Posts Tagged ‘Donald Trump’

Here’s the deal. Like a bear with a snooze button addiction, I’ve been on an eight-month blog hibernation. But nothing will wake you up in a cold sweat quite like the most alarming political candidate of a lifetime. But Donald Trump transcends politics. People can argue over political ideas. Fine. But this isn’t about that. Because he doesn’t have any political ideas. He has almost no ideas at all.

Look, all public figures misspeak and have gaffes. Over the course of years in the spotlight, mistakes will be made. But Trump is a whole different category. In researching this post I came across an article in Vanity Fair called, “Seven Terrifying Things Donald Trump Has Said in the Last 36 Hours.” Pretty incredible. This man says more ignorant, hateful, braggadocious things before breakfast than most people will say in a lifetime.

And what is Trump’s central qualification for this surreal presidential bid? His business success. He never tires of talking about how he makes great deals, how he’s the biggest, HUGEST, best businessman in the whole universe. But he doesn’t often talk about the forty million dollar inheritance that got him started. I don’t know about you, but I have a suspicion I might look a little more successful myself if I had a forty million dollar head start on life. His father gave him more money than most people see in a lifetime and made him president of his real estate company…being born ridiculously rich – that was by far the best deal Trump ever made. In fact, there was an article written about how Trump would be as or more rich today had he merely invested his inheritance…so he is exactly as successful as he would be had he not done a single thing.


But I’m not here to try and make a joke out of Trump – he’s doing a much better job of that himself than I could ever hope to do. I’m just here to assemble some of his verbal low points. And to reinforce the fact that, this November, Americans will have a very important, tough decision: whether to vote for Hillary Clinton, or to vote against Donald Trump.

  1. “I will be so good at the military, your head will spin.”

The great thing about Donald Trump is that he’s great at everything. EVERYTHING. And anything he’s not great at he will soon be the absolute best at. When asked a number of foreign affairs questions that he could not begin to answer, he simply reassured us all that, at some point in the future, he will know everything about everything. (If he has the power to immediately be the best at anything, I just don’t understand what he’s waiting for)

  1. “How do you define leadership? I mean, leadership is a very strange word because, you know, some people have it, some people don’t and nobody knows why.”

Exactly…except for the fact that volumes of books have been written about what makes a good leader. People will disagree, but a lot of thought has been given to this subject. It is, therefore, perhaps a little alarming that the man who is vying to be one of the most powerful leaders in the world has no real idea of what might make a good leader. Then again, I’m sure he’s confounded by strange words he can’t figure out on a daily basis.

  1. “I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.”

Is he bragging about his humility? Donald Trump is the opposite of the Terminator. Instead of a machine that has become self aware, he is a human who is entirely unaware.

  1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s, like, incredible.”

A wildly rare moment of clarity for Trump. Even he can’t believe what he’s getting away with.

  1. “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”

Yes, a sure sign of intelligence is the constant insulting and belittling of everyone you come into contact with. Mocking the handicapped, judging every female only by appearance, insulting any and everyone who crosses him in even the slightest way – it all reeks of exceptional intellect. As we all know, Einstein was famous for wandering the streets and yelling about how stupid everyone else was.

  1. “Two Corinthians 3:17, that’s the whole ballgame.”

As you’ll likely remember, this is Trump speaking to the Christian Liberty University and claiming to be a HUGE God type guy. He later explained this unusual reading of the bible verse, “It’s a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I’ve had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two.”

I agree with the beginning of his statement – it actually was a small deal. But the real problem here is that it perfectly demonstrates Trump’s complete inability to admit any mistake. Trump smacks us in the face daily with his glaring, obvious mistakes…and he defends each and every one of them like a toddler covered in cookie crumbs insisting he doesn’t even know what an Oreo is. It would be so easy to say that he misspoke, but instead he insists he was treating the audience to a Scottish interpretation of the scripture. And who are the “many, many people” who confirm each of his delusions? Oh, Donnie, you’re endless attempts to recover from your gaffes only makes you all the more ridiculous.

