Archive for June, 2012

Here’s the deal. I think that spam is the poetry of the technological age. There’s something so unique and lyrical about the language. I’ve previously discussed these unwanted emails here, here and here. And the more I am exposed to them, the greater my affection for this stylistic art form.

Typically, my blog receives a handful of spam messages each week. But something unusual happened recently. I posted my take on the world-ending perils of gay marriage and my sentiments resonated to some degree as it became my third most popular post since creating this blog. (What are the top two? Well, number one is merely because it was my single experience being freshly pressed and number two is due to the fact that it gets more search engine traffic than anything else I’ve written). For reasons I don’t quite understand, this particular post was flooded with close to a thousand spam comments. And, for the good of the human race, I waded through them and found this gem…

“My wife and i ended up being so fortunate when Edward managed to finish up his basic research through your precious recommendations he obtained using your web page. It’s not at all simplistic to simply choose to be freely giving secrets that many many others have been trying to sell. Therefore we recognize we have got you to appreciate for that. The explanations you have made, the simple site navigation, the friendships you can make it possible to instill – it is mostly amazing, and it’s leading our son in addition to us reckon that the article is cool, and that is exceptionally important. Thanks for all the pieces!

Delbert Flugum”

CG depiction of Gollum created by Weta Digital...

Precious…my precious…my precious recommendations…

Delbert Flugum? Delbert? Flugum? Is that not the best name ever? The message is fantastic, and the name is the cherry on top of this spam comment sundae.

Firstly, I’m thrilled to have been able to assist Edward with his research on gay marriage. I’m not sure specifically which “precious recommendations” were helpful (after all, there are so many precious recommendations on my blog), but I’m glad they helped. Perhaps when young Eddie moves beyond “basic” research to something more in-depth, I can recommend additional precious resources for the lad.

And I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought to myself, “It’s not at all simplistic to simply choose to be freely giving secrets.” Amen, brother. At its essence, that’s what my blog is all about. It’s not at all simplistic to simply simplify my blog into one simple statement, but you pulled it off Delbert. Thank you for understanding me so deeply. It is, in fact, you who have instilled a friendship in me.

And, of course, you’re more than welcome for all the pieces. I just want to officially express my gratitude for all of your pieces. Your pieces of sentences which, when fully assembled, very nearly make coherent thoughts. It’s as if you’re almost a real person. And that’s a lot more than I can say for some people.

Mr. Flugum, i reckon it is you who are mostly amazing as you have simplistically instilled precious insight into the pieces of my heart.

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Here’s the deal. Don’t talk during the movie.

That’s it.

Don’t. Talk. During. The movie.

If you want to talk go…anywhere other than a movie theater.

Open junior mints

And the winner is…

And these guys sitting behind me seemed absolutely oblivious to the fact that their wildly audible conversation might be a wee bit inconsiderate. How is this possible? Hey, morons, remember how you were talking and then you suddenly had to start talking louder? That was due to the fact that the previews had started and they were threatening to drown out your drivel. How about, rather than increasing the volume of your fascinating discussion on the merits of Junior Mints vs. Twizzlers, you shut the hell up?

Despite your sophomoric guffaws, I can assure you that what you are saying is neither amusing nor interesting. And your blatant disregard for basic etiquette makes me wish the theater sold muzzles next to the Kit Kats. If I weren’t as confrontational as a baby bunny rabbit, I’d stand up, turn around and insist that you take the world’s loudest, rudest and most boring chat out into the parking lot. And if I weren’t allergic to pain, I’d pull a double Van Gogh on myself and put an end to the misery of having to listen to you idiots.   

I’m not suggesting that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is going to win any Oscars, but I paid twelve bucks to listen to the movie’s dialogue…not yours.

Here’s the deal. The English language is difficult enough without some words having multiple spellings. I’ve taught many a child how to spell and it goes a little something like this, “When you find these two letters together they’ll make this sound except for sometimes when they’ll make a completely different sound for no good reason whatsoever.”

We teach, for example, that the letters “ou” makes the “ow” sound, as in the words loud, noun, south and many others. And then, as soon as the student understands, we hit them with the words tough, dough, cough, and through.

“It usually makes the ‘ow’ sound,” we backtrack, “but, apparently it can also make the long ‘o’ sound, the short ‘u’ sound and pretty much randomly make any other darned sound it wants.”

“So,” the patient student queries, “When followed by ‘gh,’ it makes different sounds?”

