Posts Tagged ‘business’

Here’s the deal. The time has come for the third in my three part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” It’s been quite a journey. And it’s been wildly rewarding to discover how many topics there are that I know so very little about.

One such topic is getting a job. I do not have a job. I do not know how to get a job. I’m not entirely sure what a job is.

That being said, I’m going to dive right in and divulge my secrets to getting your dream job.

Deutsch: Die Blue Man Group im Foyer des Theat...

They must get all the good jobs.

(1)   Dress for success. I have made a lot of mistakes in this area. Here’s what I’ve learned. (a) No matter how cute your mom says you look in a poncho, most prospective employers will not agree. (b) While wearing a sophisticated wrist watch is classy, somehow wearing eight sophisticated wrist watches just comes off as crazy. (c) Always wear shoes…socks are great, but they’re just not enough. (d) Studies indicate that blue is the best interview color, but those same studies failed to inform me that blue hair dye is frowned upon. (e) A suit of armor conveys strength but often rouses the suspicion of security. (f) Apparently a kimono is a kino-no…save it for casual Friday. (g) And I can’t stress this last one enough – while the process may take longer than expected, edible undies are not an acceptable mid-interview snack.

(2)   Do other things to help you get a job. For example, create the perfect resume. Again, learn from my mistakes. An increased font size is not a substitute for experience, that 64 Times New Roman stands out in a bad way. And, while saving paper is important, never print your resume on the back of your latest restraining order.

(3)   Utilize online resources. Long gone are the days of hoofing it from business to business. Now you can simply type your job specifics into your local, friendly job search engine and let them do all the work for you.

I, for example, have begun to accept that I may never land my ideal job. So I went on to monster.com to see how many less desirable positions might be available…

Frankly, I’m shocked. That’s a nationwide search of lousy and tedious jobs. I have an inkling these results might be on the low side.

Next, I decided to search for the type of jobs I’d excel at. I considered my plethora of life experiences and searched for an employment opportunity that would best match my skill set…

I guess there’s hope after all. And, while I pride myself on keeping this blog PG-13, the thirteen year-old in me couldn’t resist…

What? I’m considering becoming a glassblower. At this point, I’m willing to consider almost anything. And big bonus if I can wear my poncho.

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Vs. Gum

Posted: November 14, 2011 in Food
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  In various forms, gum has been around for thousands of years.  It wasn’t until 1848, however, that the first commercial gum brand was created and gum became a marketable product.  Some thirty years later, a man named John Colgan invented a way to make gum taste better for longer periods of time.  Apparently, he never shared his invention with the world.

In my experience, gum tastes good for forty-seven seconds.  After that, you’re just chewing a wad of tasteless rubber.  Yep.  Originally, gum came from natural sources, but now what the companies call “gum base” is synthetic rubber.  You might as well sprinkle some sugar on an old tire and gnaw away. 

A pile of colorful candy jawbreakers. These we...

I won't be fooled again.

And gumballs are so darn tricky.  With their deceptive, festive coloring, I’m constantly fooled into thinking they’ll be delicious.  But they’re not.  Gumballs were invented in the early 1900’s by a German grocer.  Interesting fact – most of the gumballs you find in machines today still come from that first batch.  Gumballs, all of the allure of a Willy Wonka wonderland with the chewability of a marble.

And what’s the point?  Is it all about the bubbles?  Let me tell you something, on a scale of “Not at all fun” to “Ridiculously enjoyable”, blowing a bubble falls squarely on “Looks as though it might be a tremendous diversion until one actually tries it and realizes that the novelty wears off about a third of a way through the first bubble.”  It’s just exhaling through a thin layer of rubber.  If this is your thing, why not get a balloon?  Then, at least you can play with it afterwards….as opposed to scraping it off your face when it pops.

But all of this is not the real problem with gum.  If you enjoy gum, I understand, who can resist the allure?  There’s no better way to practice your chewing.  The real problem lies in gum’s disposal.  I don’t know why 89% of our population has decided that the appropriate form of gum disposal is to stick it to the bottom of the nearest flat surface.  But, as a result, every school desk in America is a disgusting mastication museum.  These salivary stalactites are a revolting reminder of the person who used the desk before us…and what they had in their mouth at the time.

Bazooka Joe 1995 Topps Sticker Cards

That crazy Bazooka Joe, what hijinks has he gotten himself into this time?

Or, even worse, there are the 7% who simply spit their gum out on the ground (the remaining 4% actually throw their gum in the trash – how novel).  We’ve all, at some point in our lives, stepped in gum.  And it is not pleasant.  At first, one thinks, “Why the sudden increase in gravity under my left shoe?”  Then, the horrible realization sets in…this is not a blatant defiance of one of Newton’s laws, this is somebody’s spat out candy stuck to my sole.  Thank you.  Thank you, random spitter, for the opportunity to grab a twig and dig out the gooey contents of your mouth from the tread in my sneaker.  Yes, you’re truly making the world a better place.

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I rid our planet of gum?  Look, I have the utmost respect for Bazooka Joe and his impeccable comic timing…I just wish he’d take those classic one-liners and peddle a less destructive product.  Come on, how many times, throughout history, have guilty school kids spat their half-chewed gum into the waiting hands of disappointed teachers?  (And, by the way, how is it that elementary school teachers have such a comfort level handling other people’s used gum?  That’s weird, right?)  Where was I?  Oh, yeah, getting rid of the gum.  It’s quite an undertaking…I can’t rush into this project…let me get back to you guys….I need to chew this over for awhile…

Here’s the deal.  No one knows when the generic warning – Do Not Attempt – was first used.  Perhaps our braver Neanderthal ancestors would run, haphazardly, towards a wooly mammoth with only a sharpened rock…while his buddy would hold everybody else back, muttering, “Do not attempt.”  Or, more likely, it’s a relatively new phrase.  Either way, I see it consistently used in the most ridiculous places.

