Here’s the deal. There is such a thing as too much convenience.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never understood the need for a full formal dinner setting. Salad fork, dinner fork, butter knife, dinner knife, teaspoon, soup spoon, cake fork and dessert spoon? Certainly some of those utensils can do double duty. But I also don’t think it’s too much to ask that our knife, our fork, and our spoon be separate entities.
There was a time when this was the case. We were all very civilized, eating our meals with either spoon or fork, as the state of matter of said meal dictated. Then, sometime in the early seventies, someone invented the spork. What’s that? The spork’s been around since the 1870’s? Yeah, that’s what I meant when I said seventies. Look, I’m sick and tired of everyone assuming the “nineteen.” Okay, sure, I had no idea that the spork was invented a hundred and forty years ago…but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.
I mean, what’s the point?
“Sure, I enjoy my morning cereal, but if only there was a way I could potentially stab myself in the tongue while I ate it…”
“You know what the problem with this fork is? It picks up food too well. What if we drastically shortened the tines so that the food would constantly fall off? That could be fun.”
And, of course, the madness doesn’t stop there. In Finland they have a fork/spoon combo they call the lusikkahaarukka. I don’t really have anything to add here, I just thought it would be fun to type the word lusikkahaarukka. But what about the spife? Or the knork? (Yes, they’re real things too). The spife is a spoon with a handle that’s a knife. You heard me. You hold the blade to use the spoon.
“Sure, I enjoy my morning cereal, but if only there was a way I could flavor it with drops of my own blood…”
Then, of course, there is the dreaded sporf. Did Mary Shelley teach us nothing? Why must we keep trying to play God and create such abominations? A spoon, fork and knife all in one? It sickens me.
Simply because items are used at the same time is not a good enough reason to try and combine them. I learned that lesson when I tried to patent my plup. It was a combination plate and cup, with the cup built right into the plate. It looked great, but failed in the testing phase as every time the diner tried to take a drink, they would end up dumping their remaining meal in their lap.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I rid the world of this ancient hybrid curse? Honestly, I don’t understand why more people don’t see the threat. Just look at a spork…its soft inviting curves say, “Hey, you don’t have time for a fork and a spoon, put me in your mouth, friend.” But it’s a trap. Those curves lead to a pitch fork tip that screams, “Death to America!” And if sporks were really just a normal part of our culture then why is there a red, squiggly line under the word each time I write it? (No, you won’t see that line. WordPress is famously in the back pocket of the spork conglomerates. But, here in Microsoft Word, I am warned with this splash of red – something is amiss here. Something is wrong. We’ve been sporked). Listen people, heed my warning, there’s a reason we don’t say, “They go together like a spoon and a fork.” Because spoons and forks don’t go together! It’s unnatural! It’s Adam and Eve, not Spoon and Fork! And don’t get me started on those ridiculous spork taxes! And what about the hard-working American spoon and fork makers whose jobs are being outsourced to Hell, where the Devil’s minions infuse each spork with the burning sulfur of a thousand sinners…
Okay, clearly this one has gotten away from me.
I don’t care for them.