The Top Ten Scenes You’ll Never See in a Horror Movie

Posted: December 26, 2011 in Lists
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  Yesterday was Christmas and I, like most of you, spent the day with loved ones, sipping hot cocoa, admiring the roaring fire, and creating lists of the scenes you’ll never see in scary films.  I know it’s something of a cliché, but we’re traditionalists and as soon as the gifts are unwrapped the heated debate over horror movies begins.

My young niece, between sips of eggnog, called out, “Uncle Makya, why not make this into one of your blog entries?”  I couldn’t help but chuckle at her ignorance.  “Silly niece,” I chastised, “This time of year, families are up to their eyeballs in lists of scenes you won’t see in horror films.  They don’t need another one.”

But, as I watched the tears well up in her eyes, I was reminded of the true meaning of Christmas…I’ve since forgotten it again, but it inspired me to ignore my instincts and give a young girl’s Christmas wish a chance to come true. 

Top Ten Scenes You’ll Never See In A Horror Movie

11.  Six teenagers go into the woods…six teenagers come out of the woods.

10.  The authorities realize that they’re dealing with a werewolf.  They then check their calendar to see how much time they have before the beast strikes again…oh, no hurry, they’ve got three and a half weeks to figure out who the werewolf is.

9.  Being chased by the killer, our hero jumps into a car and…it starts on the first try.

8.  Friend says, “Excuse me,” instead of reaching out and grabbing the frightened girl’s shoulder.

7.  The strangely stoic, pale, over-dressed young children who are singing in a creepy monotone are not at all evil.  They’re just strangely stoic, pale, over-dressed young children who enjoy singing in a creepy monotone in their free time.

6.  After finally defeating the crazed killer, our heroine walks away and we pan back slowly to the villain only to reveal that…yes, he is indeed quite dead.

5.  The teenagers stop by the dusty, decrepit gas station and ask the toothless, scraggy old man for directions…and he is more than happy to give them detailed instructions on how to find a local bed and breakfast where they enjoy a perfectly lovely weekend getaway.

4.  Having been terrorized by a madman, the teens finally locate a police officer…and he responds by listening carefully and believing absolutely everything they say.

3.  The killer realizes he has some serious Oedipal issues and seeks therapy.

2.  No need to repeatedly hit your flashlight, it’s fully functional.

1.  The teenager runs through the woods, trying to escape…the killer follows with a truly unhurried, plodding stride…the distance between the teenager and the killer increases.

  1. speaker7 says:

    Excellent list.
    You might add: teenagers get it on and are not slaughtered.

  2. Dan Bain says:

    God bless you, Makya. This example of sharing the Christmas spirit even after the day is over, should serve as a shining example to us all.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back….

  3. Oh yes, I like these.

    How about: teenager opens to a dark scary room expecting the killer to totally show up and isn’t surprised when the killer shows up.

  4. Lokyra Stone says:

    Up until Tucker and Dale vs Evil, I would have said, “College kids terrorize hillbillies.” That movie ruined that one.

    How about… Instead of ravenously falling upon the scantily clad blonde, the hungry werewolf instead goes out for a rare steak.

    Or… the creepy towering butler opening the creaky humongous door of the creepy palatial castle peers out and says, “Heyyyyy. How you doin???” Maybe does that little wink and tongue click thing.

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    The electricity never goes out in the creepy mansion and if it does, the breaker box is located in the kitchen not in the dungeon/basement. There are no knives in the kitchen drawers, or if so, there are only dull butter knives. There is a also a lack of chopped up body parts on the counters. Locating the breaker box in the dark is very easy, or see your #2, No need to repeatedly hit your flashlight, it’s fully functional.

    I like Lokyra’s idea, too: “Or…the creepy towering butler opening the creaky humongous door of the creepy palatial castle peers out and says, “Heyyyyy. How you doin???” Maybe does that little wink and tongue click thing.”. That would be awesome!
    Also, if the butler would be Charles Nelson Reilly and he throws confetti everywhere and does his signature laugh. No wait, I take that back…that might be scary.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Speaker – Correct. Although I was trying to avoid the things covered in Scream. Plus I hate to dissuade anyone from getting it on.

      Dan – No, Dan, don’t go! Didn’t anyone see Scream?

      Misfortune – I’d like to see that one, teen lounging in a rocking chair, “I’ve been expecting you.”

      Lokyra – It’s nice to have you back. You’re second only to Heather for total number of comments and it had been awhile…and, yes, if only werewolves could enjoy steak, that would solve so many of our problems.

      Heather – Locating the breaker box, easy? Let’s not get silly. Oh, and watch out…Lokyra’s back and she added four comments in one day.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        I win the prize on the most comments, but you and Lokyra win the prize on the excellent quality of your comments. There’s something to be said for quantity vs. quality. Take your blog or your screenwriting for instance, good quality writing!

      • Makya McBee says:

        Hmmm, I never know what to do with a compliment on my screenwriting…from someone who has never read my screenwriting…but, thanks.

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        I just have to catch up when I have the chance! Not having electricity is a bit complicated.

        And thank you for the lovely compliments, Makya and Heather.

        We need to write a cheesy horror movie.

  6. heathersnyder1 says:

    @ Lokyra, you are welcome 🙂 If you and Makya write a cheesy horror movie, please include Zombie Snails. Snails are creepy and slimy, but if they are Zombies…even creepier and slimier…oh and slow…they would be slow, slimy, creepy Zombie Snails…from Mars…Zombie Snails have to be from Mars.

    • Lokyra Stone says:

      Well you would have to help.
      We would also have to write in some excitable Russian women as well.
      Excitable Russian women, zombie snails, werekitties, and…… a kooky creepy screen writer.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        @ Lokyra 🙂 thank you, but, I will leave the writing up to you two professional writers. I will throw ideas out there. Along with the ones you listed, I will also add Evil Radioactive Bunnies. You won’t be expecting cute bunnies being evil or radioactive. Oh, look at the cute bunnies…shazammm…they are evil and radioactive. Also, the kooky, creepy screen writer must have a maniacal laugh and live in his evil lair on Crab Key Island. I have always wanted to live in an evil lair.

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        @Heather- I can’t really claim to be a professional writer. Haven’t done anything professional with my writing for some time. Working on it though….
        Definitely need radioactive evil bunnies. There is actually a horrific movie about giant flesh eating bunnies. It was terrible. I loved it.

        Makya, how do you feel about Crab Key Island?
        We’ll have to make sure the Evil Lair has a wet bar.

      • Makya McBee says:

        Hmmmm, as riveting as this story sounds, I think I’ll leave this one to the ladies. But Crab Key Island? Yep. You’ve got a winner.

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        Well if you’re not gonna help write it, I guess you’ll have to act in it. Yes. I like this idea.

  7. heathersnyder1 says:

    I’ll have to leave the writing to the writers 🙂 But, I agree on the wet bar in the evil lair…all evil lairs should have wet bars.

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