My Top Ten Random Thoughts on Movie Sequels

Posted: August 31, 2012 in Lists
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Here’s the deal. Late last night Transporter 3 appeared on my television. I’ve never seen any of the Transporter films, but I started to think to myself, “If he has so many things to transport, perhaps he should utilize a service…you know, Transporter 4: UPS.”

Which got me to thinking about other strange sequels…which got me to typing the following words…which got me to updating my blog with them…okay, you’re all caught up.

My Top Ten Random Thoughts About Movie Sequels

11. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Um…the “final chapter?” This movie was the third of eleven sequels…then again, Friday the 13th: The Eighth to Last Chapter doesn’t have quite the right ring to it.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

10. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – Just one question, who among us thought that money did sleep? I don’t understand why they chose to include this useless information about what inanimate objects can’t do, and I wonder what other titles they considered…Wall
Street: Walls Never Jog
or Wall Street: Streets Never Sip Iced Tea Casually as they Ponder the Meaning of Life.

9. Universal Soldier III: Unfinished BusinessI like this title. At least they’re being honest about their sequel, they’ve got unfinished business…they forgot to make the first two movies good…

8. When a Stranger Calls BackThe title of the original horror movie, When a Stranger Calls, is actually somewhat creepy. But if a stranger is calling you back…doesn’t that mean he or she is just returning your call? Which makes me wonder why you’re leaving messages for strangers in the first place. And it’s tremendously less frightening…

“Who…who is this?”

“It’s me…the stranger.”

“No! Not again! Why are you doing this to me?!?”

“What do you mean? I’m just calling you back.”

7. Free Willy 3: The Rescue In my attempt to be the most environmentally-friendly blog, I’ve decided to start recycling my jokes. Please refer to this post for my take on this sequel title.

6. Bloodfist VIII: Trained to KillI don’t know anything about the Bloodfist franchise, but if I had gone through seven movies with this rare disorder where my fists are constantly bleeding, I’d be less concerned with my training and more anxious to get to a specialist.

5. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and I’ll Always Know What You Did Last SummerYes, the best way to introduce a new film is by referencing the old film and letting the audience know that nothing has changed. There’s really no reason to watch these sequels. I mean you already know what they did last summer. He still knows. Nothing’s new. And, in 2013, look for – Regarding That Which You Did Last Summer…My Knowledge of It and All Pertaining Events Remains Consistent.

4. Breakin’ 2: Electric BoogalooMy favorite type of boogaloo.

3. Honey, I Blew Up the KidI know this is a family comedy, but it sounds like a horror movie. “Um, honey, you know that experiment where I attached explosives to our offspring…” And this was followed by the direct to video, Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. Really? You need to tell your wife that you’re both now half an inch tall? You don’t think she might have figured that out on her own as she tried to navigate her way around a grain of sand?

2. Final Destination 5In general, I think filmmakers should avoid putting the word “final” in their movie’s title if they plan on making a whole bunch of sequels. May I suggest Final Destination 6: The Last, Concluding Finish to the End of all Destinations.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars

1. The Brave Little Toaster Goes to MarsI don’t know anything about this movie, or the book so here is the actual (abbreviated) plot summary from Wikipedia…

“Rob and Chris have a baby boy named Robbie. Later, the Hearing Aid gets out of the drawer and baby Robbie gets out of his crib and follows Hearing Aid. The appliances chase after Hearing Aid, but then Robbie disappears in a bubble through space. After that, they all find out that he was sent to Mars.

They get the microwave, cheddar cheese popcorn, laundry basket and ceiling fan to help them fly and they set off in space to go to Mars and find Robbie. The appliances crash on Mars and find the baby. They meet a Christmas angel named Tinselina who was sent to mars with Viking 1. The appliances follow a group of military toasters to their leader, Supreme Commander, who is a huge refrigerator. They then learn that they are going to blow Earth up because their old owners threw them out, and Toaster tries to talk them out of it. In between the fight, Robbie is able to push a hand out of his bubble. His hand touches Supreme Commander, and the refrigerator suddenly begins to turn pink.

 The appliances go into the freezer of Supreme Commander and find the brother of Hearing Aid. They have not seen each in sixty years. When asked by Toaster why Surpreme Commander changed his mind about blowing up Earth, he says that the touch of the small boy’s hand reminded him that not all humans are bad. Tinselina gives up her clothes so they can have something organic to get back to earth.

The appliances return to Earth just in time as the baby monitor that Ratso, their pet rat, had been restraining all night, finally wakes Rob and Christine up. One day when they are taping Robbie, Rob finds Tinselina in a garbage can and fixes her up. It is a happy ending when Robbie’s first word is “Toaster!”

Which obviously begs the question…what the f#@*?

I have got to see this movie. It is either the messiest pile of cinematic nonsense ever created or the greatest film in history. A hearing aid sends a baby to Mars? Cheddar cheese popcorn allows appliances to partake in interstellar travel? NASA has been secretly exporting our angels to the red planet? Military toasters? A refrigerator that changes colors when you touch it? Hearing aids stored for decades in freezers? A Christmas angel strip tease? And, after all of this bizarre creativity, they name their pet rat Ratso? This is the craziest plot summary I’ve read in my life.

I’m moving it to the top of my Netflix queue. And I’ll watch it as soon as I return Bloodfist IX: Electric Boogaloo Never Sleeps.

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Comments
  1. Jenny says:

    You’re brilliant, as usual.

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