And that’s when you introduce them to “bough,” and we’re right back where we started.

At which point both student and teacher curl into the fetal position and rock back and forth on top of their dictionaries.

I could go on and on about how each letter combination in our language has a rule as to what sound it makes…and then has way too many exceptions to this rule. But I fear that more examples would be very, very boring…so I’ll just do what all of the really popular, unbearable baby talk websites do and distract you with a picture of an adorable hedgehog taking a bubble bath…

adorable, bath, bubbles, cute, hedgehog

But back to my point. Our language is tricky enough as is. We’ve got to get rid of words that have alternate spellings. Currently, we could write…

That nosy blonde in the gray sweater canceled her doughnut order and got some barbecue.

And it would be no different that writing…

That nosey blond in the grey sweater cancelled her donut order and got some barbeque.

That’s messed up, right? That’s six words in one sentence that we can spell two different ways. How is anyone supposed to teach that? Is it mood based spelling? Just spell it how it feels right? Well I, for one, won’t stand for it. It’s time we make up our minds, people. Let’s put every word with two spellings on the ballot this fall and have a vote. Most popular spelling wins (sorry, “grey”) and we’ll amend our reference material accordingly.

And if the only thing that brought you to my blog was the overwhelming cuteness of the above photo, then you are already accustomed to coming up with your own alternate spellings of common words in your unreadable texts and your annoying lolspeak. I want you and your friends to stop immediately. If you don’t understand, allow me to rephrase today’s topic in your language, “I can haz alternit spillings?”

No.

No, you can’t.

Here’s the deal. Last week I received the following comment in my wordpress blog comment area thingy place (sorry for the technical jargon) –

“Hey Makya,

I love your blog. I’ve nominated it for a One Lovely Blog Award: http://mackthewriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/internet-miracles-can-come-true/

Click on the link to see how to accept, if you’re interested.

Debbi”

Firstly, let me say that I love Debbi Mack. Well, that might be overstating it a little bit. I don’t, in fact, know Debbi Mack. She was, however, one of the very first misguided bloggers to provide a link to my blog on her blog back when I started this thing up and I would like to make it quite clear that any time anyone has something nice to say about me, I’m on board. I’m certainly thankful that she thought of me. That being said…

There are a number of blogger to blogger awards with names like: The One Lovely Blog Award, The Awesome Blog Content Award, and The Look, Someone Created a Blog Award. Okay, I made that last one up, but I’m sure that if I invested enough time and nominated enough bloggers, I could get that one up and running.

Denzel Washington in the lobby of the Dorothy ...

“Here’s one for you, and one for you…”

Here’s how they work. When you win this award, you are requested to nominate ten other blogs…it’s essentially an award chain letter. Obviously, if every blogger that won this award were to nominate ten others, every single blogger in the world will have won within a matter of days. I’ve got to figure this hurts the prestige just a little. I mean, if after winning the Academy Award, Denzel was given ten more Oscars to quickly hand out to folks in the audience and so on and so forth…

Look, I understand why we do it for young children. I’m not opposed to the notion of every kid on every soccer team taking home a trophy when they’re six. It makes them happy. They’re young enough to forego teaching them tough lessons about the real world and let them have a miniature gold-colored, plastic statue of a forward, mid-kick atop a faux-marble base. It’s fine for kids. But I’m not quite as sold on the culture of adults that says everybody’s special and we all deserve recognition for every little thing.

The internet has helped to create a world in which anyone can rant about anything, upload hilarious shots of teenagers getting hit in the crotch, and create your very own “music” video…and talent is never a prerequisite. Like almost everything in the universe, this is good and bad. But the web’s content is still mostly the latter. I’m sorry, but we’re not all special.

But not me, I am special. Clearly. I mean, I won an award, suckers. And it comes with a questionnaire (who doesn’t want to feel like they’re being interviewed after receiving their award?) Here are the questions (complete with my answers) that accompany the One Lovely Blog Award –   

1. What is your favorite color? Yellow with purple polka dots.

2. What is your favorite animal? Humans.

3. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Vodka.

4. Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter? No.

