Here’s the deal. HYBRID SHARKS?!? HYBRID SHARKS?!? What the hell is going on?!?! There are hybrid sharks in the water!!!
Sorry. Deep breaths. Settle down.
Water scientists recently discovered the first case of a hybrid shark off the coast of Australia. That’s right, people, all of the killing power of a shark combined with the fuel economy of the electric motor. Wait a second…that doesn’t sound right. Maybe I should read the whole article.
Okay, in this instance hybrid refers to offspring. The technical definition involves overwhelming words like “chromosome,” “genotype,” and “homozygous.” I don’t know about all that. But let me try and explain. You see, when the Daddy Lion loves the Mommy Lion very much, then they get married and then they have some special alone time and then a baby lion is born. But when the Daddy Lion loves the Mommy Tiger…well, then it’s about to get funky up in this savannah and they’re about to create an adorable little abomination we call a liger.
Yes, usually hybrids are cute. A camel and a llama make a cama. A bison and a domestic cow make a beefalo. And a donkey and a zebra make a zonkey. (I’d never heard of this one before…isn’t that awesome? I totally want a pet zonkey). But two sharks? They make a doubly deadly killing machine.
I’ve seen Jaws and Jaws 2 and Jaws 3D and Jaws: The Revenge and Deep Blue Sea and Open Water so I know exactly how dangerous the American cinema has decided that sharks are. So when an Australian black tip shark mates with a common black tip shark, the only reasonable response is, “HYBRID SHARKS!!! Get out of the water!!!”
Hybrid sharks – all of the killing power of the Australian black tip combined with the…well, it turns out that the Australian black tip and the common black tip are practically identical and only distinguishable by their differing number of vertebrae. So. Hybrid sharks – all of the killing power of the black tip shark combined with the additional vertebrae of the Australian black tip shark. Pretty scary stuff. And just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…off the northern coast of Australia.
And if these hybrids are possible, who’s to say what’s next. What other potential killing machines are just one ill-advised, late night romp away? Imagine if a shark and a rattlesnake bred…creating the dreaded and irritable rattlesnark. Fear the day a mighty hawk breeds with a great white…producing the deadly shawk (which sort of just sounds like a New Yorker upon seeing a regular shark). And what if the stealthy jaguar decided to spend some quality time with a mako…their unholy offspring would be the terrifying shaguar (and with a name like that, it would no doubt be quick to reproduce). Like a Mr. Potato Head of death, the chilling hybrid possibilities are endless.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I stop shark hybrids from destroying life as we know it? Luckily, I’ve been working on a project for some time that just happens to solve this very problem. Two words: shark condoms.