Here’s the deal. The average life span of a drone ant is three weeks. A housefly will live for about a month. The Labord Chameleon walks the Earth for four to five months. And the average blog is lucky to survive that long. Studies show that 60-80% of blogs are abandoned within one month of their first post. Well, I’m happy to say that we’ve beat the odds and today is Makya McBee Vs.’s first birthday.
That’s right, one entire year of versusing the things that matter least. And I’m not surprised that many people don’t make it more than a few weeks. Do you think it’s easy to create quality content day after day? Or, say, the type of content that I produce? It’s hard too.
And I’ll be honest, I’ve been running out of steam lately. Take a look at my last few posts. Versus dinosaurs? Who am I kidding? I’ve got nothing against dinosaurs. And versus celebrities as reality TV judges? That’s ridiculous. I’ve dedicated the last twelve year of my life to trying to put myself into a position where celebrities might judge me. It’s my dream to be judged by the famous (or to be the one doing the judging). And versus sporks? Actually, that one is solid. I can’t stand those funky little freaks.
But I’m facing burnout. I started this blog with the noblest of intentions – to make myself famous. My very first post, I took on Patton Oswalt. At the time, he had 840,000 Google search results and I had 560. Now here we are, one year later, and typing “Makya McBee” into Google will now produce over 4,000 search results. The good news, I’ve increased my internet celebrity by nearly 800%. The bad news, at this rate, I’ll catch up with Patton in 43 years. (I’m not positive about the math there, but the point is I’m still way behind).
The tough truth is that the past year has not been successful for me in any way. Not a single one of my award-pending screenplays have sold, and I’ve had less copywriting work in the past nine months than I had in any given month in 2010. I’m close to broke and whatever I’ve been doing ain’t working.
It’s time for a change.
And blogs that rant against the inequities of the world are a dime a dozen. I’ve decided that if I want positive results, it may be time to start at home. That’s right. You guessed it. No more versus.
It’s time to turn over a new leaf. For months now, I’ve been turning over the same old leaves to no avail. Every time I turn one over I merely find the other side of the leaf. Now, some have suggested that I abandon the leaf-turning strategy in general, but let’s not be hasty. After all, these are going to be new leaves. Who knows what I’ll find on the other side.
So, I’m going to slap a new title on this baby and start doing the exact opposite. Instead of posts about the things that bug me, it’s time for posts about the things I like in the world. Yep, no more Mr. Not Nice Guy. It’s time to embrace the notion of karma. Think good thoughts. Accentuate the positive. And, if I understand how karma works, I send positive vibes out into the world and, in return, I get everything I want and become famous.
So, I’ve got a three year plan. First year, write about what irks me. Check. Second year, write about the stuff I like. About to get started. And, third year, write about things I’m indifferent about. (Sample post – “Rice….meh”).
What will I do after the third year? By then, the monkeys will have likely taken over and each and every one of my blog entries will be dedicated to praising our ape overlords.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions. Luckily, it’s time for the Q and A portion of today’s landmark announcement.
Q and A
Q: Have you considered revisiting all of last year’s topics, only this time writing about why you like them?
A: Strange you should ask, I entertained that very notion. It would be kind of cool to show the yin and yang of everything. And, while the symmetry appeals to me, the work involved does not. Besides, what positive things could I possibly have to say about flip-flops and states with boring shapes?
Q: Will you still start each post with your trademark, “Here’s the deal”?
A: You better believe it baby, it’s a classic.
Q: What is the capital of Nebraska?
Q: Are there any versus topics you weren’t able to get to?
A: Funny you should ask. I kept a notebook of ideas this past year and there were a handful of subjects that escaped my wrath –
- Garrison Keillor’s singing voice (I was going to call his an “almost singing voice”, but when I tried to find some samples, it just didn’t sound as mediocre as I’d recalled it).
- “Hello” (I was prepared to make the argument that if we’d kept Edison’s original telephone greeting, “Ahoy,” the world would be a better place. But that turned out to be a one-joke pony).
- The determination of Scientologists (I spoke to one scientologist at a booth back in 2002 and they’re still sending me pamphlets in the mail).
- Exclamation points (I may still have to deal with this issue at some point in the future – my least favorite punctuation mark).
- Cheezburger talk (You know, that site with the cats and the most ridiculous baby talk ever? I’m so annoyed by that site that I couldn’t dignify it with a post).
- Ridiculous mailboxes (I don’t even know what this means).
- Retelling puns (The main value of a pun lies in the speed with which the punster is able to create it…retelling a pun as a joke almost never works).
- Alarmists! (I pride myself on almost always ranting against the mundane, this one started to border on serious – not on my watch).
- “It’s not even funny” (I find this phrase annoying, especially as people use it to refer to things that were never intended to be funny. “I am in so much pain, it’s not even funny.” Of course it’s not funny – no one ever thought it was).
- Mathematical symbols (This one almost made it. My problem is how we teach kids to divide using that little symbol that looks like a square root…then, a few years later we change it to the division sign…then a few years later we change it again to fractions. Same thing with multiplication, which goes from an “x” to a dot to the two multiples merely being adjacent to each other. What is this, the evolution of math? Why do we bother to teach kids to write 5 x 6, when higher math will never use this symbol?)
Okay, I know that’s a lot to process. Change is never easy. Just remember, Mommy and Daddy still love you and it’s not your fault. Maybe this blog will look a tiny bit different the next time you see it, but blogs come in all shapes and sizes. And each one is special in its own way.
That’s not true.
There’s a reason 60-80% of them are abandoned within a month. They’re kind of crappy. But we here at Makya McBee Vs. (new title still undecided) are dedicated to limiting our crappiness. Whatever form our writing takes, we constantly strive to make it as least crappy as possible. And it’s in that spirit that we move forward with this change. Because being stuck in a rut can only promote crapitude. And I’ve had enough crap lately. It’s time to turn that crap upside-down.
See you on the other side…