Here’s the deal. Any blogger can write a movie review. “Hey, look at me, I saw a movie and I now I have some thoughts about it.” Big whoop. Anyone can go and see a movie and then write a synopsis. But how many people can offer a synopsis of a film before they’ve seen it? Well, always the innovator, I’m about to do just that.
I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you, Makya McBee, write trailers and commercials for movies and thus have access to them before their release date?” Yes. As a member of the Hollywood elite, it is not uncommon for me to view a film many months before it is available to the common masses. But when I do so, I have to sign a confidentiality agreement wherein I am not allowed to discuss the movie with anyone under penalty of being tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, executed by firing squad, and a fifty dollar fine.
What I’m trying to say is – this outline is for a movie that I have not seen. I am recapping a film that I have not watched, nor have I read anything about. I know that it’s set at a water park and, yes, I did see the first one. Other than that, it’s all prognosticating. So glance into my crystal ball and prepare to be amazed…
The movie starts with a night janitor at a water park (or someone else who won’t be missed)…what’s that in the water…he leans forward…and is chomped to death by a killer piranha…awesome…now it’s the next day, the water park is in full swing with overly attractive, top heavy, bikini babes frolicking down water slides…everyone is having a great time and nobody suspects that there’s trouble ahead…we meet our heroine, she’s young, attractive, and wise beyond her years…sure, she’s just a lifeguard now, but she dreams of being a big shot marine biologist…unfortunately, she doesn’t have the best taste in guys and she’s dating the cool, male lifeguard who’s an arrogant jerk and he’s cheating on her…you know who she should really be with, that sweet guy that works at the food stand in the water park and admires her from afar…but he’s just too shy to approach her…but that’s not what this movie is really about – it’s about killer piranhas…and they’ve gotten into the water system and are closing in on our unsuspecting bikini babes…as the piranha horde make its way through the pipes, one who has already made it into the park and bites a kid…our heroine recognizes that this is something unusual and she goes to the park owner to warn him that he needs to shut the place down…but, gosh darned it, the boss just won’t listen…this is their busy time of year and he’s all about making money…he callously ignores her pleas and tells her to stop making trouble…the sweet kid that’s secretly in love with her overhears and sees his opportunity…he tells her about his friend the creepy old scientist…that night, two young, reckless park employees go skinny dipping in the dark…guess what…surprise…they’re eaten up by piranhas…the next morning, our heroes pay a visit to the scientist and he knows all about these fish and warns of what will happen if they don’t get those people out of there…they rush back to the water park, but, wouldn’t you know it, it’s too late…the killer piranhas have broken through the complex pipe system and are killing people right and left in surprisingly creative ways…mass panic…people falling into the water…gruesome deaths…lots of breast shots…her bad boyfriend dies in excruciating pain…red water…but a grizzled, tough guy who’s battled deadly marine life before shows up and helps the girl and the guy kill the fish…there are a couple of close calls, but they just escape with their lives and finally share a kiss after the last of the piranhas are dead…or are they…the last shot hints at the fact that there are still some killer fish left and there might just be a budget for one more sequel.
So, should you see it? Well, if your favorite movie is a tie between Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, I’d buy your tickets right now. If you like tongue in cheek shots of tongues being ripped out through the cheek – get in line. If however, you’re favorite film is Pride and Prejudice, and your ideal evening involves light classical music and a cup of hot tea, this might not be the perfect date night choice.
But I could be wrong. After all, I haven’t seen it.