Vs. Crunchy Peanut Butter

Posted: July 29, 2012 in Food
Tags: , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. Forget about the fact that the world is going to end in less than six months, there are far more important issues to be discussed today…like, who the hell buys crunchy peanut butter?

Look, if I wanted chunks of peanuts I’d buy…peanuts. I want a smooth creamy spread that glides on to my bread like an elegant, bedazzled ice skater. Crunchy peanut butter will tear through your toast like an angry golfer hacking up divots.

Peanut butter is a semi-solid and can therefor...

Chunks need not apply.

And it ain’t pretty. Do a Google image search for “peanut butter” and you’ll see picture after picture of pure, creamy goodness. Crunchy peanut butter does not photograph well. No one wants to look at that stuff and no one should be eating it.

Just check out peanutbutterlovers.com, a fantastic website that states, “What kind of world do we live in? Does anybody need a website dedicated to loving peanut butter?” Actually, it probably doesn’t say that. I’m willing to do some research, but I just couldn’t click on that site because the answer is no, nobody needs a website dedicated to loving peanut butter. I mean, come on, how much can you really explore that topic?

“Hey, do you love peanut butter?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty tasty.”

“Cool, I agree.”

That’s it. End of conversation. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the downside of crunchy peanut butter – now that’s a topic with legs. Or, as Skippy calls it – Super Chunk Peanut Butter. Who were the marketing geniuses behind that name? I don’t want to eat anything called Super Chunk. I don’t even want to be in the same room as something called Super Chunk. Unless it’s the name of the world’s first overweight superhero. Now that I could get behind. Us fatties need role models too.

So, Skippy calls it Super Chunk, but Jif and Peter Pan call it Crunchy. And it’s just this simple, one’s butter should not be crunchy. If you bite down on butter and there’s a crunch, we’ve got a serious problem. And, by the way, what’s up with Peter Pan Peanut Butter? Sure, it’s delicious, but why the name? Oh, I remember now…Peter Pan was the mythical character who lived with Lost Boys, fairies, mermaids and pirates, he could fly and he never grew old due to this magical ability to convert dry, roasted peanuts into a paste…no, that’s not how the story went at all. Peter Pan has nothing to do with peanut butter. In fact, if I recall correctly, Wendy had a peanut allergy, so it’s really not cool.

Anyway, I think I’ve made my point. Intelligent people can disagree on things like politics, religion, world affairs, but no one could possibly think that crunchy peanut butter is superior to creamy.

And don’t get me started on jelly.

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Comments
  1. Christine. says:

    I hate peanut butter Full Stop but I can see why you would be so anti Chunky or Crunchy. I can’t bear to have ‘bits’ in my spread as it spoils the texture immensely. The knife isn’t able to get a smooth action when it’s meant to glide as you so brilliantly compared to a ‘bedazzled ice skater’. I will follow your blog with interest. This topic might be trivial to most people but I feel your passion and I commend you for that. By the way, in England ‘jelly’ is what we call our ‘jam’ and I have the same opinion for that. Our jelly is a wobbly dessert that goes well with ice cream. Yum. :)

  2. To give you perspective from the other side of this deeply important issue: chunky peanut butter gives better texture to peanut butter cookies.

  3. On the other hand, if it’s crunch you’re after, the smooth variety is just another soft spread.

  4. jefferree says:

    This is a very important issue about which I’ve argued vehemently for most of my textured life. And the *truth* of the matter is this: creamy peanut butter does not belong on store shelves and should not have been given such a prominent place there or in history, regardless of its connections to certain previous liberal presidents or amazing confectionery discoveries (\”You got chocolate in my peanut butter!”).

    Why would you take the chunk or the crunch out of ANYTHING is what I want to know? EVERYTHING’S better with nuts in it – ice cream, cinnamon rolls, German chocolate cake frosting, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies, peanut butter cookies, pretty much any kind of cookie. And I won’t even go into the small but relevant non-sweets category!

    Crunch gives mastication a more fulfilling purpose. It gives your teeth something to do instead of letting your tongue have all the fun. Crunch adds character. Crunch hints at the original state of things as opposed to experiencing just the mushy leftovers. Crunch allows you to enjoy your peanut butter longer rather than just the fleeting moment of a quick squish and a swallow.

    Simply put, crunch, and *especially* any brand of crunchy peanut butter, gives meaning to life and true excitement to PB&J.

    So, don’t be a crunch hater.

  5. I don’t mind crunchy peanut butter, but I quit buying store brands because they taste like polyethylene. We buy ours freshly ground. Because we’re crunchy like that.

  6. heathersnyder1 says:

    I am a Certified Crunchy Peanut Butter Lover. I spread crunchy peanut butter on anything, and I’m not ashamed to say it.

  7. ericandbecky says:

    I only eat peanut butter because I am a vegetarian and without it, I would probably be so lacking in protein and iron that I would most likely shrivel up and die. And I agree with you on the creamy as the first and only choice. And on a completely unrelated note, how much do I love this blog? Answer: a lot!

    • Makya McBee says:

      Speaker – What? She didn’t comment? She always comments. (Wiping away a tear)

      Christine – I wish I were British just so I could say things like, “full stop.” That is so cool. I appreciate your tempered support and am pleased to count you as a reader Full Stop.

      Mr. See Through – I will admit that a peanut butter cookie is perhaps the only place this is acceptable. But I’d rather even they be smooth. Let’s agree to disagree (let’s also agree that I’m right).

      Marsha of the Small Walkers – If it’s crunch you’re after buy a bag of nuts.

      jefferree – I’ll deal with you in my next blog post…

      Cliche – A peanut butter renegade…I can appreciate that…as long as your freshly grinding it until it’s creamy and smooth.

      Heather – Well, this is a sticky situation you’ve created…by spreading peanut butter all over the place…look, you’ve been here since the beginning and I appreciate that…but you should be ashamed…crunchy peanut butter is wrong Full Stop.

      Eric and Becky – You are so right. So right to love this blog. And so right to know that creamy is the ONLY way to go. Carry on.

  8. I totally hear ya, brother! I go for smooth. I don’t like crunchy peanut butter. Or nuts on my sundae.

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