Here’s the deal. I’ve achieved international fame by famously and internationally discussing the irrelevant issues of the day that others are too afraid, or unaware of, to address. But occasionally a topic is so prevalent in the nation’s discourse that I must weigh in.
Marriage is a sacred institution. A sacred institution that can only be entered into by a man and a woman who are dedicated to spending the rest of their lives together. Or a man and a woman who are somewhat attracted to each other and figure, what the heck. Or a man and a woman who got drunk and wandered into the Best Little Wedding Chapel in Vegas. But it is not, not, to be entered into by a man and a man or a woman and a woman.
As my favorite marriage-defending group, the National Organization for Marriage, points out, “Gays and lesbians have a right to live as they choose, they don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us.” Sure, marriage used to be a primarily economic arrangement and we’re now redefining it…but, like we said, homosexuals don’t have the right to redefine marriage, only straight people have that right (wow, it seems like there are a lot of rights that only heterosexuals have…lucky us).
NOM goes on to make another enlightened and excellent point, “Do we want to teach the next generation that one-half of humanity—either mothers or fathers—are dispensable, unimportant? Children are confused enough right now with sexual messages. Let’s not confuse them further.” That’s exactly right. Unfortunately, our children are very stupid and are easily confused. “One child…TWO moms?!? Whaaat?!?” You should see us try and explain divorce to our slow-witted offspring. “One family…two parents…in different places?!? Whaaat?!?” Or when we try to teach them about Twix, “One candy bar…two crispy, crunchy cookies, smooth creamy chocolate, and delicious chewy caramel?!? Whaaat?!?”
And homosexuals simply aren’t committed to the idea of marriage. Sure, they’ve been organizing and fighting for this basic human right for decades. But when we straight people get married…we stick with it nearly half the time! Now that’s commitment.
There are so many foolproof arguments for why homosexuals should not be allowed to be happy. As has been pointed out by many level-headed, thoughtful conservatives, we must honor the historical tradition of marriage as being a covenant between a man and a woman. For those of you who point out that same sex marriages are documented as early as Ancient Rome, I simply reply, “We’re talking, of course, about the history of marriage that doesn’t conflict with our very limited world view, thank you very much.”
And how can you discard the fact that the Bible explicitly states that being gay is a serious no-no? Everyone knows that if it appears in the Bible it must be true. That’s why Numbers 22:28, in which a talking donkey asks his master why he’s hitting him, proved to me that Shrek is non-fiction and Mr. Ed is a prophet.
I, for one, agree with legislators who have stated that gay marriage is “contaminating,” “abominable,” and “if allowed would pollute America.” Never mind the fact that these quotes are actually from great legal minds of the 1960’s. And that they are referring to the radical notion of members of opposite races getting married. People were convinced that allowing the races to intermingle would destroy the institution of marriage. And they were right. It did. It ruined it. And now the gays will double ruin it. And some of these gay people are probably from different races. That will triple ruin marriage!
I don’t know why they ever allowed different ethnicities to marry. Or why Asians are allowed to marry at all. And I’m sure that everyone who is against gay marriage agrees with me. After all, they’re the same arguments we made last time. And they make just as much sense.
Come on, the whole point of getting married is to have children. And, as open-minded, political failure Rick Santorum famously pointed out, a child is better off with a father in prison than they would be growing up with two mommies and no father at all. While I agree with everything Santorum has ever said, I’ll take it a step further…I firmly believe that a child would be better off if they themselves were raised in prison than if they were raised by two lawless gays.
Think about it. Who makes a better parent? A loving same sex couple who chooses parenthood and works hard to make it happen? Or two irresponsible teens who were too embarrassed to buy condoms? Sure, nearly half of all heterosexual pregnancies are unplanned, and zero percent of gay families are unplanned, but so what? If there’s one thing that every child needs more than caring, dedicated parents, it’s to have both types of genitals represented in the household.
And just imagine what would happen if we allowed gay people to get married. As nurturing, unprejudiced pundit Bill O’Reilly and others have pointed out…it’s a slippery slope. If we allow men to marry men and women to marry women, what’s next? O’Reilly and company worry that this will lead to people marrying turtles, dogs, ducks, dolphins and other animals. And what rational human being wouldn’t come to this conclusion? Remember when we decided that African Americans had the right to attend the same school as honkies? And the next thing you know, everybody was demanding that dogs and turtles be allowed to attend those very same schools?
And this interspecies marriage just raises so many more questions. Is it possible to marry a duck and not invite the Aflac mascot to the ceremony? And we all know that Daffy and Donald don’t get along…the seating would be a nightmare. What kind of gifts do you bring to a human/dolphin wedding…flatware or raw fish? And why are Bill O’Reilly and his buddies always thinking about bestiality?
Clearly, marriage is only meant for straight people. And it’s my humble opinion that we should exercise this right as often as possible. While we all know that 0% of gay people should be allowed to marry even once, 27% of married straights are already on their second try. And record holder Linda Wolfe (who has been married 23 times), recently quipped, “It’s been years since I walked down the aisle. I miss it.” Homosexuals are fortunate, that’s a problem they don’t have. After all, you can’t miss what you never had. And it’s yet another reason that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married. They have no experience. They won’t be good at it. You can tell we heteros are accomplished marriers because we do it so often.
And I think future generations will prove me right. If there’s one historic consistency it’s that whenever a powerful majority limits or eliminates the rights of a minority…they’re always correct to do so.
I don’t know why these people chose to be gay in the first place. It is, of course, a choice. Just as being heterosexual is a choice. I’m sure we all remember that time in our lives when we sat down and weighed the pros and cons of both lifestyles. I know I remember when I chose to be straight. I was thirteen and we’d just gone over that lesson in Health Class where the teacher taught us about how to choose our sexuality. If I decided to go gay, I’d have a better fashion sense and could hang up one of those pretty rainbow flags. But if I decided to be straight, I wouldn’t be harassed and hated by bigots everywhere whose own insecurities and ignorance become my pain.
It seemed like a pretty easy decision. So, to the dismay of women everywhere, I chose to be straight. Which means I can someday get married. And then, some later day, get married again. And I can also decide which other people should and shouldn’t be allowed to get married. And I’ve decided that gay people should not be allowed to ruin my sacred institution with their love.
After all, marriage is about sharing a commitment. Marriage is about sharing your life with someone. Marriage is about sharing a mutual respect. And we’ll be damned if we’re going to share it with anyone.