Vs. WikiHow Part II

Posted: December 17, 2014 in Internet
Tags: , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. Those who have been reading my blog since the beginning will know that two weeks ago I wrote the classic post, “Vs. WikiHow Part I.” Since then, I’ve given a lot of thought about how to best follow this up…then it hit me – Part II. It’s perfect. Frankly, it probably shouldn’t have taken so long for me to come up with it.

WikiHow (or WikiWhy as I prefer to call it) has a tremendous collection of thought-provoking, useful articles. Just kidding. It’s got stuff like this –

(1) How to Get Rich Quick. This article honestly contains the following suggestions: play the lottery, gamble, and sell your plasma. “Gambling is one of the easiest ways to make large sums of money instantly,” says WikiHow and no one who’s ever been to Vegas ever.

blood(2) How to Fake Your Own Death. “Sometimes in life you may need to fake your own death.” WikiHow, you know me better than I know myself, there have been many times in my life when I’ve needed to fake my own death. I’m on my fourth identity already. Here are their actual steps: Decide whether or not you really want to do this, Stop using anything that will be traceable back to you, Watch out for little things that may give you away, Decide on a death method, and Do it. I just love how they make the most complex things so incredibly simple. Faking your own death – Just Do It.

death

No, she’s not deciding on what to order at Starbucks, this is a woman figuring out whether or not she should fake her own death. Hmmmm…it could be fun…

(3) How to Make Your Girlfriend Want to Have Sex with You. Some pictures really are worth a thousand words…

sex

(4) How to Convince Your Friends to Buy You a Llama for Your Birthday. Finally, a how-to article we can all relate to. Step 1, “Make your love for llamas obvious…mention llama fun facts at dinner.” This is great advice but, unfortunately, there are no llama fun facts. All facts about llamas are decidedly not fun. Other suggestions include “Discussing llamas over coffee,” and “Writing llama related articles for WikiHow.” Sounds to me like someone wants a llama for their birthday…

llama

The only thing she loves more than llamas is meth.

(5) How to Start Your Own Country. First things first…

country

I know I’m just a beginner here, but it looks like the language is going to be English. I love how dedicated this guy is to naming his new country, he even wrote down “Name” in case he forgets what he’s doing. And my favorite line so far from a WikiHow article, “You can think about it.”

Okay, you’ve picked out a nice name for your new country, what’s next? Well, you’ll need some land. WikiHow suggests that you “conquer an existing country. There are many small island nations dotting the Pacific, and it’s unlikely they have much of a defense force. Sure, it’s crazy—but crazy enough that it might just work! All you need is an army, a navy, and the support of the world community.” That’s right, all you need is an army, a navy, and the support of the world community…of course, if you already have those things, chances are you already have a country.

Nice. You’ve got a name, you’ve got some land. Now what? “Invite your friends. One of the key requirements for a nation—aside from territories—will be a population. If the land you conquer or build doesn’t come with an indigenous people, you will have to bring your own to the party.” Oh, WikiHow, is there anything you haven’t thought of? (Seriously, you’re telling people how to get others to buy them a llama…is there anything you haven’t thought of?)

Perfect. You’ve got a name. You’ve got land. You’ve got a population. Anything else? “These days, if you’re serious about anything (and creating a micronation can be serious, indeed), then you will have a website.” Right, you used your army and navy to conquer a small island nation – time to post about it!

Of course, WikiHow also notes that, “You are free to declare yourself a country, anytime, and anywhere. However, nobody will take you seriously, which translates to the simple truth that you will have no legitimacy as a nation.” Well…every plan has its downsides.

WikiHow is truly a treasure trove of useless information. I could go on and on, but I have to go get a llama, fake my own death, get rich quick, start my own country and (this is the tough one) make my girlfriend want to have sex with me.

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Comments
  1. Hey. So many fun facts about llamas. They are related to camels (they are both camelids) and to hippos and giraffe. SO FUN! And they can spit. What’s not awesomely fun about spit? I work in a zoo. Sorry. So many fun facts. They ARE fun. Be quiet.

  2. Outlier Babe says:

    Seriously, Makya, now I just LOVE Wiki-HowtheHeckHaveIBeenMissingThisTreasureTrove?

    I knew (as of five minutes ago) from Betsy the Editor’s comments that what sparks the pieces are search engine queries.

    What a fun idea, to answer the dumb ones!

    No WONDER the Wiki-HowFarCanWePullYourLeg folk enjoy their jobs, and do MeetUps together! Time for ME to join them! But I would want credit on the blurbs I write–wouldn’t you?

    If I’m going to tell someone how to take over a country, and they succeed, well…that is def. a marketable skill, and I wanna post it on my ChainedTo (my desk) page.

    P.S. Poor schlub re: that sex thing. Today, if you’re a guy having to beg for it, just paint a scarlet L on your forehead and be done with it. That’s what MY Wiki-BooHooForYou piece would say.

    (Told ya’ I was mean.)

    P.S. Merry Christmas (until Jan.6–or Happy-Whatever-Other-Holiday-You-May-Celebrate-At-Or-Near-This-Time-of-Year)!

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