Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

Here’s the deal. Like a bear with a snooze button addiction, I’ve been on an eight-month blog hibernation. But nothing will wake you up in a cold sweat quite like the most alarming political candidate of a lifetime. But Donald Trump transcends politics. People can argue over political ideas. Fine. But this isn’t about that. Because he doesn’t have any political ideas. He has almost no ideas at all.

Look, all public figures misspeak and have gaffes. Over the course of years in the spotlight, mistakes will be made. But Trump is a whole different category. In researching this post I came across an article in Vanity Fair called, “Seven Terrifying Things Donald Trump Has Said in the Last 36 Hours.” Pretty incredible. This man says more ignorant, hateful, braggadocious things before breakfast than most people will say in a lifetime.

And what is Trump’s central qualification for this surreal presidential bid? His business success. He never tires of talking about how he makes great deals, how he’s the biggest, HUGEST, best businessman in the whole universe. But he doesn’t often talk about the forty million dollar inheritance that got him started. I don’t know about you, but I have a suspicion I might look a little more successful myself if I had a forty million dollar head start on life. His father gave him more money than most people see in a lifetime and made him president of his real estate company…being born ridiculously rich – that was by far the best deal Trump ever made. In fact, there was an article written about how Trump would be as or more rich today had he merely invested his inheritance…so he is exactly as successful as he would be had he not done a single thing.

Donald-Trump

But I’m not here to try and make a joke out of Trump – he’s doing a much better job of that himself than I could ever hope to do. I’m just here to assemble some of his verbal low points. And to reinforce the fact that, this November, Americans will have a very important, tough decision: whether to vote for Hillary Clinton, or to vote against Donald Trump.

  1. “I will be so good at the military, your head will spin.”

The great thing about Donald Trump is that he’s great at everything. EVERYTHING. And anything he’s not great at he will soon be the absolute best at. When asked a number of foreign affairs questions that he could not begin to answer, he simply reassured us all that, at some point in the future, he will know everything about everything. (If he has the power to immediately be the best at anything, I just don’t understand what he’s waiting for)

  1. “How do you define leadership? I mean, leadership is a very strange word because, you know, some people have it, some people don’t and nobody knows why.”

Exactly…except for the fact that volumes of books have been written about what makes a good leader. People will disagree, but a lot of thought has been given to this subject. It is, therefore, perhaps a little alarming that the man who is vying to be one of the most powerful leaders in the world has no real idea of what might make a good leader. Then again, I’m sure he’s confounded by strange words he can’t figure out on a daily basis.

  1. “I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.”

Is he bragging about his humility? Donald Trump is the opposite of the Terminator. Instead of a machine that has become self aware, he is a human who is entirely unaware.

  1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s, like, incredible.”

A wildly rare moment of clarity for Trump. Even he can’t believe what he’s getting away with.

  1. “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”

Yes, a sure sign of intelligence is the constant insulting and belittling of everyone you come into contact with. Mocking the handicapped, judging every female only by appearance, insulting any and everyone who crosses him in even the slightest way – it all reeks of exceptional intellect. As we all know, Einstein was famous for wandering the streets and yelling about how stupid everyone else was.

  1. “Two Corinthians 3:17, that’s the whole ballgame.”

As you’ll likely remember, this is Trump speaking to the Christian Liberty University and claiming to be a HUGE God type guy. He later explained this unusual reading of the bible verse, “It’s a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I’ve had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two.”

I agree with the beginning of his statement – it actually was a small deal. But the real problem here is that it perfectly demonstrates Trump’s complete inability to admit any mistake. Trump smacks us in the face daily with his glaring, obvious mistakes…and he defends each and every one of them like a toddler covered in cookie crumbs insisting he doesn’t even know what an Oreo is. It would be so easy to say that he misspoke, but instead he insists he was treating the audience to a Scottish interpretation of the scripture. And who are the “many, many people” who confirm each of his delusions? Oh, Donnie, you’re endless attempts to recover from your gaffes only makes you all the more ridiculous.