5. What is your favorite pattern? I refuse to answer on the grounds that this is a ridiculous question.

6. Do you prefer giving or getting presents? I prefer the past.

7. What is your favorite number? Excuse me? That’s a little bit personal, thank you very much.

8. What is your favorite day of the week? Tomorrow.

9. What is your favorite flower? I don’t have a favorite flower. I do have a favorite flour – Self rising, wheat.

10. What’s your passion? My passion is mocking blogger awards while still trying not to look like a complete jackass. And it’s not easy. Look, I understand that people are just trying to be nice. I appreciate that. I very much appreciate that Ms. Mack took the time to say that she enjoys my writing. That does mean something to me. It means more than an award that someone created as an experiment in exponential randomness.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that these awards are sort of ridiculous and silly…and…thank you very much.

Here’s the deal. I was recently wading through the piles of papers on my desk (mostly unpaid bills and Xeroxed Ziggy comics…I like to copy them and then go to town with my box of crayons. Believe it or not, he’s even funnier in color!) and I came across a collection of random top ten lists I’d written. They were just taking up space so, clearly, I had to move these fast. Thus, I’m thrilled to offer them to you at the incredible, low price of 50% off.

Please feel free to window shop, take a couple of them for a test drive if you think they’re a good fit with your lifestyle. And just tell me what I can do to put you in one of my top ten lists today…

The

 

 

Top Ten Rejected Three’s Company Story Lines

5. A visit to the museum results in hijinks, and Jack accidentally sets fire to the Neanderthal display…a series of hilarious “flaming Homo” jokes follow.

4. Chrissy wins the Nobel Prize.

3. Jack wakes up in bed with Bob Newhart and realizes everything was just a dream.

2. Trapped in a freak Santa Monica blizzard, Chrissy, Janet and Jack murder and cannibalize the Roepers.

1. Jack realizes his life would be a lot easier if he got his own place.

Top Ten Ineffectual Assassination Techniques

5. Thumb wrestling.

4. Strategically placed banana peel.

3. Death by chocolate.

2. Release the killer puppies.

1. Let nature take its course.

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad High School Guidance Counselor

5. Recommends you attend Hogwarts University.

The cast of Saved by the Bell, clockwise from ...

I can’t wait for the movie…

4. Every time you step into her office, she says, “What are you here for? Guidance or counseling? Cuz you sure as hell ain’t gettin’ both.”

3. When you graduate, he wraps himself around your ankles and cries out, “Please take me with you!”

2. Argues that jobs are overrated and suggests you first establish hobbies.

1. She’s only there to do research for her Saved By the Bell screenplay.

 

Pinocchio’s Top Ten Problems

5. Constant anxiety of being both flammable inflammable.

4. Can’t get any sleep at night due to Jiminy’s incessant chirping.

3. Every time he lies, his nose grows. I mean, you’re familiar with Pinocchio, right? This is really his central issue. And it’s a fairly serious problem. Can you imagine? It’s terribly embarrassing for him. And it absolutely wrecked his dreams of being a professional poker player. Everything else sort of pales in comparison. This is mostly what he’s known for.

2. He’s applied to ever single season of MTV’s Real World, but they won’t cast him as he is not a real boy.

1. Termites.

Artistic representation of the Devil.

I hope you two are very happy together.

Top Ten Signs You’re Carrying Satan’s Child

5. Your stretch marks form a pentagram.

4. Constantly craving deviled eggs.

3. Every time you get morning sickness, your head spins 360 degrees.

2. The sonogram shows the fetus holding a cute, tiny pitchfork.

1. You’re in a committed relationship with the Prince of Darkness, the two of you decide to try and conceive, and the pregnancy test comes back positive. Congratulations!

Here’s the deal. I don’t care for freezer burn.

To start with, there’s its oxymoronic nature. Correct me if I’m wrong, but burns are caused by heat and freezers are used to keep things cold. If your freezer is burning your groceries, you’ve got not only a food problem, but a logic problem as well. What else is going on in that topsy-turvy kitchen of yours? Dish washer soiling your plates? Toaster turning your bread back into dough? Are these household appliances or a Lewis Carroll poem?

And what’s more disappointing than popping open that carton of ice cream and finding a dozen little stalagmite ice crystals across the surface of your mint chocolate chip? It’s just not fair. I mean, the whole reason you put your food in a freezer in the first place is so that it will stay fresh longer…and now the cold has turned on you like a rabid, seeing-eye dog.

