Archive for May, 2012

Here’s the deal. Welcome to Part II of my multi-part series, Makya McBee addresses the issue of antiquated proverbs in a multi-part series. Part One has already been called, “A prime example of letters stringed together to form words,” “Better than many things which are worse than it,” and “The first part of a multi-part series.”

And with “praise” like this, I’m sure you’re as eager to read Part II as I am to write it (i.e. not particularly). Nonetheless a multi-part series is nothing without its multi-parts, so let’s do this thing.

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step – Sure, but who walks anywhere nowadays? How about this update, “A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single click on Travelocity.”

Laughter is the best medicine – I wish. It turns out that laughter does have health benefits, but I hardly believe it’s the bestmedicine. We can’t go around making claims like this in our new, lawsuit-happy society. We need a medical disclaimer. “While laughter has been proven to reduce stress, lower blood pressure and boost your immune system it is not a substitute for your current medicinal routine and you should consult your physician before starting a comedic treatment plan.”

English: Many dollar banknotes.

Another good harvest.

Money doesn’t grow on trees – I don’t know who this proverb is for…is there anyone who thinks that money does grow on trees? Or, more importantly, is there even anyone that believes the metaphor – that money is very easy to obtain, as if plucking fruit from a low-lying branch? Everyone not named Kardashian or Romney knows that money is not easy to come by. Most of our lives are dedicated to having this lesson drilled into us again and again. Here’s my new version, “I need some money.”

A picture’s worth a thousand words – As a writer, I’m offended by this ridiculous exchange rate. Sure, it’s often easier to convey information with a picture, but I hardly think they’re still worth a thousand words. Not in this economy. Very simple solution, “A picture’s worth two hundred and twenty five to three hundred and ten words, dependant on fluctuations in the interest rate.”

The pen is mightier than the sword – This is more like it. The power of the written word. I’m on board. Let’s just give it a twenty-first century twist, “The blog is mightier than the taser.”

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones – This is ridiculous. There are so many things that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t do. Throw stones. Run out of Windex. Sleep in the nude. How about we just cut to the chase? “People shouldn’t live in glass houses.”

TO BE CONCLUDED…

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Here’s the deal. Most proverbs are quite old. And it’s a proven, scientific fact that old things are bad. That’s why so many products are updated with “New and Improved” versions, and no products are labeled, “Old and Improved.” For centuries, however, nobody has bothered to modernize the obsolete proverbs that we lob about in every day conversation. Thus, I am overjoyed to address the issue of antiquated proverbs in my multi-part series: Makya McBee addresses the issue of antiquated proverbs in a multi-part series.

All that glitters is not gold – This is a problem common to many proverbs; they point out something so obvious as to be fairly useless. Who the hell thinks that every glittery thing is gold? “Look, an eleven year old girl’s pencil box! I’m rich! Rich I tells ya! There’s glitter in them thar hills!” Simply put, glitter does not equal gold (as evidenced by the Mariah Carey movie). Still for the very most naïve among us, may I suggest the following proverb update – “All email that appears to be from a Nigerian prince is definitely not from a Nigerian prince.”

Curiosity killed the cat – I never cared for this one. I don’t appreciate the notion that curiosity is a bad thing. If I ever have children, I will encourage them to be curious. (Any takers ladies? Come on now, this baby ain’t gonna gestate itself). So this one needs to be reversed, “Don’t worry, kids, the cat’s fine. Go ahead and be curious.”

Don’t judge a book by its cover – How else are we supposed to judge books? That’s exactly what the cover is designed for…so we’ll be able to judge whether or not we’re interested in reading the book. And the truth is, you can tell a lot about a lot of things just by looking at them. So, updated version – “While it’s appropriate to judge an e-book by its limited Amazon preview, you should reserve your final opinion until you see whether or not it’s an Oprah’s Book Club recommendation.”