The Woolly Mammoth at the Royal BC Museum, Vic...

This time...really, do not attempt

A recent All-State commercial got me thinking about this specifically.  You know the series of insurance commercials where Dean Winters plays Mayhem (speaking of mayhem, did you know that this guy had a bacterial infection in 2009 and died in the ambulance to the hospital…his heart stopped beating for over two minutes before he was revived…I guess that’s type casting)?  I think these commercials are relatively clever.  It’s just the disclaimer that bothers me.

In the commercial I’m thinking of, Mayhem is playing the role of blind spot.  So, Mr. Winters is clinging to the outside of a mini-van that is barreling down the freeway – he tells the driver to make a lane change, and the mini-van is struck by another car.  And, at the bottom of the screen, are those three friendly words, Do Not Attempt.

Who is this for?

Who?

Is there anyone, anywhere watching this commercial and calling out to their better half, “Hey, honey, this commercial seems to be advocating riding on the exterior of the car.  And, also, the product seems to suggest that we ought to barrel into other vehicles while loosely clinging to the outside of our automobile.”

And if, by some bizarre stretch of the imagination, that person does exist, do they then say, “Oh, wait, honey, never mind, the commercial goes on to say that we should not attempt this.  Good thing they told me, I was plum confused.”

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Image by roberthuffstutter via Flickr

(I’m guessing that anyone that sees this commercial and is inspired to reenact it may not be blessed with the ability to read.  Just a hypothesis.) 

Don’t worry, All-State, nobody was going to attempt this.  Most of us already know that you used movie magic to create this illusion and that no one even attempted this in the first place.  Until you put up your little disclaimer, it had never even crossed our minds to attempt this.  If anything we are slightly more likely to consider this option because you even thought to bring it up. 

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I convince lawyers everywhere that we really don’t need to warn against the obvious?  Give me a second here, I need to touch base with my lawyer and see what my best approach would be…just talk amongst yourselves…

Okay, I’m back.  After speaking with counsel, I’ve realized I have a little housekeeping of my own to do before I can tackle this assignment.  I just need to let all of my readers know that this blog is for external use only.  And, while not necessary, it couldn’t hurt to wear safety goggles while reading.  All posts should be kept away from open flames (then again, what shouldn’t be?)  This blog is not dishwasher safe.  Jokes may not be valid in all states.  Do not read this blog while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Avoid prolonged exposure to my writing.  And, I apologize for this one, blog may cause drowsiness.

All sales are final.

Here’s the deal.  I am besieged by “more.”  Everywhere I turn I see companies offering me more this, more that and, most importantly, more of the other.  We are force fed extras, made to want the newest, and overwhelmed with bigger and better.  And I, for one, am more tired of it than ever before.

I think the problem can best be summarized by the Batman movies of the nineties.  In 1989, Batman hit theaters and was a huge hit.  In this movie, the title character battled his nemesis – the Joker.  With visions of bat-dollars dancing in their heads, studio execs were quick to green light the sequel, and, three years later, Batman Returns arrived.  This time, the caped crusader had his hands full, fighting both the Penguin and Catwoman.  1995 saw the release of Batman Forever.  Now Batman was joined by the relatively useless Robin and together they faced Two Face and the Riddler.  Two years later we got Batman & Robin.  Clooney (radiating embarrassment) starred as Bruce Wayne and was joined by both Robin and Batgirl as they struggled to defeat Mr. Freeze, Bane and Poison Ivy.

Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin played by Arnold ...

Look, ma, I'm "acting."

It’s what I like to call the Batman Principle.  With each sequel, they felt the need to add more main characters.  More villains.  More protagonists.  More.  And, not surprisingly, each movie got progressively worse.  Culminating in a movie in which, for reasons I’ll never fully comprehend, the writers felt the need to give master thespian Arnold Schwarzenegger a terrible “ice” pun in every single line of dialogue.  (“Ice to see you!”  “Let’s kick some ice!” and the very strange and scientifically erroneous, “In this universe, there’s only one absolute – everything freezes!”)

And the Batman Principle is not just for movies.    Not happy with one patty on your burger?  Here’s two, three, do I hear four?  If your current laptop has certain features, you can bet the sequel will have twice as many.  Everything is louder, brighter, beyond and  extreme. 

I know this will sound crazy…but sometimes more is too much.  When purchasing my last cell phone plan, I referred the salesman to my phone usage history and demonstrated that I consistently used only a certain number of minutes per month.  Still, he tried to sell me a plan with MORE minutes for only a few extra dollars.  Who cares if you are only physically capable of drinking 36 ounces of a beverage – we’ll sell you a 48 ounce beverage for a ten cent discount!  That’s right, we’re so intent on giving you more that we’re willing to give it you for less.           

Well, I don’t need more anymore.  If some business, any business, were willing to offer me just the amount I needed instead of more…they’d have a customer for life.  I don’t want to be upsold, boosted, amped or blown out of proportion ever again.

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I reduce the more?  I don’t know, but something must be done.  If we don’t act now, there’ll be no stopping it.  Soon teachers will be instructing our children that 2+2=5, hurray, it’s MORE!  I suppose it’s time to start emphasizing the power of minimalism.  Personally, I’m going to start by changing up all of the phrases that include this dreaded word.  From now on, I’ll point out the value of biting off less than you can chew.  And, let’s be honest, there is, primarily, only one way to skin a cat.  I know that I, for one, am less than meets the eye.  And who’s to say it can’t be the fewer the merrier?  And sometimes it’s okay to have smaller fish to fry.  That’s it.  I think that will do it.  Need I say less?