  1. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

Trump is the first candidate since…ever…to twice refer to the size of his penis in presidential debates. (And did he just say that the size of his genitals are “well documented”? Does he have reams of reports on his girth stashed under one of his solid gold couches? Has he hired a journalist that dedicates all of his time to measuring Trump and typing up graphs? What the hell is going on here?) I have never known any human being so insecure (finally, something he actually is the best at). He can’t let any small criticism go, he has to fight to prove that every part of his personality and body is HUGE.

longfingers5555

  1. “I know words. I have the best words.”

I’m sure you do. If only you could just once remember to use them.

  1. “Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”

This is a man who thinks that after claiming that the vast majority of all Mexican immigrants are criminals and worse, thinks that a picture of himself with a taco bowl will make everything all right. Reminds me of the time Roosevelt said, “Sorry about those Japanese internment camps. I’m eating sushi! I love Asians!”

  1. “She does have a very nice figure. I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Not only is this one of the most disturbing things one can imagine a man saying about his daughter, it wasn’t even misunderstood or taken out of context. Trump states, “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter…” so the fact that he has thought about dating his own daughter is something that he talks about often. Dear Trump supporters, a few questions – How? What? Why? Holy shit, wwwhhhhyyyyy?

  1. “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

This was Trump’s response to the question of who he’s consulting on foreign affairs. Wow. It’s a humdinger. You’re absolutely right, Mr. Trump. You have said a lot of things.

Here’s the deal. Unless you’ve been living under Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, for the past ten years, you’ve probably heard the kids saying some crazy things. I suppose the younger generation have always had their hip, new catchphrases, but what with the internet and such, it seems harder than ever to keep up. What the heck is YOLO? (It’s shorthand for pizza restaurant orders and stands for, You only like olives – now you know). What are the teens trying to say when they mutter, “My bae got turnt up.” (No idea. No freaking idea.) Well, your days of staring in dumbfound confusion are at an end, I’m here to help. Take a gander at some of the most current slang with detailed explanations behind their meaning –

11. Hot Mess. Most messes are cold – like dirty laundry or a bunch of leaves that need to be raked. But if you make yourself a bowl of oatmeal and then drop it on the floor, you’ve got yourself a hot mess. And the main difference between a hot mess and a cold mess is that a hot mess needs to be cleaned up immediately (you don’t want anyone to burn themselves). Therefore, if someone is a “hot mess” it means they’re working really quickly. They’re industrious. Feel free to use it as the compliment it is, “I’m really impressed by the new intern, she’s a hot mess.”

10. Whale Tail. This one is pretty self explanatory. A whale tail is just a clever way of referencing any story (tale) about whales. The most famous whale tail, of course, is Moby Dick. But, sadly, most of the kids don’t even know about this literary masterpiece. The kids are probably watching Free Willy instead. I, for one, think we need to refocus out attention on education – specifically, the classics. So, if you’re like me, you’ll proudly declare at your next PTA meeting, “For the sake of the children, we need more whale tails in this school.”

9. Selfie Stick.  This is a stick that you use to hit people who are taking too many selfies.

8. Fleek. You certainly can’t be the cat’s pajamas without being able to toss this one around. A fleek is a nerdy homosexual. It comes from combining the words flamboyant and geek.  As in, “Look at that fleek, he’s rockin’ that pocket protector!” And I’m all for it. I say embrace your true self – if you’re a guy that likes guys, a guy that likes knowledge, or both.

7. Cray Cray. This one has an interesting history. It’s actually surprisingly specific and means, “Hey, look at all the fish.” The “cray” in question is, of course, crayfish, also known as crawfish, crawdads, or mudbugs, and are freshwater crustaceans resembling small lobsters, but are actually taxonomic members of the families Astacoidea and Parastacoidea. People used to shout, “Crawdaddy! Crawdaddy!” when they were excited about seeing a bunch of fish. This was eventually shortened to, “Cray Cray.” Although I’m not entirely sure why everyone is so worked up over a few fish.

6. MILF. MILF is actually an acronym used to describe attractive mothers. It stands for – Mom is looking fabulous. Now that you know, feel free to use it to compliment the neighborhood kids, “Hey, Timmy, your mom is working hard but she’s still having a MILF kind of day if you ask me.”

5. Twerk. This is simply a combining of the words twice and work. If someone is twerking, they’re working twice as hard. Good to know. Now, if your teenage daughter tells you she’s off to do some twerking, you should definitely congratulate and encourage her, sounds like she’s working overtime, and earning the respect of her colleagues.

