Archive for April, 2012

Here’s the deal. I give up. Karma is a no go. I’ve had a number of career and other opportunities this past month and not a one has come to fruition. I’ve had much more disappointment in my life since I started trying to be positive. And yesterday was the last straw…another Bed, Bath & Beyond catalog arrived in the mail.

Back when this blog was just a toddler, I twice versused the folks at Bed, Bath & Beyond (here and here) because of their useless products. And yet they continue to taunt me with their high-production value, full-color catalogs. If that’s how you want it, triple B, I’m game. If the world wants me to revert to complaining about what’s wrong with it…who am I to say no?

It’s versus time.

Let’s start with this lovely product – the Kan Jam.

They call it “the ultimate disk game.” I call it some guy throwing his Frisbee away. Seriously, this is forty bucks for a cheap, plastic trash can. This isn’t a game, it’s taking out the garbage. I wonder if they make specialized trash cans where I can discard the other items I buy at their store.

Next, let’s take a look at this gem, it’s Fridge Binz!

These plastic trays are designed to “maximize refrigerator space.” Yes, just imagine trying to store those six yogurt containers without the bin…it would take up the exact same amount of space…minus, of course, the space taken up by the bin itself. Explain again how something that takes up additional space is going to save you space? Just look at the picture. This product is truly and absolutely serving no purpose whatsoever. Buy Fridge Binz! – It will…sit there.

And, for just $8.99, you can head on down to Bed and the other two and pick yourself up a nice, new “fingertip towel.” If you’re like me, every time you finish drying your hands you’re overcome with frustration at how you simply can’t get your fingertips dry. Sure my palms are arid as a desert, but my fingertips are dripping wet! The new fingertip towel, it’s like a hand towel, only smaller, and much more useless.

Oh, no, not this, it’s a hanging flip flop organizer.

Who has this many pairs of flip flops? Who?!? Nobody. NOBODY needs a different pair of flip flops for each day of the week. Even if there were a flip flop ambassador, he could get away with, say, three pairs. Imelda Marcos owned nearly three thousand pairs of shoes and she didn’t have this many flip flops. If you have so many pairs of flip flops that they need to be organized…then you are fictional. Nobody likes flip flops this much. It’s not human. I believe the invention of the hanging flip flop organizer is the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Look, if you want to make bed products. Pillows and sheets and what not. Go ahead. If you want to make bath products. Soap and shower curtains and the like. Fine. But enough’s enough with the Beyond. This stuff is beyond useless. It’s beyond ridiculous. Please rename your store Bed, Bath & That’s It.

I’m back, baby.

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Here’s the deal. My typical sleep schedule looks something like this – go to bed at 5:30 am, wake up at 11:45, back for a late afternoon nap from 3:20 to 4:10, awake and productive for the early evening, a quick forty winks at 10:30 pm then back up at 12:40 in the morning where I power through until I get sleepy again. In other words, I don’t have a typical sleep schedule. What can I say? Some of need a little  beauty sleep…some of us need a lot.

Many might think that this constant napping makes me a lazy man. They would be wrong. It’s not the napping that makes me lazy, it’s just my nature. The napping, in fact, is a benefit of my apathy.

According to the National Sleep Foundation (the only place where workers are rewarded for sleeping on the job) the power napper may have many advantages over the more conventional stay-awake-all-day individual.

Koala sleeping on a tree top

Now that's a professional napper.

A brief, afternoon sleep can enhance alertness, increase productivity, improve your memory and boost creativity. I know that every time I wake up from a nap, my creative juices are flowing and I’m always coming up with new and interesting places to take my next nap.

Even better, a recent study found that those who nap at least three times per week have a 37% lower risk of heart-related death. And, double bonus, there’s a good chance that if they do suffer a heart-related death that they’ll just sleep through it.

And all of these are benefits of what sleep experts call the “power nap.” A power nap is 18-25 minutes in duration and ends before the snoozer enters slow-wave sleep. But if you want to see a truly powerful napper, you should check out my style. Sure, a 25 minute nap is fine if you’re a kindergartener, but I’m a full grown man…and I nap like it. If twenty minutes asleep in the afternoon can lower your risk of heart ailments by 37%, my 90 minute super nap will eliminate the possibility entirely. And if those brief dozers think they’re memory, alertness and productivity are increased, they should check out what I can accomplish after my vigorous, dynamic, ultra nap – which can last up to four hours.

That’s right. I’m never more productive than when I’m asleep. Just imagine what I could accomplish if I never got up at all…

So I humbly suggest that all of you try to incorporate a nap or two (or fourteen) into your daily schedule. Invite your friends over and have a nap party. A siesta fiesta, if you will. Take a nap with your kids. Snuggle up with the family pet for a quick catnap. Grab your iphone and open up your nap app. However, whenever, wherever, treat yourself to a nap. And if you’re simply too busy for napping….I wouldn’t worry about it…I mean, it’s nothing to lose sleep over.

