Here’s the deal. I was recently wading through the piles of papers on my desk (mostly unpaid bills and Xeroxed Ziggy comics…I like to copy them and then go to town with my box of crayons. Believe it or not, he’s even funnier in color!) and I came across a collection of random top ten lists I’d written. They were just taking up space so, clearly, I had to move these fast. Thus, I’m thrilled to offer them to you at the incredible, low price of 50% off.
Please feel free to window shop, take a couple of them for a test drive if you think they’re a good fit with your lifestyle. And just tell me what I can do to put you in one of my top ten lists today…
Top Ten Rejected Three’s Company Story Lines
5. A visit to the museum results in hijinks, and Jack accidentally sets fire to the Neanderthal display…a series of hilarious “flaming Homo” jokes follow.
4. Chrissy wins the Nobel Prize.
3. Jack wakes up in bed with Bob Newhart and realizes everything was just a dream.
2. Trapped in a freak Santa Monica blizzard, Chrissy, Janet and Jack murder and cannibalize the Roepers.
1. Jack realizes his life would be a lot easier if he got his own place.
Top Ten Ineffectual Assassination Techniques
5. Thumb wrestling.
4. Strategically placed banana peel.
3. Death by chocolate.
2. Release the killer puppies.
1. Let nature take its course.
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad High School Guidance Counselor
5. Recommends you attend Hogwarts University.
4. Every time you step into her office, she says, “What are you here for? Guidance or counseling? Cuz you sure as hell ain’t gettin’ both.”
3. When you graduate, he wraps himself around your ankles and cries out, “Please take me with you!”
2. Argues that jobs are overrated and suggests you first establish hobbies.
1. She’s only there to do research for her Saved By the Bell screenplay.
Pinocchio’s Top Ten Problems
5. Constant anxiety of being both flammable inflammable.
4. Can’t get any sleep at night due to Jiminy’s incessant chirping.
3. Every time he lies, his nose grows. I mean, you’re familiar with Pinocchio, right? This is really his central issue. And it’s a fairly serious problem. Can you imagine? It’s terribly embarrassing for him. And it absolutely wrecked his dreams of being a professional poker player. Everything else sort of pales in comparison. This is mostly what he’s known for.
2. He’s applied to ever single season of MTV’s Real World, but they won’t cast him as he is not a real boy.
Top Ten Signs You’re Carrying Satan’s Child
5. Your stretch marks form a pentagram.
4. Constantly craving deviled eggs.
3. Every time you get morning sickness, your head spins 360 degrees.
2. The sonogram shows the fetus holding a cute, tiny pitchfork.
1. You’re in a committed relationship with the Prince of Darkness, the two of you decide to try and conceive, and the pregnancy test comes back positive. Congratulations!