The Top Ten Most Annoying facebook Status Updates

Posted: February 2, 2012 in Lists
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. Back in 2003, I invented facebook. Then I showed it off to those darn Winklevoss twins and they stole my idea. I’m not entirely sure what happened after that, but the thing got made and has become relatively popular. (Do I hold a grudge? Nah. I’ve since invented the male tampon which should make me very wealthy). 

So, just how popular is facebook? It currently has over eight hundred million users. To put that in perspective, imagine one person using facebook. Now, imagine more than eight hundred million other people also using facebook. That should give you some idea of the scope here. And eight hundred million users means eight hundred million opportunities to post annoying status updates.

For your convenience, I’ve broken these millions of daily annoyances into ten and/or eleven user-friendly categories –

11. The Wildly Mundane – Let’s start with the obvious. People on facebook love to let their friends and loved ones know what they’re having for lunch, that they’re having trouble getting to sleep, and how much they dislike Mondays. It was neither amusing nor entertaining when Garfield told us how bad Mondays are…do you really think you have some new insight on the subject? Here’s a rule to follow, if you wouldn’t write it in a letter (remember letters? We used to update loved ones on our lives by writing on pieces of paper that were then sealed into envelopes…Google it), don’t put it in your status update.  “Dear Mom, Things are going well. Rob got that promotion. Jenny made the swim team. And I had roast beef for lunch and hate Mondays.”  

Garfield (character)

Must be a Tuesday

10. Picture Puzzles – Have you seen these? Where something is hidden in the picture…or there’s a mistake to find. I actually like puzzles. What I don’t like is staring at my computer screen for twenty minutes trying to find a cat hidden in a giant pile of scrap metal and then, finally, convinced that there is definitely no cat in this picture, look up the answer and see the cat plain as day and feel like a complete idiot.

9. Very Specific Grievances – Nowadays, when people get cut off in traffic or are mistreated by a coworker, they run to their computer and put it in a status update. What are we supposed to do with this information? It never seems important enough to commiserate…“Oh, I’m so sorry Becky borrowed your stapler and didn’t return it. Hang in there, buddy.” And what is the complainer trying to accomplish? The guy that cut you off is never going to read your status update and telling us about the people who’ve wronged you in small ways is never going to get your stapler back.

8. The Seemingly Clever – Often these are reposted graphics, sometimes they are original thoughts, but they always have one thing in common – at first they look like an Oscar Wilde quote, but upon further inspection, they make very little sense. Here, I’ll make one up. “If home is where the heart is, why do I keep getting heart burn?” Give it no thought, it sounds like it might be clever. But, trust me, it isn’t.

English: Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length por...

Oscar Wilde...without heart burn

7. Pictures of Pets – Why do I need to know what my second cousin’s cat looks like? And just because we sat across from each other in one college Biology class doesn’t mean I want to see sixteen pictures of your dog napping.

6. Random Song Lyrics – This is a bizarre facebook phenomenon. It’s fairly common for people to simply post a rogue line from a song, with no explanation. Even stranger is that people often comment as if they understand what the person is saying. Status Update – “She was afraid to come out of the locker, she was afraid that somebody would see…” Comment – “Yeah, I hear you bro, I’m totally having an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini kind of day myself.”

5. Self Promotion – Bottom line, facebook is not a platform for self promotion…unless you’re just sending a friendly reminder about your self-titled humor blog. That’s perfectly acceptable.

4. Repost (If You Care) – Have you seen these pre-packaged guilt trips? They take a cause that only a heartless thug would oppose and then challenge you to repost some block of text. “I don’t like people that punch puppies. To show your support of the anti puppy punching petition, repost this message. Only a very few will care enough to repost, are you one of them?” It’s like a remorseful chain letter. Geez, I was just trying to see if that cute girl from high school is still cute and now I have to deal with this? Stop it already.

3. Complaints About facebook – People love to use facebook to complain about facebook. Which is sort of like singing a song about how much you hate music.

2. Anything Cryptic – I constantly see short, mysterious status updates like: “Finally, it’s finished,” “Oops, my bad,” or “Again?” I don’t know if these people assume that I follow their daily life in such detail that I know exactly what they’re talking about or if these are meant as teasers to get us to investigate further. Either way, I don’t care.

1. Virtual Updates – If you were my best friend and you owned a farm and you purchased a new wheelbarrow, this would not be interesting. So why would anyone think that the acquisition of a virtual wheelbarrow on a virtual farm would fascinate? Please stop telling me how your virtual Pot Farm harvest is doing. It’s imaginary. Your crops are as nonexistent as my interest in the whole endeavor.

You may very well be asking yourself what you should be doing with your facebook updates. I, for one, like to initiate thoughtful conversations (and just look at all the comments I inspire)…

 

Pose challenging questions…

 

And inspire the world…

 

Also, I hate Mondays.