4. Off the Hook. If someone is off the hook, it means that they’re reading less. Plenty of kids got addicted to Harry Potter, but it’s not the only popular book with the young ones. For awhile, reading Peter Pan was all the rage, and when kids moved on to something else, they would say, “I’m finally off the Hook.”

3. Queef. This is simply a shortened version of the word bequeath. As I often say to my children, “Some day I will queef all of this to you.”

2. #. If you’re like me, you see this darned thing all over the internet and can’t figure out what the heck is going on. As is often the case, it’s not that complicated when you do a little research. This is, of course, the pound sign, and it seems that those crazy kids have started using to replace the word pound. For example, “Mrs. Frink, that was a delicious casserole. I can’t wait to try that scrumptious looking #cake.”

1. Friends with Benefits. If any of the slang on this list were a reason to celebrate, this is the one. There’s really nothing better than having a friend with benefits. One of my good friends recently entered this category with me. After a long search for work, he finally landed his dream job complete with health insurance, vacation time, and a retirement plan. I was proud to declare to all my friends and family, “Frank and I are now friends with benefits!”

Here’s the deal. There are roughly fifty states in America. And each state has at least four cities. But that’s no excuse for lazy city naming. For example, twenty-eight states have a city named after the state (New York, NY, Kansas City, KS, et.) – is there any way to put less effort into naming your city? Why not just call it City City? Pitiful. Then there’s Alabama, NY, Montana, WI, Alaska, NM, New Mexico, MD, Texas, NY, and New York, TX. Seriously? There are so many words out there, why do we keep using the same ones over and over? Thirty-five states have a Greenville. Look, if I was that 35th state, I think I might have raised my hand and suggested a name that wasn’t already a city in every other state – at least change the color. Magentaville has a ring to it.

Fortunately, some cities have stepped up to the plate and come up with truly interesting and unique names. Lest I be accused of xenophobia, first let me acknowledge the three international honorable mentions.

Top Three International Best City Names

3. Humpty Doo, Australia

2. Moose Factory, Canada

1. Middlefart, Denmark

And now, the moment virtually none of you have been waiting for…

Top Ten Best U.S. City Names

11. Humptulips, WA – States need not feel the pressure to have their city names make any kind of sense, just put some sounds together and see what happens.

10. Ninety Six, SC – And when you can’t come up with an original word, try using a number. This city name is even more interesting as no one seems to have any idea where it came from…they got 96 problems but an unoriginal town name ain’t one.

9. Disco, IL – You have to have big disco balls to name your city after a seventies dance craze. My fingers are crossed for The Hustle, Oklahoma.

8. Toad Suck, AR – What happens in Toad Suck…no, really, it’s a question – what does happen in Toad Suck?

7. Nothing, AZ – Actual sign outside of the city: “Town of Nothing Arizona. Founded 1977. Elevation 3,269 feet. The staunch citizens of Nothing are full of Hope, Faith, and Believe in the work ethic. Through the years these dedicated people had faith in Nothing, hoped for Nothing, worked at Nothing, for Nothing.” Unfortunately, the town was recently abandoned and there’s now nothing there.

6. Pee Pee, OH – I try to be mature. I try to be an adult. But, come on, a place called Pee Pee? That’s almost as good as Middlefart. So, if you go to Ohio, you can actually visit an area where over seven thousand people live in Pee Pee.

5. Nimrod, AR – Do we call them Nimrodians? Nimrodites? Or just plain Nimrods?

4. (tie) Why, AZ and Whynot, MS – The question so many people have asked when moving to the Southwest…”Why Arizona?” And the answer to why people choose to live in Mississippi – why not?

3. Zzyzx, CA – Probably the most fun to say on the list. And points for not worrying about being at the bottom of an alphabetical grouping.

2. Unalaska, AK – This is the exact opposite of NY, NY. It’s Unalaska, Alaska. How is it possible? It’s simultaneously Alaska and not Alaska. I like it. 

