Vs. The Spork

Posted: March 1, 2012 in Food
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. There is such a thing as too much convenience.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never understood the need for a full formal dinner setting. Salad fork, dinner fork, butter knife, dinner knife, teaspoon, soup spoon, cake fork and dessert spoon? Certainly some of those utensils can do double duty. But I also don’t think it’s too much to ask that our knife, our fork, and our spoon be separate entities.

English: Four versions of the en:Spork en:Stai...

Image via Wikipedia

There was a time when this was the case. We were all very civilized, eating our meals with either spoon or fork, as the state of matter of said meal dictated. Then, sometime in the early seventies, someone invented the spork. What’s that? The spork’s been around since the 1870’s? Yeah, that’s what I meant when I said seventies. Look, I’m sick and tired of everyone assuming the “nineteen.” Okay, sure, I had no idea that the spork was invented a hundred and forty years ago…but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

I mean, what’s the point?

“Sure, I enjoy my morning cereal, but if only there was a way I could potentially stab myself in the tongue while I ate it…”

“You know what the problem with this fork is? It picks up food too well. What if we drastically shortened the tines so that the food would constantly fall off? That could be fun.”

And, of course, the madness doesn’t stop there. In Finland they have a fork/spoon combo they call the lusikkahaarukka. I don’t really have anything to add here, I just thought it would be fun to type the word lusikkahaarukka. But what about the spife? Or the knork? (Yes, they’re real things too). The spife is a spoon with a handle that’s a knife. You heard me. You hold the blade to use the spoon.

“Sure, I enjoy my morning cereal, but if only there was a way I could flavor it with drops of my own blood…”

Then, of course, there is the dreaded sporf. Did Mary Shelley teach us nothing? Why must we keep trying to play God and create such abominations? A spoon, fork and knife all in one? It sickens me.

English: Plastic spork

The sporf...eating utensil or abstract art?

Simply because items are used at the same time is not a good enough reason to try and combine them. I learned that lesson when I tried to patent my plup. It was a combination plate and cup, with the cup built right into the plate. It looked great, but failed in the testing phase as every time the diner tried to take a drink, they would end up dumping their remaining meal in their lap.

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I rid the world of this ancient hybrid curse? Honestly, I don’t understand why more people don’t see the threat. Just look at a spork…its soft inviting curves say, “Hey, you don’t have time for a fork and a spoon, put me in your mouth, friend.” But it’s a trap. Those curves lead to a pitch fork tip that screams, “Death to America!” And if sporks were really just a normal part of our culture then why is there a red, squiggly line under the word each time I write it? (No, you won’t see that line. WordPress is famously in the back pocket of the spork conglomerates. But, here in Microsoft Word, I am warned with this splash of red – something is amiss here. Something is wrong. We’ve been sporked). Listen people, heed my warning, there’s a reason we don’t say, “They go together like a spoon and a fork.” Because spoons and forks don’t go together! It’s unnatural! It’s Adam and Eve, not Spoon and Fork! And don’t get me started on those ridiculous spork taxes! And what about the hard-working American spoon and fork makers whose jobs are being outsourced to Hell, where the Devil’s minions infuse each spork with the burning sulfur of a thousand sinners…

Okay, clearly this one has gotten away from me.

Still.

Sporks?

I don’t care for them.

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Comments
  1. speaker7 says:

    Sporks were the common utensil to place in the to-go box when I worked at KFC. It was perfect for spearing the chicken and scooping the grease droppings.

  2. heathersnyder1 says:

    Edward Lear said, “They dined on mince and slices of quince, which they ate with a runcible spork.”…damn you Edward Lear…damn you. I blame him for the invention of Sporks.
    Also, in the movie “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”, the Sheriff of Nottingham says, “Locksley. I’ll cut your heart out with a spork.”…see, sporks can be used as dull weapons. Sporks cannot be trusted.

  3. Speaker7 beat me to it. I blame KFC for the propagation of the spork. And for making America the fattest country in the universe.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Speaker – My food experience is waiting tables at Cracker Barrel. We had chicken-fried sporks.

      Heather – Congratulations, you are the first person in the history of the internet to quote Edward Lear and “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” in one blog comment.

      Cliche – Yes. And I blame KFC for making me suspicious of all colonels.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        You are most certainly welcome for the Edward Lear & Sheriff George (Alan Rickman) quotes. (In the movie Robin Hood, I think Kevin Costner may have had the worst British accent in movie history…Kim Cattrall possibly being the runner up.)

        And, another thing about sporks…whenever I say the word, “sporks”, it makes me feel like I’m talking like Swedish Chef from The Muppets. “Spork, spork, spork!”.

