Need a New Lease on Life? Try a New Lease.

Posted: March 19, 2012 in Behavior
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. I’ve never been a home owner. Mostly because I’ve never been a money owner. And, try as I might, no one seems willing to trade their house for my lively jig. So, instead of purchasing a building to live in, I’ve worked out a slightly different arrangement. I pay people to let me stay in their building and then, after giving them thousands of dollars for these squatting rights, I move on with nothing to show for it.

Not too shabby, huh?

It’s called “renting.” And what it lacks in the pride and security of home ownership, it more than makes up for with the smaller living area and unique opportunity to share two washing machines with forty complete strangers.

But there is one other advantage to renting – the limitless potential of an empty apartment. I love looking at new apartments. Any time someone in my complex moves out, I’ll go check out the bare living space before new tenants move in. I’ll envision how my life might be different if I lived there. Where I’d put the book shelf. How I’d arrange the bedroom. Where my friends would sit when they came to visit. Yes, this time I’d have friends. This time I’d be popular. They’ll call me Mr. New Apartment – King of the Cool.

I imagine a whole new life for myself. Surely everything would change. A new apartment means a new future. And I play it all out in my head. (Spoiler alert: my new life is always better.)

The only thing cooler than exploring a new apartment would be exploring a new apartment in England (in Great Britain)(in the United Kingdom), because then I could call it a flat. The British have cooler names for everything. If I lived in a flat, I could take the lift up and run like crazy to the loo because I’d eaten too many chips. (Chips are French fries over there. Can you imagine?)

And then I’d go on holiday.


Then again, there’s a downside. Across the pond, if you’ve got “shag carpet” I think it means you have an unnatural relationship with your floor covering. And they also talk funny.

But that’s not the point. The point is, I love walking through clean, new apartments and envisioning my life there. I pretend as though I’d feng shui the heck out of the place. I act like I’d have cool art up on the walls. I imagine myself sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping hot toddies, and listening to the Red Skelton Show on my old timey radio. (Okay, I’ve never done that last one. I don’t even know what a hot toddy is.)

So, should you find yourself in a rut or in need of inspiration, what do I recommend? EAT. (Empty Apartment Therapy). Just pretend like you’re in the market and go check out a few. Think of how your life might change with a fresh view, a different color scheme, a brand new layout. Then, afterwards, we’ll get together for fish and chips, hot toddies and, time permitting, a lively jig. King of the Cool indeed.

  1. I’ve never done it, but I can understand the temptation and the gratification! I almost imagined what it would be to live in that apartment in the photo!

  2. speaker7 says:

    I would imagine Craig’s List has to have some section where people are willing to trade homes for lively jigs. Have you looked there?

  3. This really is fate telling us we’re meant to be married and have homes either side of the Atlantic! I live in a flat and I have a lift AND a loo! I don’t eat chips of either variety though (American or English) because I don’t want a McArse. Oh, and I have a distinctly platonic relationship with my floor covering.

    Hot toddies are a common cold remedy given to small children, at least that’s what my dad used to claim.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Yours – Yes, if you’re too busy (or, like me, lazy) you can simply check out floor plans and photos on the “internet.” It’s not as good as walking through the actual apartment but it is much, much better than most frozen pizzas.

      Speaker – I have not. Although your words are usually wise beyond your years…I’d be willing to bet on this one. I don’t think anyone anywhere (even Craig’s List) would make such a trade (especially if they’ve seen my jigs…you know that phrase, “The jig is up”? They coined it for me).

      PFPT – Nice acronym. Kind of like a disgruntled snort. A flat/lift/loo combo pack? I’m on my way.

  4. How lively is the jig? I might consider.

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