1. Monkey’s Eyebrow, KY – Strangely specific and entirely nonsensical. We have a winner.

Here’s the deal. I don’t like ice. Not a fan. I’ll tell you why…

(11) Ice expands. In my book, this makes ice a self-important jerk. “Look at me,” ice demands as it puffs out its chest. Really, ice? Breaking up rocks, destroying plumbing, warping Tupperware everywhere…all to announce your presence. We get it. You’re a big shot.

(10) Ice lends its name to the coldest, and thus worst, type of skating.

(9) Ice takes up all of the space in my drinks. If you order a soda with ice, you’re actually ordering a glass of ice with a small side of beverage. I don’t need my liquids to be that cold. Stay out of my drinks, ice.

(8) Ice hurts. As a young lad, I accompanied my mother to the small, local grocery store one hot summer afternoon. As she purchased necessities, I wandered off to a section that had delicious pints of ice cream…and that’s when I saw it…somehow, a bit of ice cream had leaked out on to the metal shelving that held this cool, cool treat. As any reasonable child would do, I opened the door and tried to lick that  ice cream…and I suppose you know what happened next. (For the record, I am not confusing a classic scene from A Christmas Story with my life – this actually happened to me). Yes, my tongue stuck to the frigid metal. And yanking myself free was painful. And ice is a jerk.

(7) Ice is way too slippery. We’re trying to walk here, ice. What did we ever do to you?

a single vanilla ice cream sandwich

Sweet dairy cream sandwich.

(6) Ice is a meanie. Did you know that there is a disease called ice-ice. No. No you didn’t. Bu now you do. According to Wikipedia, “Ice-ice is a disease condition of seaweed. Ice-ice is caused when changes in salinity, ocean temperature and light intensity cause stress to seaweeds.” What are you doing picking on seaweed? Seaweed is just floating around, minding its own business and you’ve got to screw with it. Seaweed was living a pretty stress-free life. No bills, no job, no looming briny deadlines. Until ice-ice. The disease so not nice-nice, they named it twice-twice.

(5) Ice is the least interesting state of matter of water.

(4) Ice tries to disparage ice cream. How dare you, ice? Now you’ve gone too far. Look at the ingredients list of your favorite ice cream. There’s no ice in it. Stop messing with our minds, ice. Ice cream is delicious and ice-free. The only time ice cream wasn’t delicious was when I tried to lick it off of a frozen, metal shelf…and that was your fault too. It’s sweet dairy cream, not ice cream. What’s next? Ice cookies? Ice puppies? Ice rainbows? Just stop it, ice. Keep your name off our good stuff.

(3) Ice makes diamonds seem less valuable.

(2) Ice is a no-no. Who loves ice more than hockey players? (Don’t answer that. The last thing I need right now is some nut sending me an in-depth list of people who love ice more than hockey players. I’ve got looming briny deadlines over here). Yet even the hockey lovers know the truth. Because what is icing? It’s an infraction in hockey. Icing is when you put the puck in the non puck zone and the skating player guy hits it too hard and then they have to go to the penalty box and someone throws an octopus on the ice and I think there’s a Zamboni…I don’t know how it works, but even the hockiers know that ice is bad.

(1) Ice tries to ruin everything. For example, vanilla is great. Vanilla Ice is not so great.

Here’s the deal. I know what it’s like to grow up with an unusual name, so creating this list gives me no pleasure. But somebody had to do it.

(11) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter grows up to own and operate a towing company, she could call it Apple’s Jacks.

(10) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter marries a family member of the renowned fashion designer and Project Runway judge, she’d be Apple Kors.

Gwyneth Paltrow at the 2000 Toronto Internatio...

 

(9) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter develops an interest in bell-ringing, we could all enjoy the sounds of Apple’s peals.

(8) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter grows up to be an optometrist, she could very well be the Apple of my eye.

(7) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter ever turns to a life of crime, she’ll be one bad Apple.

(6) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter becomes a bodybuilder, we’d all go to her contests to see the big Apple.

(5) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter grows up, gets married, and is constantly hogging the bed, her husband may have to say, “Apple, turn over.”

(4) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter has a tree house, I bet her parents would put mattresses around the base of the trunk, because, should she stumble, the Apple never falls far from the tree.

(3) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter decided to ride a jet ski and fell off, her friends might have to go bobbing for Apple.

