The WordPress “My Stats” Page is the Cat’s Pajamas

Posted: April 3, 2012 in Internet
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. There’s really only one reason to have a blog – to get people to read your blog. Don’t be fooled by those who claim otherwise. If they didn’t secretly harbor wishes of going viral and securing hundreds of thousands of readers, they’d just keep a diary. Starting a blog is really no different than the kid on the monkey bars calling out, “Hey, look at me!” And, despite the fact that it’s pretty tough to get anyone’s attention what with the thousands of virtual monkey bar swingers out there, I’ve always embraced this fact. The reason I started my blog is because I had a literary agent that told me I’d written a book that various editors found hilarious but couldn’t possibly publish because I wasn’t already famous. I’m here for one reason only – to get an audience.

Winterhalter traverses the monkey bars.

"Hey, Look at me!"

Thus, I always enjoy checking out my stats. (Granted, I enjoy checking out my stats more on days when I have a couple hundred views and less on the days when a couple dozen people stop by). To my delight, WordPress has recently enhanced the site stats feature, giving us more details about who is reading our blogs. And the only thing I like more than statistics and graphs are statistics and graphs about me.

My favorite part of the stats page is “Search Engine Terms,” where we get a glimpse at the actual phrases typed into search engines that deliver readers to our blogs. For example, rarely a week goes by when someone is not directed to this post while searching for, “People who take up two parking spaces.” This past week, I had a hit here when someone somewhere searched for, “Full grown hippo teeth.” (Yes, my dream of creating a monopoly on hippo teeth internet traffic is finally coming to fruition). Someone else on the world wide internet computer web found themselves reading this when they queried, “How do I refer to myself in the third person?” (I don’t know, how does Makya McBee refer to himself in the third person?) And, my favorite search of the week led some unsuspecting surfer to my most recent post when they searched for, “Batman McBee.” (Holy unknown relative! Am I related to a superhero? Could my rich Uncle Bobo, who lives up in Gotham City, actually be Batman McBee?!?)

And, with each entry, new and strange word combinations will lead people to my blog. Right now there’s some woman who is concerned about how wrinkled her pet’s outfits are and will end up reading this post when she Googles, “My word, it’s time to press my cat’s pajamas.”

But I like the other details as well. Like when WordPress lets me know how many people from each country are looking at my blog. The United States is always first on the list, but for reasons I can’t fully comprehend, this past week the second most readers came from Turkey. I’ve never been to Turkey. I don’t know anybody in Turkey. But (insert your own “Turkey” pun here. May I suggest something with “cold turkey,” or a line about how it’s time to “talk turkey”).

Basting...

Also last week, I had one single visitor from Saudi Arabia. If you’re back this week, I just wanted to send a personalized greeting to this individual. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends about this blog. I love you guys, but Turkey is making you look bad.

WordPress also provides bloggers with the “Most Popular Topics.” My top four this past week: humor, facebook, behavior, and Flavor Flav. I had no idea my “Flavor Flav” tags (yes, I’ve mentioned him twice, here and here, were producing so much traffic). I’m currently thinking about renaming my blog, “Flavor Flav Approves (now in Saudi Arabia!)”

Anyway, I guess my point is that these stats are pretty cool. Imagine if the rest of our lives were this well-documented. If we could get home from work and check out the day’s stats…

Today, six coworkers talked about you behind your back. These were their top five topics of gossip…

Congratulations, nineteen people on the subway checked out your butt today. Here are their countries of origin…   

Today, one person was watching over you…

In your darkest hour…

When you need a savior…

He is there…

His name…

Batman McBee.

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Comments
  1. dubiousme says:

    I’m not a big fan of stats, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s because mine suck.

  2. speaker7 says:

    People mainly get to me by searching “Donald Trump Steaks” or “adult baby syndrome.”

    On an unrelated note, who do I have to tell you’re famous so your book will be published? I have an in with Donald Trump Steaks.

  3. heathersnyder1 says:

    You’re moving up in the world…Eric Lightning as a kid and now…Batman McBee! Blammm!!!

  4. JP Feed says:

    I got one single Turk who visited my blog. Which probably makes sense. As for second most readers mine are from Canada which also makes sense because they are our lovable neighbors to the north. Plus they speak English not Arabic

    • Makya McBee says:

      Dubious – Have you tried blogging about how much you love people from Turkey?

      Speaker – The strange thing about fame is that I sorta need more than one person to think I’m famous.

      Heather – I’m not Batman McBee. It might be my uncle. I don’t have time to fight crime, I’m too busy not working.

      JP – Turkey was just the flavor of the week. Hasn’t happened before or since. And I believe they speak Canadianese.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        @Makya, that’s what you would say if you were Batman McBee to throw people off track. You probably have the Batcave under your apartment, saying things like, “To the Bat Cave! There’s not a moment to lose!”. You ride around the streets in your Batmobile solving crime and picking up lattes from Starbucks. You resort to wandering around all day having to wear your Batman suit out in public because your “regular suit is in the cleaners”…don’t worry, your secret is safe with me (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more).

      • Makya McBee says:

        No. If I were Batman, I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t because everyone knows that that’s what I’d say. Clearly, therefore, I am not Batman.

  5. Lokyra Stone says:

    So what you’re saying is, I need to begin frequently mentioned Flava Flav, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Batman.

    And I’m with Heather. That’s exactly what you would say if you were Batman McBee.

  6. heathersnyder1 says:

    See…everyone knows you are Batman McBee or shall I call you by your real name…Makya BruceWayne McBee?

  7. heathersnyder1 says:

    @Makya –

    “No. If I were Batman, I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t because everyone knows that that’s what I’d say. Clearly, therefore, I am not Batman.”

    Dude…that’s totally what Batman-pretending not to be Makya McBee-pretending not to be Batman McBee would say.

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