Comments
  1. speaker7 says:

    I hate Thursdays, and I’m about to be eat breakfast. Just felt I had to get that out before I mention how much I enjoyed your post. Let’s see who read this. If you like this post, copy this comment. I bet only 3 percent of you will. I hate all of you.

  2. Love, LOVE this post.

    I also love how people leave status updates about how awful they feel in some cryptic code, fully expecting everyone to go fishing for the whole attention seeking story. Sorry, if it wasn’t interesting enough to write in full, I’m going to carry on not caring. At all.

    Would you like a close-up picture of my bowl of cous cous?

  3. Becky says:

    I can’t find the “like” button!!!!!

  4. Jackie says:

    “unless you’re just sending a friendly reminder about your self-titled humor blog. That’s perfectly acceptable.” Whew!

  5. Kestrel Blue says:

    quick qestion is sharing a link to this GREAT blog ok? :)……cause I’m about too!

  6. Gabs says:

    You forgot TMI posts….”waiting on the test results hopefully I don’t have to die soon”

  7. aclundin says:

    Funny as always…I just have to point out that rather than not liking I am suffocating my friends in positive happy updates about things are most definetly not happy at all. Such as “I am so happy it is Monday, this week will be awesome” or “sitting on a delayed train is just great, I might be late for work but at least I get some extra time with my morning paper”.

    I’m a bit disappointed that this didn’t make it on to the top ten list!

  8. heathersnyder1 says:

    I really hate the status updates where people will say something about what someone did, but not really come out and say who it is doing the crime like, “You know what you did and you will never learn will you?” or “Shame on you for (fill in the blank)”. I take it personally and start to think that I did something bad.

    I am guilty of making my updates as boring as possible and I tend to post too many pictures of my travels. I think I have 100 or so photo albums on FB :(

  9. JP Feed says:

    Song lyrics are the worst and how about people willing to pretend to use their phones as banana phones?

  10. Crystal says:

    I have friends and clients on my Facebook. Therefore I don’t use the status update feature. I’m afraid one of these days I might mess up and put something up that I shouldn’t so I just leave it alone.

  11. Elizabeth says:

    I like “#11. The Wildly Mundane”, especially when friends like updating their status every 30 minutes. Also the “#4. Repost (If You Care)”, and I don’t–care that is. Is that so wrong?

    • Makya McBee says:

      Speaker – Probably even less than 3%, nobody cares any more (but great to hear about your breakfast…congratulations).

      Pop – I’m hoping that wasn’t an incidental Caps Lock and that the uppercase letters were meant to emphasize your love of this post. And, cous-cous? Of course course.

      Thought – You’re welcome. I considered writing it and then just putting it in a bottle and setting it out to sea…but I figured a few more people could see it this way.

      Becky – Don’t panic. I’m sure it’s there somewhere. I can wait…

      Jackie – Hmmmm, of course I meant me…but I suppose you can do it as well.

      Kestrel – Let me be perfectly clear – anything promoting me is more than okay. It’s okay plus.

      Gabs – Oh, they’re all TMI post aren’t they?

      AC – I’m sorry, but nobody enjoys being reminded of other’s optimism. You may see the blog as half-full, but best keep it to yourself.

      Heather – Photos are okay as long as they’re of something interesting. Boring updates are alright as well…as long as they’re not boring.

      Spinster – Good question.

      JP – How dare you? People willing to use their phones as bananas are the best kind of people in the world. In fact, that reminds me of a song…

      Crystal – Yes, when in doubt, do nothing. That’s been my motto for years and it’s always been…you know…whatever.

      Elizabeth – If not caring about generic posts that appear to be about something worthwhile but are, in fact, about nothing but guilt is wrong…I don’t want to be right.

  12. This is really funny and well written.
    Great sunday morning read, thank you x

  13. Reblogged this on ABC…SILLY and commented:
    A great Post

  14. I was going to blog something very similar. Had to take it in another direction. Check it outhttp://thormulligan.blogspot.com/
    Thanks for taking the wind out of my sails you magnificent bastard!.

  15. Right on just getting started with the blogging. Not too proud of the first two, but you have to start somewhere. Just put up another post. I know you have many people that probably ask your opinion, so I won’t ask, but if you would like to offer an opinion that would be ok.

    http://thormulligan.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-love-television.html

  16. claudiagrant says:

    I started a blog for the specific reason that I need somewhere to post my mundane thoughts, political rants, songs I like and posts called ‘I hate hump day’ as I felt I was abusing the Facebook status update function. Eventually all those Facebook etiquette articles got through to me.

  17. Gregory says:

    Greg is finding this article interesting as it reads a bit like a Twitter feed. Greg thoroughly recommends reading Gregs Twitter feed in this way, Greg suggests all of you Gregs should to try it.

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