Posts Tagged ‘cereal’

Here’s the deal. A few days ago I got a coupon in the mail for one dollar off my purchase of –

milk-2

 

I have no idea what a2 milk is. I’ve never heard of it before. Then again, the dairy case at my grocery store gets more confusing every day. The choice used to be: whole, 2%, 1% or skim. And, to be honest, I didn’t even fully understand these choices. 2% of what? Or is it 2% milk…and, in that case, what’s the other 98%? Generally these choices were color coded and I typically made my decision based on which hue I found most appealing.

Now, of course, there’s almond milk, soy milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, rice milk, and many, many more. I don’t have the faintest notion as to how one gets milk from an almond – but this stuff is increasingly popular, so I can only suppose that someone out there is sitting on the world’s tiniest stool and placing the world’s tiniest bucket under an almond and milking it.

Every day I hear a report that one of the above is healthiest for me, followed by a report the following day that reveals that the previous day’s report was entirely incorrect and I should, in fact, drink something else entirely. Meanwhile, all I want is for my cereal not to be dry.

Remember those simple days when the milkman would drop off a bottle every Sunday? Me either. But I’ve seen it in movies. The milkman dressed from head to toe in white with a cool milkman hat and a smile that is borderline creepy in its excessive joy. Regardless, it was certainly a simpler time. The milkman never asked if you wanted unsweetened vanilla flavored soy coconut milk. He never asked anything. He just kept smiling and incessantly bringing you bottles of milk…come to think of it, I don’t recall ever having asked him to brink milk. What’s with that guy?

I’m way off track. The point is, there are too many milk options. I don’t need this many choices. And now, I’ve got an inexplicable coupon for a2 milk.

My coupon informs me that this particular milk comes from “cows that naturally produce only the pure A2 protein.” As if that is at all helpful.

It further offers the following diagram –

milk

So, apparently, regular milk comes from half gray, half purple bovines, whilst this new and improved product comes from the special all-purple cows. What kind of madness is this? I’m supposed to go buy something I’ve never heard of based on a barnyard coloring book? This is the least informative graphic ever.

You know, I don’t care if the milkman was psychotic, I just want someone to bring me a refreshing liquid to pour on my cereal tomorrow morning. I don’t want to have to search through the dairy case like it’s a Where’s Waldo book. I don’t want to have to compare and contrast the most recently milked nut. And I don’t want to have to figure out the difference between purple and multi-colored cows.

Screw it. I’ll just have oatmeal.

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Here’s the deal. I love cereal. Here’s how I shop for cereal – I buy whatever is on sale. That’s how much I like cereal. That is to say, I like so many different types of cereal that I am content with whichever brand is currently discounted. That being said, there are definitely some cereals that are better than others…

BONUS LIST – TOP TEN CEREALS

(11) Honey Graham Oh’s

(10) Cinnamon Toast Crunch

(9) Fruity Pebbles

(8) Captain Crunch

(7) Rice Krispies

(6) Krave

(5) Grape Nuts

(4) Special K Chocolatey Delight

(3) Cinnamon Life

(2) Honey Bunches of Oats

(1) Crackin’ Oat Bran

I must, however, take a moment to say that I do have my issues with Fruity Pebbles, namely – Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble. Did you know that these two used to star in a commercial for Winston cigarettes and a promotional short for Anheuser Busch? What kind of role models are they for children? As animated characters, they should know better. And, as I recall, in their cereal commercials, Barney was always finding ways to steal Fred’s Fruity Pebbles. Theft, underage drinking, and tobacco usage…any other messages for the kiddies watching at home, you pre-historic brutes?

Dude, she REALLY likes corn.

Then again, cereal advertising has always been weird. There was that criminally insane bird who fixated on Cocoa Puffs. There was that sad, unfortunate rabbit that only ever wanted a bowl of Trix, but was tormented by the cruel children who refused to give him even a bite. There was that wildly mistaken leprechaun who insisted that we’d never get his Lucky Charms, even though they were widely available at grocery stores everywhere for a few bucks. There was Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch who…okay, that guy’s actually pretty cool. And, according to the world wide webs, in 1965, Honey Smacks experimented with a mascot called the Smackin’ Bandit, a half mule, half kangaroo creature that would try and kiss everyone in sight. Yikes.

What the hell is going on in cereal commercials? Our product will drive your children to steal. Our cereal could lead to mental instability and hallucinations. Eat ours, and never share again. Ours is part of a complete, balanced breakfast…and could result in molestation from an ungodly abomination of a creature.

I also don’t particularly like how low they set the bar for new cereals. There is no other item in the grocery store that will introduce new brands so flippantly. Have a television show? We’ll turn it into a cereal. (Addams Family, Scooby Doo, Sesame Street, The Smurfs, SpongeBob Square Pants, etc.) Made a movie? Now it’s a cereal. (Star Wars, Kung-Fu Panda, Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, E.T., Gremlins, Pirates of the Caribbean and others). Is your toy popular? Why not churn out yet another cheap, soon to be discontinued brand of breakfast delight? (Rainbow Brite, G.I. Joe, Barbie, Hot Wheels, Cabbage Patch Kids, Nintendo, and Monopoly have all been cereals).

Was there a Mr. T Cereal? Of course. Did someone produce Urkel-O’s? Amazingly, yes. Is there a Richard Petty themed cereal? Why not? Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cereal. Somehow it happened.

This is the dark side of my beloved breakfast treat. The fact that cereal companies will use any flavor of the week to create a flavor of the week. They probably have a huge vat of generic, sugary crunchy stuff. Dump in some blue marshmallows and they’ve got Smurfs cereal. Next week, they toss in a Johnny Depp trading card and call it Pirates of the Caribbean Flakes. After that they simply add some cabbage flavoring and – bazam – Cabbage Patch Kids cereal.

Please, just stop it. These are not good cereals. No one, and I mean no one ever in the history of the world, should have to eat an Urkel-O.

Which brings me to the point of this blog post…isn’t it annoying how long it takes for the cereal companies to update the back of their cereal boxes. You know how they put the games and puzzles on the back so you can have some wholesome family entertainment along with the most important meal of the day. Well, last week Honey Nut Cheerios were on sale, and imagine my disappointment when I got home, turned the box around, and was instructed to, “Help Buzz out of a Sticky Situation.” Son of a bitch. That’s the same damn sticky situation Buzz was in last time I bought this cereal about a year and a half ago. Has no one helped him out in all this time? It’s not that difficult to deduce which is the actual mayor and solve the code. And, frankly, I don’t want to do it again. It was just barely fun the first time. So, cereal companies, new games on the back of the boxes please.

And, dear God, no more Urkel-O’s.