(2) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter takes an IQ test and scores 140, she’ll be an Apple genius.

(1) If Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter and I become friends and I have the opportunity to introduce her to my dad’s mom, Wilma Smith, I will say, “Granny Smith, Apple.”

Here’s the deal. Late last night Transporter 3 appeared on my television. I’ve never seen any of the Transporter films, but I started to think to myself, “If he has so many things to transport, perhaps he should utilize a service…you know, Transporter 4: UPS.”

Which got me to thinking about other strange sequels…which got me to typing the following words…which got me to updating my blog with them…okay, you’re all caught up.

My Top Ten Random Thoughts About Movie Sequels

11. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Um…the “final chapter?” This movie was the third of eleven sequels…then again, Friday the 13th: The Eighth to Last Chapter doesn’t have quite the right ring to it.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

10. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – Just one question, who among us thought that money did sleep? I don’t understand why they chose to include this useless information about what inanimate objects can’t do, and I wonder what other titles they considered…Wall
Street: Walls Never Jog
or Wall Street: Streets Never Sip Iced Tea Casually as they Ponder the Meaning of Life.

9. Universal Soldier III: Unfinished BusinessI like this title. At least they’re being honest about their sequel, they’ve got unfinished business…they forgot to make the first two movies good…

8. When a Stranger Calls BackThe title of the original horror movie, When a Stranger Calls, is actually somewhat creepy. But if a stranger is calling you back…doesn’t that mean he or she is just returning your call? Which makes me wonder why you’re leaving messages for strangers in the first place. And it’s tremendously less frightening…

“Who…who is this?”

“It’s me…the stranger.”

“No! Not again! Why are you doing this to me?!?”

“What do you mean? I’m just calling you back.”

7. Free Willy 3: The Rescue In my attempt to be the most environmentally-friendly blog, I’ve decided to start recycling my jokes. Please refer to this post for my take on this sequel title.

6. Bloodfist VIII: Trained to KillI don’t know anything about the Bloodfist franchise, but if I had gone through seven movies with this rare disorder where my fists are constantly bleeding, I’d be less concerned with my training and more anxious to get to a specialist.

5. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and I’ll Always Know What You Did Last SummerYes, the best way to introduce a new film is by referencing the old film and letting the audience know that nothing has changed. There’s really no reason to watch these sequels. I mean you already know what they did last summer. He still knows. Nothing’s new. And, in 2013, look for – Regarding That Which You Did Last Summer…My Knowledge of It and All Pertaining Events Remains Consistent.

4. Breakin’ 2: Electric BoogalooMy favorite type of boogaloo.

3. Honey, I Blew Up the KidI know this is a family comedy, but it sounds like a horror movie. “Um, honey, you know that experiment where I attached explosives to our offspring…” And this was followed by the direct to video, Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. Really? You need to tell your wife that you’re both now half an inch tall? You don’t think she might have figured that out on her own as she tried to navigate her way around a grain of sand?

2. Final Destination 5In general, I think filmmakers should avoid putting the word “final” in their movie’s title if they plan on making a whole bunch of sequels. May I suggest Final Destination 6: The Last, Concluding Finish to the End of all Destinations.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars

1. The Brave Little Toaster Goes to MarsI don’t know anything about this movie, or the book so here is the actual (abbreviated) plot summary from Wikipedia…

“Rob and Chris have a baby boy named Robbie. Later, the Hearing Aid gets out of the drawer and baby Robbie gets out of his crib and follows Hearing Aid. The appliances chase after Hearing Aid, but then Robbie disappears in a bubble through space. After that, they all find out that he was sent to Mars.

They get the microwave, cheddar cheese popcorn, laundry basket and ceiling fan to help them fly and they set off in space to go to Mars and find Robbie. The appliances crash on Mars and find the baby. They meet a Christmas angel named Tinselina who was sent to mars with Viking 1. The appliances follow a group of military toasters to their leader, Supreme Commander, who is a huge refrigerator. They then learn that they are going to blow Earth up because their old owners threw them out, and Toaster tries to talk them out of it. In between the fight, Robbie is able to push a hand out of his bubble. His hand touches Supreme Commander, and the refrigerator suddenly begins to turn pink.

