Here’s the deal. I don’t like ice. Not a fan. I’ll tell you why…
(11) Ice expands. In my book, this makes ice a self-important jerk. “Look at me,” ice demands as it puffs out its chest. Really, ice? Breaking up rocks, destroying plumbing, warping Tupperware everywhere…all to announce your presence. We get it. You’re a big shot.
(10) Ice lends its name to the coldest, and thus worst, type of skating.
(9) Ice takes up all of the space in my drinks. If you order a soda with ice, you’re actually ordering a glass of ice with a small side of beverage. I don’t need my liquids to be that cold. Stay out of my drinks, ice.
(8) Ice hurts. As a young lad, I accompanied my mother to the small, local grocery store one hot summer afternoon. As she purchased necessities, I wandered off to a section that had delicious pints of ice cream…and that’s when I saw it…somehow, a bit of ice cream had leaked out on to the metal shelving that held this cool, cool treat. As any reasonable child would do, I opened the door and tried to lick that ice cream…and I suppose you know what happened next. (For the record, I am not confusing a classic scene from A Christmas Story with my life – this actually happened to me). Yes, my tongue stuck to the frigid metal. And yanking myself free was painful. And ice is a jerk.
(7) Ice is way too slippery. We’re trying to walk here, ice. What did we ever do to you?
(6) Ice is a meanie. Did you know that there is a disease called ice-ice. No. No you didn’t. Bu now you do. According to Wikipedia, “Ice-ice is a disease condition of seaweed. Ice-ice is caused when changes in salinity, ocean temperature and light intensity cause stress to seaweeds.” What are you doing picking on seaweed? Seaweed is just floating around, minding its own business and you’ve got to screw with it. Seaweed was living a pretty stress-free life. No bills, no job, no looming briny deadlines. Until ice-ice. The disease so not nice-nice, they named it twice-twice.
(5) Ice is the least interesting state of matter of water.
(4) Ice tries to disparage ice cream. How dare you, ice? Now you’ve gone too far. Look at the ingredients list of your favorite ice cream. There’s no ice in it. Stop messing with our minds, ice. Ice cream is delicious and ice-free. The only time ice cream wasn’t delicious was when I tried to lick it off of a frozen, metal shelf…and that was your fault too. It’s sweet dairy cream, not ice cream. What’s next? Ice cookies? Ice puppies? Ice rainbows? Just stop it, ice. Keep your name off our good stuff.
(3) Ice makes diamonds seem less valuable.
(2) Ice is a no-no. Who loves ice more than hockey players? (Don’t answer that. The last thing I need right now is some nut sending me an in-depth list of people who love ice more than hockey players. I’ve got looming briny deadlines over here). Yet even the hockey lovers know the truth. Because what is icing? It’s an infraction in hockey. Icing is when you put the puck in the non puck zone and the skating player guy hits it too hard and then they have to go to the penalty box and someone throws an octopus on the ice and I think there’s a Zamboni…I don’t know how it works, but even the hockiers know that ice is bad.
(1) Ice tries to ruin everything. For example, vanilla is great. Vanilla Ice is not so great.