Here’s the deal. Since creating this blog when I was just a lad, this is the longest I’ve gone without a post. What happened? I got busy. Yeah, that’s right, I had things to do, what, you want to fight about it? I can have things to do. Just because I’ve spent 87% or the past six months on my couch doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally have an errand to run. Firstly, I had to do some writing. While I continue to provide comedic nuggets on this blog free of charge, from time to time people still pay me to write. And when they do the freebie nouns and verbs take a back seat. Secondly, I spent twenty hours playing in a poker tournament over the weekend. This is not that unusual. I play a lot of poker. What? You think I have a problem? Yeah, the kind of problem that pays my rent, suckers.
And, speaking of paying the rent, what’s the deal with pennies? They’re completely useless. Australia and New Zealand did away with pennies years ago. Where’s our national pride? How can we hold our heads up while we fall behind these Southern hemisphere countries? Australia already leads us in Vegemite exports, kangaroo deaths, boomerang sales (and returns…get it?), and Crocodile Dundees, we can’t afford to let them take the lead on currency elimination.
What can you buy with a penny (other than someone’s thoughts)? You need a whole pile of them just to purchase some gum. They’ve lost all their value. Did you know that it currently costs our government 2.4 cents to mint one penny? We’re losing more with every one we make. Meanwhile, it cost only 7.7 cents to produce a hundred dollar bill. No one’s suggesting we start outsourcing our production of c-notes to companies that will charge us $240 apiece.
And Lincoln fans need not make a fuss, the guy’s already got the five dollar bill. Abe’s great and all, but enough’s enough. I say we search our couch cushions, dig under our car seats, empty our piggy banks, and eradicate the lot of them. After all, when it comes to pennies minted between 1909 and 1982 (back when they were 95% copper) the value of the metal (2.2 cents) is worth more than the coin. We could solve our nation’s debt crisis if we gave all of our spare pennies to the government and let them melt them down and sell the metal. Come on, it’s a no-brainer.
Twice Congress has introduced bills to get rid of the penny and twice they’ve failed to pass. Probably because polls show that a majority of Americans want to keep the penny. But so what, polls also show that a majority of Americans think that Donald Trump is savvy. I don’t get it. I mean, we used to have a half-cent. We got rid of those back in 1857 and nobody cares. Granted, all of the people that used half-cents are now dead, but I’m guessing they didn’t lie on their death bed ruing the loss of their precious half penny. They were almost certainly much more concerned with the fact that they were dying.
So, let’s do it. Find a penny, pick it up…and throw it away. Or mail it to Congress for the great copper melt down of 2012. We don’t need these in our pockets anymore. They are, literally, just not worth it. So join me, friends, in ditching the penny and petitioning the U.S. Mint to cease production. Bottom line – it no longer makes sense to make cents.