you pop the word white in front of it. White supremacy. White power. White Christmas. (“Why can’t I invite my friend, Jose, to the Christmas party, Dad, it’s just not fair!”) I imagine a bunch of honkey lawyers and doctors sitting around their country club saying, “Yes, this Hershey’s bar is tasty, but it’s just so darn dark. Isn’t there any way to make it both delicious and whiter?” The answer is no. There isn’t a way to do that. When you make it whiter it tastes like crap.
Chocolate is so damn good. Why are we messing with it? No one’s trying to market a purple banana or a silver watermelon. Let’s just leave it alone alright?
It’s just wrong to serve people this impostor food. Telling someone you’ve got chocolate for dessert and then offering them white chocolate is like telling people you’re going to take them out to see a comedian and then taking them to see Tom Green. A cruel, cruel joke.
And let’s not forget that it’s not even chocolate. Why not call kale green chocolate? Why not call aluminum foil metal chocolate? Why not call Bernie Sanders socialist chocolate? You can’t just run around adding chocolate to your name to make you look better. Chocolate has a long, important history of tasting delicious and it shall not be sullied by these misnomers. So join me, friends, let us toast with a Twix and never give into this little white lie.