Vs. Freezer Burn

Here’s the deal. I don’t care for freezer burn.

To start with, there’s its oxymoronic nature. Correct me if I’m wrong, but burns are caused by heat and freezers are used to keep things cold. If your freezer is burning your groceries, you’ve got not only a food problem, but a logic problem as well. What else is going on in that topsy-turvy kitchen of yours? Dish washer soiling your plates? Toaster turning your bread back into dough? Are these household appliances or a Lewis Carroll poem?

And what’s more disappointing than popping open that carton of ice cream and finding a dozen little stalagmite ice crystals across the surface of your mint chocolate chip? It’s just not fair. I mean, the whole reason you put your food in a freezer in the first place is so that it will stay fresh longer…and now the cold has turned on you like a rabid, seeing-eye dog.

In case you’re curious, here’s how freezer burn works. When you close your freezer door, snow molecules descend from the chill processing unit and ionize your food’s DNA. Then, Darwinism kicks in as there aren’t enough freezer atoms for all of the food and the fittest food attracts the most ice molecules and then the other food tries to compensate by mutating their edible particles into burning hot embers in an effort to attract the frigid molecules by tricking them into thinking that there’s a fire that must be put out. Thus, it’s the uneducated, naïve nature of your colder molecules that leads your food to be burned with ice…um…something doesn’t feel quite right…maybe I should consult some reference material…

Freezer burn never looked so good

Okay, the world wide interweb tells me that if one spot on the food is colder than the rest, the water molecules (see, I knew there would be molecules involved) will sublimate, leaving the other parts dehydrated.

Frankly, I think my explanation was making more sense.

Either way, it happens, okay? Freezer burn is a real thing. I’ve seen it. And it’s not pretty.

I don’t really know what else to say. Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve already squeezed 350 words out of this subject. Come on, I’m writing a blog post about how I don’t like freezer burn. That should be good for fifteen, sixteen words max. And I don’t envy you, having to read this. Here you were, Monday morning, thinking to yourself, “Another work week is started, I don’t know how much longer I can take this crap…oh, look, a new post by my favorite blogger of all time…let’s just see what Makya is up to, this will certainly brighten my otherwise dismal day in a surprisingly entertaining way…freezer burn? Seriously? This idiot ran out of topics about four months ago…remember when he wrote about the Slinky? That’s when the blog was good…when was that? Last summer? It must have been summer, I remember we were planning that trip to Tahoe…I’d love to get back there…really just lovely, the weather, the people, the reasonably priced family activities. I should see if that cabin’s available again.”

And I agree. Turns out it isn’t much of a topic. But I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I mean, I did make a couple of good points. After all, freezer burn is really annoying. And Lake Tahoe is lovely this time of year.