Archive for December, 2017

Here’s the deal. I just remembered I have a blog. I’ve had this blog since 2011. And if I don’t post something in the next few minutes, I will have gone all of 2017 without posting. That just seems wrong.

Fortunately, as it turns out, there is something that’s been bothering me for quite awhile.

Image result for rumpelstiltskin

If you don’t know the story of Rumplestiltskin, here’s the basics – A miller wants to impress the king, so he tells him that his daughter can spin straw into gold. Intrigued, the king calls for this girl and puts her in a room with a whole bunch of straw and a spinning wheel and tells her that he’ll kill her if she hasn’t turned all of the hay into straw by the morning. She has no such skill and thinks she’ll die, but this strange little dude appears and offers to spin the straw into gold for her in exchange for her necklace. The dude turns the straw into gold. And the next day the king puts her in another room. This continues until she has nothing left to trade to the magic little dude. So he says he’ll turn the straw into gold in exchange for her firstborn. She has no choice and agrees. The king now marries the girl, they have a kid and the dude comes back to take the kid. She begs him to reconsider and he says that only if she can guess his name within three days can she keep her child. For two nights she guesses every name she can think of to no avail, distraught, she wanders into the woods and sees the little dude at his house dancing and singing that she’ll never guess that his name is Rumplestiltskin. He shows up the third night to nab the kid, she correctly guesses his name, and he flies out the window on a ladle, furious at this turn of events.

Everyone caught up? Good.

So my first question is…what the hell?!?

Let’s start at the beginning. If you want to impress someone, why would you claim your daughter can turn straw into gold? No one in the world would believe that.

“Oh, your little girl made the honor roll? Big deal. My Claire can turn straw into gold. I don’t have to work, I just send her out to the barn and we’re rich! Yeah, you heard me right. Wait, where is everyone going?”

And, if you did live in a world where that kind of thing is believable, then you especially shouldn’t go around claiming such wonders. That’s the number one way to get your daughter kidnapped by some stupid rich dude (I’m pretty sure it’s how Trump married Melania).

Image result for melania trump gold

Now, from the king’s perspective, if you think this girl has this awesome magical power – is your best approach to threaten to murder her? Who knows what other powers she has? Maybe she can turn kings into oats. You don’t know. I’m just saying you catch more flies with honey than death threats.

And what about the part where the girl marries the king? It’s hard to think of ways to make some of these fairy tales any more sexist. What did that proposal sound like?

“Babe, sorry about taking you away from your lunatic father, and locking you up against your will, and forcing you to work through the night and taking all of your money, and for saying that I would kill you, but, you know, how about you and me get hitched?”

And, from Rumplestiltskin’s point of view…why are you trading a room full of gold for a necklace. You seem to have absolutely no sense of value.

“Aye, I’m a magical imp. And I’ll trade you this suitcase of one million dollars for that spoon of peanut butter…if you dare.”

If you can spin straw into gold, why are you staying up all night and bartering for trinkets? This guy is an idiot. And if his end game was all about getting this baby, why does he even give her a chance to guess his name? You’ve already won, Rumpy, just take the kid and walk away. And, on top of all that, the only thing he has to do so that she doesn’t guess his name is spend his free time at home yelling out his name in a catchy little ditty.

Amazingly, the part where he flies out of the room on a ladle makes the most sense of the whole terrible story.

That’s it. Sorry, but I’m in a rush to get this out the door in 2017. Plus, I’ve just convinced our President that my nephew can turn chewing gum into silver and I’m anxious to see how it plays out. Happy New Year.