  1. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

Trump is the first candidate since…ever…to twice refer to the size of his penis in presidential debates. (And did he just say that the size of his genitals are “well documented”? Does he have reams of reports on his girth stashed under one of his solid gold couches? Has he hired a journalist that dedicates all of his time to measuring Trump and typing up graphs? What the hell is going on here?) I have never known any human being so insecure (finally, something he actually is the best at). He can’t let any small criticism go, he has to fight to prove that every part of his personality and body is HUGE.


  1. “I know words. I have the best words.”

I’m sure you do. If only you could just once remember to use them.

  1. “Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”

This is a man who thinks that after claiming that the vast majority of all Mexican immigrants are criminals and worse, thinks that a picture of himself with a taco bowl will make everything all right. Reminds me of the time Roosevelt said, “Sorry about those Japanese internment camps. I’m eating sushi! I love Asians!”

  1. “She does have a very nice figure. I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Not only is this one of the most disturbing things one can imagine a man saying about his daughter, it wasn’t even misunderstood or taken out of context. Trump states, “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter…” so the fact that he has thought about dating his own daughter is something that he talks about often. Dear Trump supporters, a few questions – How? What? Why? Holy shit, wwwhhhhyyyyy?

  1. “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

This was Trump’s response to the question of who he’s consulting on foreign affairs. Wow. It’s a humdinger. You’re absolutely right, Mr. Trump. You have said a lot of things.


Here’s the deal. We’re only a few weeks away from the start of the 2012 London Olympic Games. The best athletes in the world will be running, jumping and swimming their way into our hearts and record books. But many are unaware of the fact that each year the Olympics offer a number of exhibition sports in addition to the more traditional fare. And wouldn’t you know that those silly Brits are bringing Muggle Quidditch to the Olympics.

English: The Olympic Flag flying in Victoria, ...

“Six elevated ring-shaped goals”…are you telling me that Quidditch is now the official logo of the Olympics?

First things first, you probably think that was a joke. It was not. It is a truth. Here’s the story if you don’t believe me. Second things second, as one of the fourteen people in the world who has neither read any of the Harry Potter books nor seen any of the Harry Potter films, I don’t know what Quidditch is.

Let’s see…according to my old pal, Wikipedia, it’s “an extremely rough but very popular semi-contact sport, played by wizards and witches around the world. Matches are played between two teams of seven players riding flying broomsticks, using four balls and six elevated ring-shaped goals three on each side of the Quidditch pitch.”

Is it just me, or does participating in this activity in the real world present a number of problems? The most obvious dilemma – “flying broomsticks.” A secondary issue – “wizards and witches.” And my greatest concern – this is freakin’ crazy.

But it’s gonna happen. Quidditch is an Olympic event. Those naked Greeks are probably rolling over in their graves. But it got me to thinking, if Quidditch made the cut, what sports were denied access to the games. So, for your Muggle pleasure, I offer…

The Top Ten Rejected Olympic Events

11. Two Meter Dash – Let’s face it, we live in a fast-paced world. Who has ten seconds to watch an entire 100 Meter race? I think the two meter dash would be the most exciting track and field event of all time and am saddened that it didn’t make the cut due to “a tremendous lack of interest.”

10. Hungry, Hungry Hippos – While a mighty rivalry has built over the years between Finland and Zimbabwe at the Hungry, Hungry Hippos National Championships, this thrilling sport still lacks international respect and has been repeatedly denied access to the games.

Years of overindulging on marbles had ill effe...

Which nation’s hippos are hungriest?

9. Jumping to Conclusions – The major impediment here is the lack of a universal rule book. Some countries measure their champions by the speed with which they jump to conclusions, others favor accuracy, and some still give points for creativity.

8. Celebrity Apprentice – This looked like it was going to happen, but Trump trumped the notion of an international panel of judges, declaring that he alone would award the Silver and Bronze medals (further complicating issues was the fact that he preemptively awarded himself the Gold). There is, however, some discussion of a possible Cash Cab event for Rio in 2016.

7. Scrapbooking – In a competitive setting, much more thrilling than you might expect. I’ve got my fingers crossed for the Winter Games.

6. Sitting in a Meadow on a Summer Afternoon and Contemplating the Meaning of Life – Strangely, no one can recall who proposed this in the first place. The main problem with implementing this as an official Olympic event is that it’s very difficult to determine a winner.