Trojan horse in Canakkale, Turkey

Yeah…that’s not at all suspicious…

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket – This is decent advice. But it’s clearly outdated. It harkens back to a time when people lived a rural, farming lifestyle. When people had eggs. And baskets. And they put those eggs into those baskets. Sometimes, erroneously, they put all of their eggs into a single basket. Anyway. Let’s rewrite this so that the kids can understand what we’re talking about, “Don’t put all your videos in one youtube account.”

Every cloud has a silver lining – I like to be as optimistic as the next guy, but there’s a limit. I know it’s very self-helpy to say that bad things are good because they’re a learning experience. But it’s just not always the case. Let’s update – “Every cloud computing system has…crap, I don’t know what a cloud computing system is. But listen to this, if you look carefully you can find something good in most bad things. But not all bad things. Let’s be honest, some things are just plain unfortunate.”

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts – This, of course, is based on the story of the Trojan horse, in which a bunch of Greek soldiers used the ancient military tradition of hiding in a big, wooden pony. But between this and “It’s all Greek to me,” I say we’ve given the good people of Greece enough crap. I mean, come on, when was the Trojan War? Fifty, sixty years ago? Enough already. Let’s simplify, “If your sworn enemy offers you a gift big enough to fit a bunch of people in…um, don’t accept it.”

 TO BE CONTINUED…

Here’s the deal. 2006 saw the debut of NBC’s optimistically-titled America’s Got Talent. This was a spinoff of the original version that was created in Britland by professional smirker Simon Cowell. The show now has versions in over forty countries, including: Norway’s Norske Talenter, France’s La France a un Incroyable Talent, and Germany’s Das Supertalent (judge Dieter Bohlen is tops!).

And I managed to go nearly six years without watching a single episode of any of them.

Until this week.

I was frolicking through my vast array of television stations when I saw some people exhibiting unusual behavior on a well-lit stage, in front of an overly-hyped audience. The presence of Nick Cannon, grinning and gesturing enthusiastically from the side of the stage confirmed the fact that I was watching that which I had never watched.

But I decided to give it a chance.

Then, as if immediately mocking my decision to watch for a few minutes, this guy came out and proceeded to allow a bunch of fellows to repeatedly kick and hit him about the testicle area. Where I come from, volunteering to have your groin pulverized isn’t a talent. Being an idiot isn’t an accomplishment. It’s not a special skill (Proficient in Microsoft Office Suite, Exceptional Leadership Abilities, Can Withstand Frequent Kicks to the Crotch). And yet, all three “judges” went crazy for it.

I understand why they put him on TV. After all, to pull off an act like this you really have to have some cajones (or, perhaps, the exact opposite is true). And, as America’s Funniest Home Videos has long proven, people never, ever tire of watching public shots to private parts. (I, on the other hand, have the unique ability to tire of it before it even starts). What I don’t understand is why the judges seemed to genuinely love it.

English: Cropped image of Sharon Osbourne at t...

America’s Got Musicians Who Have Wives Who End up on Reality Shows and Then Get to Judge Ridiculous Talent Competitions.

I mean, how did Sharon Osbourne land this gig? As best I can tell, her talent is being married to someone with talent. And why shock jock Howard Stern (doing his best to be as unshocking as possible) gets to decide which magician, or singer, or family jewels destroyer moves on to the next level is beyond me. And why Mandel and his buddies were so easily impressed is the most flummoxing of all.

Because after the first guy hobbled off, two guys with some dogs took the stage. As soon as she saw the mutts, Sharon Osbourne began to jump up and down with the type of excitement usually reserved for lottery winners. Had she never seen dogs before? The act hadn’t even started and Stern was already grinning like a twelve year old girl at her first Justin Bieber concert and Mandel’s mouth was agape in amazement as if someone had just offered him a job judging a talent show.

The dogs were okay. They jumped around. One of them could do a back flip. It was pretty impressive the first time. Less so the eighth through eleventh. Look, if I wanted to see dogs jumping rope, I’d…I don’t want to see dogs jumping rope.

There were a few other memorable acts that I can’t remember. All in all I lasted about twenty minutes before I had to change the channel (it’s as if the show itself were kicking me in the crotch).

