Here’s the deal. Forget about the fact that the world is going to end in less than six months, there are far more important issues to be discussed today…like, who the hell buys crunchy peanut butter?
Look, if I wanted chunks of peanuts I’d buy…peanuts. I want a smooth creamy spread that glides on to my bread like an elegant, bedazzled ice skater. Crunchy peanut butter will tear through your toast like an angry golfer hacking up divots.
And it ain’t pretty. Do a Google image search for “peanut butter” and you’ll see picture after picture of pure, creamy goodness. Crunchy peanut butter does not photograph well. No one wants to look at that stuff and no one should be eating it.
Just check out peanutbutterlovers.com, a fantastic website that states, “What kind of world do we live in? Does anybody need a website dedicated to loving peanut butter?” Actually, it probably doesn’t say that. I’m willing to do some research, but I just couldn’t click on that site because the answer is no, nobody needs a website dedicated to loving peanut butter. I mean, come on, how much can you really explore that topic?
“Hey, do you love peanut butter?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty tasty.”
“Cool, I agree.”
That’s it. End of conversation. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the downside of crunchy peanut butter – now that’s a topic with legs. Or, as Skippy calls it – Super Chunk Peanut Butter. Who were the marketing geniuses behind that name? I don’t want to eat anything called Super Chunk. I don’t even want to be in the same room as something called Super Chunk. Unless it’s the name of the world’s first overweight superhero. Now that I could get behind. Us fatties need role models too.
So, Skippy calls it Super Chunk, but Jif and Peter Pan call it Crunchy. And it’s just this simple, one’s butter should not be crunchy. If you bite down on butter and there’s a crunch, we’ve got a serious problem. And, by the way, what’s up with Peter Pan Peanut Butter? Sure, it’s delicious, but why the name? Oh, I remember now…Peter Pan was the mythical character who lived with Lost Boys, fairies, mermaids and pirates, he could fly and he never grew old due to this magical ability to convert dry, roasted peanuts into a paste…no, that’s not how the story went at all. Peter Pan has nothing to do with peanut butter. In fact, if I recall correctly, Wendy had a peanut allergy, so it’s really not cool.
Anyway, I think I’ve made my point. Intelligent people can disagree on things like politics, religion, world affairs, but no one could possibly think that crunchy peanut butter is superior to creamy.
And don’t get me started on jelly.