In case you’re curious, here’s how freezer burn works. When you close your freezer door, snow molecules descend from the chill processing unit and ionize your food’s DNA. Then, Darwinism kicks in as there aren’t enough freezer atoms for all of the food and the fittest food attracts the most ice molecules and then the other food tries to compensate by mutating their edible particles into burning hot embers in an effort to attract the frigid molecules by tricking them into thinking that there’s a fire that must be put out. Thus, it’s the uneducated, naïve nature of your colder molecules that leads your food to be burned with ice…um…something doesn’t feel quite right…maybe I should consult some reference material…

Lake Tahoe from eastcoast

Freezer burn never looked so good

Okay, the world wide interweb tells me that if one spot on the food is colder than the rest, the water molecules (see, I knew there would be molecules involved) will sublimate, leaving the other parts dehydrated.

Frankly, I think my explanation was making more sense.

Either way, it happens, okay? Freezer burn is a real thing. I’ve seen it. And it’s not pretty.

I don’t really know what else to say. Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve already squeezed 350 words out of this subject. Come on, I’m writing a blog post about how I don’t like freezer burn. That should be good for fifteen, sixteen words max. And I don’t envy you, having to read this. Here you were, Monday morning, thinking to yourself, “Another work week is started, I don’t know how much longer I can take this crap…oh, look, a new post by my favorite blogger of all time…let’s just see what Makya is up to, this will certainly brighten my otherwise dismal day in a surprisingly entertaining way…freezer burn? Seriously? This idiot ran out of topics about four months ago…remember when he wrote about the Slinky? That’s when the blog was good…when was that? Last summer? It must have been summer, I remember we were planning that trip to Tahoe…I’d love to get back there…really just lovely, the weather, the people, the reasonably priced family activities. I should see if that cabin’s available again.”

And I agree. Turns out it isn’t much of a topic. But I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I mean, I did make a couple of good points. After all, freezer burn is really annoying. And Lake Tahoe is lovely this time of year.

Here’s the deal. Since creating this blog when I was just a lad, this is the longest I’ve gone without a post. What happened? I got busy. Yeah, that’s right, I had things to do, what, you want to fight about it? I can have things to do. Just because I’ve spent 87% or the past six months on my couch doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally have an errand to run. Firstly, I had to do some writing. While I continue to provide comedic nuggets on this blog free of charge, from time to time people still pay me to write. And when they do the freebie nouns and verbs take a back seat. Secondly, I spent twenty hours playing in a poker tournament over the weekend. This is not that unusual. I play a lot of poker. What? You think I have a problem? Yeah, the kind of problem that pays my rent, suckers.

And, speaking of paying the rent, what’s the deal with pennies? They’re completely useless. Australia and New Zealand did away with pennies years ago. Where’s our national pride? How can we hold our heads up while we fall behind these Southern hemisphere countries? Australia already leads us in Vegemite exports, kangaroo deaths, boomerang sales (and returns…get it?), and Crocodile Dundees, we can’t afford to let them take the lead on currency elimination.

English: Large amount of pennies

That’s a lot of thoughts.

What can you buy with a penny (other than someone’s thoughts)? You need a whole pile of them just to purchase some gum. They’ve lost all their value. Did you know that it currently costs our government 2.4 cents to mint one penny? We’re losing more with every one we make. Meanwhile, it cost only 7.7 cents to produce a hundred dollar bill. No one’s suggesting we start outsourcing our production of c-notes to companies that will charge us $240 apiece.

And Lincoln fans need not make a fuss, the guy’s already got the five dollar bill. Abe’s great and all, but enough’s enough. I say we search our couch cushions, dig under our car seats, empty our piggy banks, and eradicate the lot of them. After all, when it comes to pennies minted between 1909 and 1982 (back when they were 95% copper) the value of the metal (2.2 cents) is worth more than the coin. We could solve our nation’s debt crisis if we gave all of our spare pennies to the government and let them melt them down and sell the metal. Come on, it’s a no-brainer.

Twice Congress has introduced bills to get rid of the penny and twice they’ve failed to pass. Probably because polls show that a majority of Americans want to keep the penny. But so what, polls also show that a majority of Americans think that Donald Trump is savvy. I don’t get it. I mean, we used to have a half-cent. We got rid of those back in 1857 and nobody cares. Granted, all of the people that used half-cents are now dead, but I’m guessing they didn’t lie on their death bed ruing the loss of their precious half penny. They were almost certainly much more concerned with the fact that they were dying.

So, let’s do it. Find a penny, pick it up…and throw it away. Or mail it to Congress for the great copper melt down of 2012. We don’t need these in our pockets anymore. They are, literally, just not worth it. So join me, friends, in ditching the penny and petitioning the U.S. Mint to cease production. Bottom line – it no longer makes sense to make cents.