I could go on. I could elaborate on how America’s Got Easily Impressed Celebrity Judges. I could discuss how America’s Got A Lot of People Willing to Stand in Line for a Long Time for Fifteen Seconds of Fame. I could argue that America’s Got One Reality Show Too Many. But it’s almost time for Das Supertalent, I hear they’ve got a guy on tonight who lets a dog back flip karate kick him right in the bratwurst. Ich bin ein idiot.

Here’s the deal. It’s been months since I’ve had a list on my blog and everyone in the world wants me to create a new one. And who am I to deny everyone in the world their wishes?

I’ve already addressed the issue of the worst letter of the alphabet, and I’ve previously listed the best numbers, one through ten, so it’s time for what none are calling the most important issue of our time – listing the best letters of the alphabet. You won’t find the pretentious a here, the overly pointy v is not in the top ten, and if you’re looking for the codependent q and u, keep moving, there’s nothing to see here. But if debating the ABC’s of letter merits every night keeps you from catching your z’s, read on. (Fun Tip of the Day: You can play along at home, just make your own list before reading mine and then see how they compare…granted, I throw the word “fun” around pretty loosely).

The Top Ten Letters of the Alphabet

11. PP has energy. P has pop. And pursing your lips to produce a pup or a peep is positively pleasant.

10. R – Who doesn’t enjoy the way it rolls and rumbles? And, more importantly, without it we could never make cool pirates sounds.

9. LL is a gentle letter. And what would our world be like without this helpful little fellow? Just think of it, lawful people become awful people. Or, rather, awfu people. See, the world wouldn’t even make sense without l. (On top of which, the world would be just a word)

8. H – The softest consonant, h is literally a breath of fresh air. Plus, in word form, it has the best spelling of all the letters – aitch.

Alphabet

Colorful language

7. YY could be rated higher if it were willing to choose between being a vowel or a consonant. Honestly, I’m torn between considering it to be dynamic and wishy-washy.

6. O – Why is this a great letter? Seriously? I have to do all the work? I have to come up with the unique lists. I have to write the blog. I have to explain everything. Not anymore. You’re on your own. You tell me why it’s such a great letter. I’m sorry. That wasn’t meant for you. It’s just been a tough week. Really, it’s not you, it’s me. I hate it when we fight.

5. Z – It’s just fun to make z sounds. Buzz. Razzamatazz. Zizzing down the zazzerton. (What? There aren’t that many z words).

4. E – This vowel is the most commonly used letter in the alphabet, and with great power, comes great Esponsibility. E has the power to make a fad fade. It can make a fin fine. And help a cop cope. And what made mad made? E.

3. X – An exciting, exhilarating, exceptional letter. Whether it’s denoting adult films, labeling jugs of hooch, or marking the spot on a treasure map, x always brings a sense of mystery and the allure of the forbidden.

2. M – Am I biased because my initials are MM? You better believe it. Then again, what sound do we make whenever we’re really enjoying something? Mmmmmmmm.

1. S – You can tell a lot about a letter when it’s put into a position of leadership, and most consonants prefer to be followed by subservient vowels when heading up words. But s plays well with others, blending with more consonants than any other letter to create new and improved sounds. Plus, without this letter we couldn’t have more of anything. S turns cake into cakes, cookie into cookies, and candy bar into candy bars…okay, it might be time to consider another diet. Still, s has a super, serpentine shape and, with its superior sound, it sits supreme.

 Here’s the deal. Any blogger can write a movie review. “Hey, look at me, I saw a movie and I now I have some thoughts about it.” Big whoop. Anyone can go and see a movie and then write a synopsis. But how many people can offer a synopsis of a film before they’ve seen it? Well, always the innovator, I’m about to do just that.

I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you, Makya McBee, write trailers and commercials for movies and thus have access to them before their release date?” Yes. As a member of the Hollywood elite, it is not uncommon for me to view a film many months before it is available to the common masses. But when I do so, I have to sign a confidentiality agreement wherein I am not allowed to discuss the movie with anyone under penalty of being tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, executed by firing squad, and a fifty dollar fine.