 The appliances go into the freezer of Supreme Commander and find the brother of Hearing Aid. They have not seen each in sixty years. When asked by Toaster why Surpreme Commander changed his mind about blowing up Earth, he says that the touch of the small boy’s hand reminded him that not all humans are bad. Tinselina gives up her clothes so they can have something organic to get back to earth.

The appliances return to Earth just in time as the baby monitor that Ratso, their pet rat, had been restraining all night, finally wakes Rob and Christine up. One day when they are taping Robbie, Rob finds Tinselina in a garbage can and fixes her up. It is a happy ending when Robbie’s first word is “Toaster!”

Which obviously begs the question…what the f#@*?

I have got to see this movie. It is either the messiest pile of cinematic nonsense ever created or the greatest film in history. A hearing aid sends a baby to Mars? Cheddar cheese popcorn allows appliances to partake in interstellar travel? NASA has been secretly exporting our angels to the red planet? Military toasters? A refrigerator that changes colors when you touch it? Hearing aids stored for decades in freezers? A Christmas angel strip tease? And, after all of this bizarre creativity, they name their pet rat Ratso? This is the craziest plot summary I’ve read in my life.

I’m moving it to the top of my Netflix queue. And I’ll watch it as soon as I return Bloodfist IX: Electric Boogaloo Never Sleeps.

Here’s the deal. I was recently wading through the piles of papers on my desk (mostly unpaid bills and Xeroxed Ziggy comics…I like to copy them and then go to town with my box of crayons. Believe it or not, he’s even funnier in color!) and I came across a collection of random top ten lists I’d written. They were just taking up space so, clearly, I had to move these fast. Thus, I’m thrilled to offer them to you at the incredible, low price of 50% off.

Please feel free to window shop, take a couple of them for a test drive if you think they’re a good fit with your lifestyle. And just tell me what I can do to put you in one of my top ten lists today…

The

 

 

Top Ten Rejected Three’s Company Story Lines

5. A visit to the museum results in hijinks, and Jack accidentally sets fire to the Neanderthal display…a series of hilarious “flaming Homo” jokes follow.

4. Chrissy wins the Nobel Prize.

3. Jack wakes up in bed with Bob Newhart and realizes everything was just a dream.

2. Trapped in a freak Santa Monica blizzard, Chrissy, Janet and Jack murder and cannibalize the Roepers.

1. Jack realizes his life would be a lot easier if he got his own place.

Top Ten Ineffectual Assassination Techniques

5. Thumb wrestling.

4. Strategically placed banana peel.

3. Death by chocolate.

2. Release the killer puppies.

1. Let nature take its course.

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad High School Guidance Counselor

5. Recommends you attend Hogwarts University.

The cast of Saved by the Bell, clockwise from ...

I can’t wait for the movie…

4. Every time you step into her office, she says, “What are you here for? Guidance or counseling? Cuz you sure as hell ain’t gettin’ both.”

3. When you graduate, he wraps himself around your ankles and cries out, “Please take me with you!”

2. Argues that jobs are overrated and suggests you first establish hobbies.

1. She’s only there to do research for her Saved By the Bell screenplay.

 

Pinocchio’s Top Ten Problems

5. Constant anxiety of being both flammable inflammable.

4. Can’t get any sleep at night due to Jiminy’s incessant chirping.

3. Every time he lies, his nose grows. I mean, you’re familiar with Pinocchio, right? This is really his central issue. And it’s a fairly serious problem. Can you imagine? It’s terribly embarrassing for him. And it absolutely wrecked his dreams of being a professional poker player. Everything else sort of pales in comparison. This is mostly what he’s known for.

2. He’s applied to ever single season of MTV’s Real World, but they won’t cast him as he is not a real boy.

1. Termites.

Artistic representation of the Devil.

I hope you two are very happy together.

Top Ten Signs You’re Carrying Satan’s Child

5. Your stretch marks form a pentagram.

4. Constantly craving deviled eggs.

3. Every time you get morning sickness, your head spins 360 degrees.

2. The sonogram shows the fetus holding a cute, tiny pitchfork.

1. You’re in a committed relationship with the Prince of Darkness, the two of you decide to try and conceive, and the pregnancy test comes back positive. Congratulations!