Here’s the deal. My best friend and I have a reoccurring argument. It goes something like this. He says, “This is a terrible year for movies. They just don’t make ‘em like they used to. What’s wrong with the world? I hate everything!” To which I reply, “I thought this was a pretty good year for movies. I enjoyed a number of films that were released in the past twelve months. And I’m much too level-headed, reasonable and optimistic to think otherwise.”

We do this every year. Granted, he tends to exaggerate how bad things are and I am right. But this year, I think I am particularly right.

We’ve already had the surprisingly funny 21 Jump Street, the enticing Cabin in the Woods, and the under-appreciated Friends with Kids.

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But the best is yet to come. Two of my favorite film makers, Wes Anderson and Christopher Nolan both have movies coming out in the next few months, and I can’t decide which I’m more anticipating – The Dark Knight Rises or Moonrise Kingdom. All I know is put the word “rise” in your title, and I’m in the seat, baby.

And there are many more films I’m looking forward to in 2012.

Dark Shadows – I’ve never seen the television show, but this looks like it just might be the movie that allows me to like Tim Burton to the degree to which I would like to like him.

The Dictator – I’m very much hoping that Sacha Baron Cohen can be as entertaining when he’s working with a screenplay as he is improvising.

To Rome with Love – I’ve always been a fan of Woody Allen and if last year’s outing was any indication, he’s returning again to his more comedic roots. Count me in.

The Campaign – Don’t know much about this one. But I have a theory that Zach Galifianakis has the rare ability to make almost anything funny (even his own last name).

Prometheus – Secrecy. Good ad campaign. Hype. History. Promising.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – Steve Carell inserts humanity into his comedy like nobody’s business. He and I both know that you can’t misspell “comedy” without “drama.”

Looper – I’ve always loved good science fiction. Unfortunately, it’s pretty difficult to make good science fiction. This one looks like it could do the trick.

Toss in Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, The Hobbit, Ted, This is Forty, the new Spiderman and some others that I’m probably forgetting and 2012 has a tremendous amount of movie potential. My friend might still want to go back to the nineties, but I’m living in the present. And, if the Mayans were right about 2012, maybe we just saved the best for last.

Here’s the deal. 4,398 hours ago I addressed blog comment spam with this post. Critics loved it, lovers were critical of it, and some may have said, “The internet will never be the same.” Well, I guess they were wrong, because I’m back to talk about blog comment spam once more, and make the internet the same again.

I don’t know how these spam comments are created, but they manage to mangle the English language in a unique and wonderful way. I imagine some ESL evil scientist assembling blog compliments by entering random verbs and nouns into his Almost Grammatically Correct Spam Maker 2000 Super Computer in an attempt to take over the World Wide Web. Well, I say kudos to you and your fellow blog comment spammers, you have created a new literary genre and you deserve some recognition.

Drawing of a testing machine for analyzing str...

The Almost Grammatically Correct Spam Maker 2000 Super Computer

And this past week, in response to my “Baby Hippo Teeth Are Awesome” post, I received my favorite blog comment spam yet…

“A formidable share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing somewhat analysis on this. And he in fact purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him..smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love reading more on this topic. If potential, as you become experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with more particulars? It’s extremely helpful for me. Huge thumb up for this weblog submit!”

Let’s break it down…

“A formidable share.” This is a little oxymoronic, isn’t it? I wonder how many parents teach their children to share formidably. “Son, I want you to go out there and share. And I want those you share with to know full well that it was you who just shared with them…and to fear your name.”

“I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing somewhat analysis on this.” I was surprised to find that anyone other than me was analyzing baby hippo teeth. Then again, this person was only somewhat analyzing the subject. Somewhat analyzing is perfect for those with ADD and those who simply don’t care. “Are you analyzing those results?” “Eh, somewhat.”

“He in fact purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him..smile.” Check it out, a new punctuation mark – the double period. When your pause is more than one found at the end of a sentence, but less than one indicated by ellipsis. And who needs emoticons when you’ve got the actual word?

“Thnx for the deal with!” Not a problem. You’re very welcome…for the deal with. I’m glad you enjoyed the deal with. I’ll do my best to continue to provide my readers with the deal with in the future.

“If potential, as you become experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with more particulars?” I do not yet have a response to this question. I’ve hired a team of world-renowned linguists who are working around the clock to decode just what I’m being asked.

“Huge thumb up for this weblog submit!” It’s always nice to be appreciated…and I hope your thumb gets better.

Here’s the deal. In honor of one of my favorite authors, Douglas Adams, I am proud to present the fourth in my three part series “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” Part Four – Financial Advice.

Sure, some people turn to money gurus on TV to tell them how to work their way out of debt. But what do these people know? They’re all rich. Who knows more about the topic than a man who has spent his entire adult life in debt? I graduated from college in 1996, and I still haven’t put a dent in my college loans…and that makes me a financial expert.

Here’s my first piece of advice – get some money. There are many ways to get cash. Work. Find a pile of money. Okay, there are two ways to get cash. Regardless, you should get some.

Mug shot of Charles Ponzi (March 3, 1882 – Jan...

Charles Ponzi's mug shot

Moving on.