What I’m trying to say is – this outline is for a movie that I have not seen. I am recapping a film that I have not watched, nor have I read anything about. I know that it’s set at a water park and, yes, I did see the first one. Other than that, it’s all prognosticating. So glance into my crystal ball and prepare to be amazed… 

The movie starts with a night janitor at a water park (or someone else who won’t be missed)…what’s that in the water…he leans forward…and is chomped to death by a killer piranha…awesome…now it’s the next day, the water park is in full swing with overly attractive, top heavy, bikini babes frolicking down  water slides…everyone is having a great time and nobody suspects that there’s trouble ahead…we meet our heroine, she’s young, attractive, and wise beyond her years…sure, she’s just a lifeguard now, but she dreams of being a big shot marine biologist…unfortunately, she doesn’t have the best taste in guys and she’s dating the cool, male lifeguard who’s an arrogant jerk and he’s cheating on her…you know who she should really be with, that sweet guy that works at the food stand in the water park and admires her from afar…but he’s just too shy to approach her…but that’s not what this movie is really about – it’s about killer piranhas…and they’ve gotten into the water system and are closing in on our unsuspecting bikini babes…as the piranha horde make its way through the pipes, one who has already made it into the park and bites a kid…our heroine recognizes that this is something unusual and she goes to the park owner to warn him that he needs to shut the place down…but, gosh darned it, the boss just won’t listen…this is their busy time of year and he’s all about making money…he callously ignores her pleas and tells her to stop making trouble…the sweet kid that’s secretly in love with her overhears and sees his opportunity…he tells her about his friend the creepy old scientist…that night, two young, reckless park employees go skinny dipping in the dark…guess what…surprise…they’re eaten up by piranhas…the next morning, our heroes pay a visit to the scientist and he knows all about these fish and warns of what will happen if they don’t get those people out of there…they rush back to the water park, but, wouldn’t you know it, it’s too late…the killer piranhas have broken through the complex pipe system and are killing people right and left in surprisingly creative ways…mass panic…people falling into the water…gruesome deaths…lots of breast shots…her bad boyfriend dies in excruciating pain…red water…but a grizzled, tough guy who’s battled deadly marine life before shows up and helps the girl and the guy kill the fish…there are a couple of close calls, but they just escape with their lives and finally share a kiss after the last of the piranhas are dead…or are they…the last shot hints at the fact that there are still some killer fish left and there might just be a budget for one more sequel.

 So, should you see it? Well, if your favorite movie is a tie between Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, I’d buy your tickets right now. If you like tongue in cheek shots of tongues being ripped out through the cheek – get in line. If however, you’re favorite film is Pride and Prejudice, and your ideal evening involves light classical music and a cup of hot tea, this might not be the perfect date night choice.

 But I could be wrong. After all, I haven’t seen it.

Here’s the deal. I’ve achieved international fame by famously and internationally discussing the irrelevant issues of the day that others are too afraid, or unaware of, to address. But occasionally a topic is so prevalent in the nation’s discourse that I must weigh in.

Marriage is a sacred institution. A sacred institution that can only be entered into by a man and a woman who are dedicated to spending the rest of their lives together. Or a man and a woman who are somewhat attracted to each other and figure, what the heck. Or a man and a woman who got drunk and wandered into the Best Little Wedding Chapel in Vegas. But it is not, not, to be entered into by a man and a man or a woman and a woman.

Anillos de Matrimonio, Aros de Matrimonio

The smaller one is for the female…it just wouldn’t work if both people were the same gender.

As my favorite marriage-defending group, the National Organization for Marriage, points out, “Gays and lesbians have a right to live as they choose, they don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us.” Sure, marriage used to be a primarily economic arrangement and we’re now redefining it…but, like we said, homosexuals don’t have the right to redefine marriage, only straight people have that right (wow, it seems like there are a lot of rights that only heterosexuals have…lucky us).

