Archive for June, 2014

Here’s the deal. I saw a movie some time ago and, following the films final images, the screen went black…and then read – “The End?” This is not good. And not unique to this particular movie (and, no, I can’t recall what movie it was). A number of cinematic features have employed this clever end title over the years, and I think we can tolerate it no more.

Often “The End” will appear first and then, after a beat, the coy question mark will appear. To which I say – make up your mind, gosh darn it! Is this or is this not the end of the movie? You made the movie. You should know when it’s over.

Look, I have no problem with a good, old fashioned “To Be Continued.” Whether used accurately, as in Back to the Future, or as a failed promise, as the end credits of The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension incorrectly guaranteeing his return in Buckaroo Banzai Against The World Crime League. The point is, if you want the audience to know that you’re planning a sequel, it’s okay to just let them know. Adding a question mark after “The End” doesn’t make you appear mysterious, it makes you seem like you don’t know what the hell is going on.

I could continue my rant. If I had more information. You see, I wanted to look over a list of all of the movies that had utilized this unacceptable end credit punctuation…but no such list exists. Which brings up an even bigger issue – apparently the internet does not know everything!!!

I know, I know, take a moment. Catch your breath. It’s a game changer. Granted, when I was growing up and I wanted to know something I had to either (a) ask an adult, (b) look in a book, or (c) sadly face the fact that I would never really know anything, but nowadays I fully expect for Google to be able to answer any ridiculous question that pops in my head. But when I asked everyone’s favorite search engine to give me a list of all movies that ended with “The End?” there was nothing to be found. Not a single article addressing this issue. Nary a blog post. Wikipedia was bare.

Sure, if you want to know any number of ridiculous other things, the internet is there for you. If, for example, you’re pining for a list of Strangely Specific Apology Cakes, you’re all set.

If you’re desperate for information regarding the Things You Can’t Bring to the Sochi Olympic Games (for example, no meteorological equipment was allowed), merely type the words.

And if you’re looking for a list of Good Places to Cuddle in Public, that’s easily found as well. Obviously I’m not arguing against the fact that “Under a tree,” and “The Zoo,” are exceptional places to cuddle in public. Everyone knows that. I’m just a little upset that these crazy lists are available and my crazy list is not.

The world has changed. I have changed. I am no longer capable of finding information on my own. I don’t know how to do it. And Google is to blame. Listen up, Google, if you’re going to create a world in which everything we ever need to know is available at our fingertips, in mere seconds, via your site…you better darn well make sure that everything we need to know is available at our fingertips, in mere seconds, via your site. And you’ve left me wanting. I need a list of every movie ever made that chose to put a question mark in the end credits. I can’t possibly go and watch every single movie ever made in an insane effort to compile this list myself. That’s what the internet was built for – for all of the crazy people with bizarrely specific obsessions to do the leg work for the rest of us.

So please, Google, use your autobots and drones to read this post and correct this error. (And, again, I apologize for getting upset and trying to sacrifice you to Satan. My bad).