Here’s the deal. Yesterday was Christmas and I, like most of you, spent the day with loved ones, sipping hot cocoa, admiring the roaring fire, and creating lists of the scenes you’ll never see in scary films. I know it’s something of a cliché, but we’re traditionalists and as soon as the gifts are unwrapped the heated debate over horror movies begins.
My young niece, between sips of eggnog, called out, “Uncle Makya, why not make this into one of your blog entries?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at her ignorance. “Silly niece,” I chastised, “This time of year, families are up to their eyeballs in lists of scenes you won’t see in horror films. They don’t need another one.”
But, as I watched the tears well up in her eyes, I was reminded of the true meaning of Christmas…I’ve since forgotten it again, but it inspired me to ignore my instincts and give a young girl’s Christmas wish a chance to come true.
Top Ten Scenes You’ll Never See In A Horror Movie
11. Six teenagers go into the woods…six teenagers come out of the woods.
10. The authorities realize that they’re dealing with a werewolf. They then check their calendar to see how much time they have before the beast strikes again…oh, no hurry, they’ve got three and a half weeks to figure out who the werewolf is.
9. Being chased by the killer, our hero jumps into a car and…it starts on the first try.
8. Friend says, “Excuse me,” instead of reaching out and grabbing the frightened girl’s shoulder.
7. The strangely stoic, pale, over-dressed young children who are singing in a creepy monotone are not at all evil. They’re just strangely stoic, pale, over-dressed young children who enjoy singing in a creepy monotone in their free time.
6. After finally defeating the crazed killer, our heroine walks away and we pan back slowly to the villain only to reveal that…yes, he is indeed quite dead.
5. The teenagers stop by the dusty, decrepit gas station and ask the toothless, scraggy old man for directions…and he is more than happy to give them detailed instructions on how to find a local bed and breakfast where they enjoy a perfectly lovely weekend getaway.
4. Having been terrorized by a madman, the teens finally locate a police officer…and he responds by listening carefully and believing absolutely everything they say.
3. The killer realizes he has some serious Oedipal issues and seeks therapy.
2. No need to repeatedly hit your flashlight, it’s fully functional.
1. The teenager runs through the woods, trying to escape…the killer follows with a truly unhurried, plodding stride…the distance between the teenager and the killer increases.