NOM goes on to make another enlightened and excellent point, “Do we want to teach the next generation that one-half of humanity—either mothers or fathers—are dispensable, unimportant? Children are confused enough right now with sexual messages. Let’s not confuse them further.” That’s exactly right. Unfortunately, our children are very stupid and are easily confused. “One child…TWO moms?!? Whaaat?!?” You should see us try and explain divorce to our slow-witted offspring. “One family…two parents…in different places?!? Whaaat?!?” Or when we try to teach them about Twix, “One candy bar…two crispy, crunchy cookies, smooth creamy chocolate, and delicious chewy caramel?!? Whaaat?!?”

And homosexuals simply aren’t committed to the idea of marriage. Sure, they’ve been organizing and fighting for this basic human right for decades. But when we straight people get married…we stick with it nearly half the time! Now that’s commitment.

There are so many foolproof arguments for why homosexuals should not be allowed to be happy. As has been pointed out by many level-headed, thoughtful conservatives, we must honor the historical tradition of marriage as being a covenant between a man and a woman. For those of you who point out that same sex marriages are documented as early as Ancient Rome, I simply reply, “We’re talking, of course, about the history of marriage that doesn’t conflict with our very limited world view, thank you very much.”

And how can you discard the fact that the Bible explicitly states that being gay is a serious no-no? Everyone knows that if it appears in the Bible it must be true. That’s why Numbers 22:28, in which a talking donkey asks his master why he’s hitting him, proved to me that Shrek is non-fiction and Mr. Ed is a prophet.

I, for one, agree with legislators who have stated that gay marriage is “contaminating,” “abominable,” and “if allowed would pollute America.” Never mind the fact that these quotes are actually from great legal minds of the 1960’s. And that they are referring to the radical notion of members of opposite races getting married. People were convinced that allowing the races to intermingle would destroy the institution of marriage. And they were right. It did. It ruined it. And now the gays will double ruin it. And some of these gay people are probably from different races. That will triple ruin marriage!

I don’t know why they ever allowed different ethnicities to marry. Or why Asians are allowed to marry at all. And I’m sure that everyone who is against gay marriage agrees with me. After all, they’re the same arguments we made last time. And they make just as much sense.

, U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania.

Now that’s a handsome man…I gotta tell ya…if gay marriage were legal…

Come on, the whole point of getting married is to have children. And, as open-minded, political failure Rick Santorum famously pointed out, a child is better off with a father in prison than they would be growing up with two mommies and no father at all. While I agree with everything Santorum has ever said, I’ll take it a step further…I firmly believe that a child would be better off if they themselves were raised in prison than if they were raised by two lawless gays.

Think about it. Who makes a better parent? A loving same sex couple who chooses parenthood and works hard to make it happen? Or two irresponsible teens who were too embarrassed to buy condoms? Sure, nearly half of all heterosexual pregnancies are unplanned, and zero percent of gay families are unplanned, but so what? If there’s one thing that every child needs more than caring, dedicated parents, it’s to have both types of genitals represented in the household.

And just imagine what would happen if we allowed gay people to get married. As nurturing, unprejudiced pundit Bill O’Reilly and others have pointed out…it’s a slippery slope. If we allow men to marry men and women to marry women, what’s next? O’Reilly and company worry that this will lead to people marrying turtles, dogs, ducks, dolphins and other animals. And what rational human being wouldn’t come to this conclusion? Remember when we decided that African Americans had the right to attend the same school as honkies? And the next thing you know, everybody was demanding that dogs and turtles be allowed to attend those very same schools?

And this interspecies marriage just raises so many more questions. Is it possible to marry a duck and not invite the Aflac mascot to the ceremony? And we all know that Daffy and Donald don’t get along…the seating would be a nightmare. What kind of gifts do you bring to a human/dolphin wedding…flatware or raw fish? And why are Bill O’Reilly and his buddies always thinking about bestiality?

