Here’s the deal. Unicorns are not awesome. Not even close. They don’t do anything. All they do is sit there, not existing.

Even assuming you love horses (which I don’t…I am decidedly unexcited about the prospect of a horse. If someone told me they had a barn, and then they told me that there was a horse in the barn, the value of that barn would not change in my mind. That is, the horse would neither enhance nor detract from the barn. In other words, if I were offering to purchase the barn for, say, five hundred dollars. And then the seller were to say, “But wait, the barn comes with a horse.” I would still offer five hundred dollars. Which, by the way, may or may not be the going rate for a barn. I never claimed to be an expert on barn pricing. But that’s really not what this is about. This is about my indifference towards horses. Which are basically like big dogs. But, in their defense, they drool less. And you can ride them. But still)…but, even assuming you love horses, how would a single horn make that horse better?   

Sure, some people claim that a unicorn’s horn is magic. But those same people say that you can’t capture a unicorn, so what’s the difference? Here’s some magic you can never have, whoop-de-doo. Or, in some legends, only a female virgin can capture a unicorn. But is unicorn hunting really their priority? I would assume that the female virgin is likely busy trying to capture a date for Saturday night.

But why does the myth persist? I found a little research site on the web called “Wikipedia,” and it said crazy things like the fact that unicorns are mentioned in the bible, that Aristotle wrote about them, and that historians and scientists generally believed unicorns to be real well into the 19th century. What? Can this be so? Did no one ever wonder why there was never a photograph or, say, any evidence whatsoever of a unicorn having existed?

I believe the fact that unicorns are mythological is now basically accepted by those of us who are not twelve year old girls. But just to be clear, I did a little additional research and checked in with Yahoo! answers…

Guess that clears that up.

So just stop it everybody. Stop buying glittery, pink, plush unicorn dolls, stop putting up ridiculous posters of unicorns prancing in front of rainbows, and stop oohing and aahing at porcelain figurines of silver unicorns bowing their heads near a peaceful, babbling brook. Unicorns are useless. Even if they were real they’d be useless. Yeah, you know the number one thing that I think horses are missing? The ability to stab me. Yep, that would be a real improvement.

Why not a horse with a hand gun? Why not an exploding horse? Why not a horse with three or four horns? How about a septicorn? What about a horse with a magical, invisible hand bag…but you can never see, touch or experience the handbag or the magic contained within.  What about…you know, I wish I could stay and continue to mock unicorns all day, but I’ve got to see a man about a barn.

  1. A horse might not be able to stab you, but they can kill you just as dead by kicking you. Does that raise their coolness factor at least a little?

  2. heathersnyder1 says:

    I wish I had a unicorn. We would compete in Renaissance Festival jousting tournaments all over the world. Horses and jousters would fear my unicorn. We would win every tournament, people would rejoice, there would be banquets in our honor. No, wait…I wish I had a Pegasus/Unicorn…a Pegaunicorn. Then after the jousting tournaments my Pegaunicorn and I would fly away. It would be magical.

    Wait…what??? They don’t exist? This is unfortunate.

  3. speaker7 says:

    I know Voldemort liked unicorns because he drank the blood of one in some movie and it made him even more bald or evil. I might need to ask chatterb if Voldemort is real.

    • heathersnyder1 says:

      I agree with speaker7. Although, only 15% agreed with chatterb’s answer and 7 people rated his ansewer as “good”…leading me to believe that he’s hiding something. He’s either Voldemort or he’s in some sort of secret Unicorn Protective Society Cult thing. The Unicornilluminati. Chatterb is the Mastermind.

      • Makya McBee says:

        Cliche – No. Quite the opposite. I don’t want horses to be able to kill me. I don’t want anything to be able to kill me.

        Heather – A unicorn would take a real beating in a jousting tournament with that silly, little horn.

        Speaker – Voldemort is not real. But unicorn blood is, actually, pretty delicious.

  4. heathersnyder1 says:

    See…they do exist. You’re probably part of that secret unicorn society…oooh, let me write this blog post about how they don’t exist…making people believe they don’t exist. When…in fact…UNICORNS EXIST!
    Pshaw….my unicorn would win at jousting, it’s got a magical horn. Horses fear my unicorn.

  5. I believe Unicorns exist in another realm — dimension. Perhaps, they have left our world, because mankind hunted them to extinction! I don’t blame them for leaving!

    There’s a story about the great flood indicating that the Unicorns missed the boat!


  6. Outlier Babe says:

    Good grief. “…would a single horn make that horse better?” Clearly, you are no lover of donuts, sir.

  7. maryw1212 says:

    I am pretty late in finding this site, but i really like what i see.
    Concerning UNiCORNS i would love, love,love to have one. i would keep it with me at my estate(when i get one) with my lagoon full of dolphins and peacocks and their hens strutting everywhere and dogs running freely
    Like Makya i am loosing my ability to remember things and i tend to go on with rambling thoughts and ideas…….i have to walk my dogs so i’m getting ice cream……

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