Now you should invest that dough. I know what you’re thinking, “Should I invest in stocks? Bonds? Mutual Funds? Real Estate?” The answer is yes. Why not? They all sound pretty professional.

A note on real estate – make sure it’s real estate. I made the mistake of purchasing some abandoned lots in Narnia and investing in some Neverland property and I can tell you that fake estate investments do not pay off. The land I bought is Pixie Hollow adjacent, and I still can’t unload it.

But you probably want specifics. Many hot shot Wall Street types will try and predict future trends and invest in the next big thing. I’m here to tell you to play it safe. Invest in those things that people will always need – staples. Think about it. People will always have piles of paper. And there will always be only one way for them to keep these piles from blowing away. Wait a second…paper clips! They’re just like staples, but it’s easier to detach the papers. Yes, definitely invest in paper clips.

Another hint – if you find yourself looking for a financial advisor, avoid people with punny names. I mean, is it really any surprise that a guy named Bernie Madoff made off with his investors money? It’s like investing with Frank Moneygoaway or Suzy Loseitall. And what about those people who invested with Charles Ponzi in the 20’s? His name is Ponzi. And you’re not expecting a Ponzi Scheme? Common sense, people.

I guess that’s it. Make some money. Buy low, sell high. Paper clips. It’s really not that difficult. Sorry to rush out of here, but I’ve got an appointment to talk to a guy about buying a summer home overlooking Mermaid’s Lagoon…

Here’s the deal. The time has come for the third in my three part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” It’s been quite a journey. And it’s been wildly rewarding to discover how many topics there are that I know so very little about.

One such topic is getting a job. I do not have a job. I do not know how to get a job. I’m not entirely sure what a job is.

That being said, I’m going to dive right in and divulge my secrets to getting your dream job.

Deutsch: Die Blue Man Group im Foyer des Theat...

They must get all the good jobs.

(1)   Dress for success. I have made a lot of mistakes in this area. Here’s what I’ve learned. (a) No matter how cute your mom says you look in a poncho, most prospective employers will not agree. (b) While wearing a sophisticated wrist watch is classy, somehow wearing eight sophisticated wrist watches just comes off as crazy. (c) Always wear shoes…socks are great, but they’re just not enough. (d) Studies indicate that blue is the best interview color, but those same studies failed to inform me that blue hair dye is frowned upon. (e) A suit of armor conveys strength but often rouses the suspicion of security. (f) Apparently a kimono is a kino-no…save it for casual Friday. (g) And I can’t stress this last one enough – while the process may take longer than expected, edible undies are not an acceptable mid-interview snack.

(2)   Do other things to help you get a job. For example, create the perfect resume. Again, learn from my mistakes. An increased font size is not a substitute for experience, that 64 Times New Roman stands out in a bad way. And, while saving paper is important, never print your resume on the back of your latest restraining order.

(3)   Utilize online resources. Long gone are the days of hoofing it from business to business. Now you can simply type your job specifics into your local, friendly job search engine and let them do all the work for you.

I, for example, have begun to accept that I may never land my ideal job. So I went on to monster.com to see how many less desirable positions might be available…

Frankly, I’m shocked. That’s a nationwide search of lousy and tedious jobs. I have an inkling these results might be on the low side.

Next, I decided to search for the type of jobs I’d excel at. I considered my plethora of life experiences and searched for an employment opportunity that would best match my skill set…

I guess there’s hope after all. And, while I pride myself on keeping this blog PG-13, the thirteen year-old in me couldn’t resist…

What? I’m considering becoming a glassblower. At this point, I’m willing to consider almost anything. And big bonus if I can wear my poncho.

Here’s the deal. It’s finally time for my long-anticipated second in my number-to-be-determined part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” Part 2 – Contests.

As you’re likely already aware, there are thousands of online contests and hundreds of sites dedicated to listing these contests. But who has the time to look through all these lists of contests? (Rhetorical – no need to send me the names of people in your life who have the time to go through contest lists…but who would have the time to write down all those names?) So we (i.e. me) here at Makya McBee Approves have simplified things for you. There’s really only one contest worth entering…

I took this picture. Grilled cheese sandwich w...

The Grilled Cheese Academy’s Grilled Cheese Sandwich Recipe Contest.

Who hasn’t dreamt of gracing the storied halls of the Grilled Cheese Academy? (Probably the same people who have the time to check out all those contests). Since the seventeenth century Camembert Renaissance, young dairy aficionados have strove, striven and strived to become an honorary member of the Academy, matching wits with other Edam experts and studying the sacred Havarti Texts.

As those ancient, heavy, oaken doors swing open and your eyes fall on the famous Academy plaque, “Brie all that you can Brie,” you’ll know that you’ve arrived. Quite simply, there is no better institution of higher learning and cheese appreciation in the world. (Partly due to the fact that there is no other institution of higher learning and cheese appreciation in the world).

And now, you too can be a part of the magic by submitting your very own grilled cheese recipe. (Spoiler alert: my recipe involves two slices of bread, a generous dab of butter, some cheese, and a hot skillet). So, if you’d like to win a trip to New York, some cheese and some cheddar ($500) – here’s the link. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a whey.