Bottlenose dolphin of the NMMP on mineclearanc...

She said yes!

Clearly, marriage is only meant for straight people. And it’s my humble opinion that we should exercise this right as often as possible. While we all know that 0% of gay people should be allowed to marry even once, 27% of married straights are already on their second try. And record holder Linda Wolfe (who has been married 23 times), recently quipped, “It’s been years since I walked down the aisle. I miss it.” Homosexuals are fortunate, that’s a problem they don’t have. After all, you can’t miss what you never had. And it’s yet another reason that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married. They have no experience. They won’t be good at it. You can tell we heteros are accomplished marriers because we do it so often.

And I think future generations will prove me right. If there’s one historic consistency it’s that whenever a powerful majority limits or eliminates the rights of a minority…they’re always correct to do so. 

I don’t know why these people chose to be gay in the first place. It is, of course, a choice. Just as being heterosexual is a choice. I’m sure we all remember that time in our lives when we sat down and weighed the pros and cons of both lifestyles. I know I remember when I chose to be straight. I was thirteen and we’d just gone over that lesson in Health Class where the teacher taught us about how to choose our sexuality. If I decided to go gay, I’d have a better fashion sense and could hang up one of those pretty rainbow flags. But if I decided to be straight, I wouldn’t be harassed and hated by bigots everywhere whose own insecurities and ignorance become my pain.

It seemed like a pretty easy decision. So, to the dismay of women everywhere, I chose to be straight. Which means I can someday get married. And then, some later day, get married again. And I can also decide which other people should and shouldn’t be allowed to get married. And I’ve decided that gay people should not be allowed to ruin my sacred institution with their love.

After all, marriage is about sharing a commitment. Marriage is about sharing your life with someone. Marriage is about sharing a mutual respect. And we’ll be damned if we’re going to share it with anyone.

Here’s the deal. I’m no fan of orange. I am, of course, referring to the color, not the fruit. Oranges are delicious. So delicious, that the color tried to jump on the bandwagon. You see, the color is named after the fruit, not, as many assume, the other way around. This lame color was previously called geoluread. Pretty, huh? Then, thief that it is, orange stole its name from one of our favorite fruits. It’s despicable.

And it’s a shame, because orange has good ingredients. Yellow? It’s good. Red? Even better. But put them together and you get the blandest, least interesting color around.

Derived from File:Color_icon_orange.svg, this ...

Every variety of bleh.

I’ve got so many issues with orange. For starters, it occurs in the visible spectrum at a wavelength of about 590-620 nanometers. I have no idea what this means, but it sound pretty pretentious. “Oh, look at me, occurring at 605 nanometers, I’m so cool, I’m so visible at a certain wavelength, check me out, I’m orange.”

And what exactly does orange stand for? Most colors evoke emotions. We all know what it’s like to be tickled pink, to be green with envy or to see red, but have you ever been feeling orange? Of course not. Orange is a cold, hard color. It has no feelings.

And most colors are symbols for universally recognizable ideas. We all know what it to live green. We know what a gray area is. And everyone knows what it means to wave a white flag. What has orange got? Oh yeah, it’s the national color of the Netherlands. Fantastic. What was the land of Nether thinking? Of all the colors in the world…

Orange does have one thing. Those orange construction cones. So orange symbolizes inconvenience and long delays and potential danger. Way to go, orange. Another winner.

If you still don’t believe me, consider this. When a member of our society commits a terrible crime, they are sent away to live in a tiny cell. And then, their final punishment, they are forced to wear orange jump suits. Oh, there’s a reason those outfits aren’t blue or silver. They’re being punished by being forced to wear the worst color from head to toe. Cruel and unusual? You betcha.

I say it’s time we start only eating those funky, purple-colored carrots. I say it’s time we boycott the Netherlands until they reconsider the whole orange thing. I say we should only produce those cool, red, white and blue, Harlem Globetrotter’s basketballs. And we should also start playing that “Sweet Georgia Brown” song more often. It’s unrelated. That’s just a really cool song.