5. Calvinball – This one is my personal pet project. I say if J.K. Rowling can invent Olympic Events, why not Bill Watterson? For those unfamiliar with Calvin and Hobbes, Calvinball was a game invented by a comic strip boy and his tiger friend and involves a volleyball, badminton set, flags, masks, a hobby horse and time-fracture wickets. The only rule is that the game is never to be played twice with the same rules. And, as Calvin said, “Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball.” This is great, as any time any Olympic event started to get boring, it could just morph into Calvinball. (I’m also lobbying for Fireball from Friends, Brockian Ultra-Cricket from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and Flonkerton from The Office)

4. Javelin Catch – This nearly made it through. Each javelin thrower was paired with a catcher and we were all set to introduce a new sport…unfortunately, not a single catcher survived the trials.

3. Speed Dating – I’m a big fan of competitive speed dating. It simultaneously pushes athletes to their limits while fostering global relations. Sadly, your more socially awkward countries keep voting this down.

2. Red Rover – I really would love to see this played on an international level. “Red Rover, Red Rover, send the Czech Republic right over.”

1. Synchronized Swimming – This was rejected for many, many reasons. First of all…what? This wasn’t rejected?

Here’s the deal. Since creating this blog when I was just a lad, this is the longest I’ve gone without a post. What happened? I got busy. Yeah, that’s right, I had things to do, what, you want to fight about it? I can have things to do. Just because I’ve spent 87% or the past six months on my couch doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally have an errand to run. Firstly, I had to do some writing. While I continue to provide comedic nuggets on this blog free of charge, from time to time people still pay me to write. And when they do the freebie nouns and verbs take a back seat. Secondly, I spent twenty hours playing in a poker tournament over the weekend. This is not that unusual. I play a lot of poker. What? You think I have a problem? Yeah, the kind of problem that pays my rent, suckers.

And, speaking of paying the rent, what’s the deal with pennies? They’re completely useless. Australia and New Zealand did away with pennies years ago. Where’s our national pride? How can we hold our heads up while we fall behind these Southern hemisphere countries? Australia already leads us in Vegemite exports, kangaroo deaths, boomerang sales (and returns…get it?), and Crocodile Dundees, we can’t afford to let them take the lead on currency elimination.

English: Large amount of pennies

That’s a lot of thoughts.

What can you buy with a penny (other than someone’s thoughts)? You need a whole pile of them just to purchase some gum. They’ve lost all their value. Did you know that it currently costs our government 2.4 cents to mint one penny? We’re losing more with every one we make. Meanwhile, it cost only 7.7 cents to produce a hundred dollar bill. No one’s suggesting we start outsourcing our production of c-notes to companies that will charge us $240 apiece.

And Lincoln fans need not make a fuss, the guy’s already got the five dollar bill. Abe’s great and all, but enough’s enough. I say we search our couch cushions, dig under our car seats, empty our piggy banks, and eradicate the lot of them. After all, when it comes to pennies minted between 1909 and 1982 (back when they were 95% copper) the value of the metal (2.2 cents) is worth more than the coin. We could solve our nation’s debt crisis if we gave all of our spare pennies to the government and let them melt them down and sell the metal. Come on, it’s a no-brainer.

Twice Congress has introduced bills to get rid of the penny and twice they’ve failed to pass. Probably because polls show that a majority of Americans want to keep the penny. But so what, polls also show that a majority of Americans think that Donald Trump is savvy. I don’t get it. I mean, we used to have a half-cent. We got rid of those back in 1857 and nobody cares. Granted, all of the people that used half-cents are now dead, but I’m guessing they didn’t lie on their death bed ruing the loss of their precious half penny. They were almost certainly much more concerned with the fact that they were dying.

So, let’s do it. Find a penny, pick it up…and throw it away. Or mail it to Congress for the great copper melt down of 2012. We don’t need these in our pockets anymore. They are, literally, just not worth it. So join me, friends, in ditching the penny and petitioning the U.S. Mint to cease production. Bottom line – it no longer makes sense to make cents.