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        Heather-

  4. Lokyra Stone says:

    And you mustn’t forget the dreadful Spork Wars. The blood-soaked ground, the twisted silverware, shattered plastic… it was awful. I still have nightmares.

    • heathersnyder1 says:

      But beware! Anger, fear, aggression. Do not underestimate the powers of the Spork…the dark side are they!

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    @ Lokyra 🙂 Laughing my butt off, thank you for the Swedish Chef video. I love it when he threw the chicken into the basket and said, “Two points.”! (Maniacle laugh…maniacle laugh!!!).

    And, it’s funny I was quoting Yoda from Star Wars and you said Yogurt with a Spork, which made me think of Yogurt from the movie Spaceballs. Sorry, my brain always goes off on these wild & crazy tangents. 🙂

    • Lokyra Stone says:

      Well that would be exactly where I got Yogurt from, in this case. I have watched Spaceballs WAYYYY too many times. I quote it a lot.

      The chef was always one of my favourites. In Muppets. Not Space Balls.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        I loooove Spaceballs. I quote it all the time, too. Especially when I’m in a dressing room in a store. I yell out, “Why didn’t somebody tell me my a** was so big?”.

        Also, “What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?”. (I love Rick Moranis ever since SCTV and Bob & Doug McKenzie, my brother got me into watching those all the time). “Yes…we’re gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.”

        “I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe…as the…”
        “…the Force?”
        “No, the Spork!” (intentional Spork reference for Makya 🙂 )

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        I tell people that someone went plaid. They inevitably give me a blank face.

        I hand them the face back and say “No thank you. I like mine.”

        I bet we could come up with a drinking game involving movies and the word Spork.

  6. Lokyra Stone says:

    MAY THE SPORK BE WITH YOU.

    • heathersnyder1 says:

      Hahaha! Whenever I make a phone call I say “1-800-DRUIDIA”. 🙂
      I am agreeing with you Lokyra on the drinking game…movies, quotes and the word Spork.

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        So glad I’m not the only female to incessantly quote Spaceballs.

        Our Podcast logo can be two crossed sporks. With a circus peanut beneath them.

  7. heathersnyder1 says:

    I incessantly quote from:
    Spaceballs
    Monty Python and the Holy Grail
    Ghostbusters
    Goonies
    Flash Gordon
    Murder by Death
    etc.,
    etc.

    I actually like the sound of the logo, too. But, I might have to keep replacing the Circus Peanuts in the logo if I keep eating them.

    • Lokyra Stone says:

      Heather… will you marry me?

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        Yes, I accept Lokyra…we shall honeymoon in Romania. I’ll start packing. See, Makya isn’t the only one who has a blog bride. Yayyy!

        Unless I am actually your evil twin, separated at birth, kidnapped by a mad scientist with a maniacle laugh. And at age 12 becoming an apprentice of the mad scientist training me in the art of extractive metallurgy, plotting to take over the town of Medicine Park, Oklahoma (population 385), stealing little gnomes out of peoples yards. Then we get married and find out I’m your evil twin.
        So we end up on The Jerry Springer show titled: “I am actually your evil twin, separated at birth, kidnapped by a mad scientist with a maniacle laugh. And at age 12 became an apprentice of the mad scientist, who in turn trained me in the art of extractive metallurgy, plotted to take over the town of Medicine Park, Oklahoma (population 385), stole little gnomes out of peoples yards. Then we got married and found out I’m your evil twin.”.

        We will always have Romania 😥

  8. Lokyra Stone says:

    Greg asked if he was invited to the wedding. I told him of course he was.

    I’ve always wanted to see Romania!
    And what if I’m actually the evil twin? Then we’d have to appear on TWO Jerry Springer Shows!
    “You thought you were my evil twin, kidnapped by a mad scientist with a maniacle laugh. And at age 12 became an apprentice of the mad scientist, who in turn trained you in the art of extractive metallurgy, plotted to take over the town of Medicine Park, Oklahoma (population 385), stole little gnomes out of peoples yards. Then we got married. But then it turned out that I was actually the evil twin, trained in the arts of Sorcery and Mayhem, and have been blending in with the general population for years, waiting for the right person to take over the world with.”

    • heathersnyder1 says:

      Ah ha! I found my Total World Domination partner in crime! Score!!! I obviously need a Snidely Whiplash mustache that I twirl at the ends with my fingers at moments of devious thoughts. And, this is where the Bowler hats come in handy! Bowler hats, Snidley Whiplash mustaches, Sorcery and Mayhem = Ruling the World.

  9. heathersnyder1 says:

    LOL! 🙂

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