Vs. Spam Subject Headings That Make Me Feel Bad About Myself

Posted: December 22, 2011 in Internet
Tags: , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  In the past, I’ve done a post on how to identify spam and on the absurdity of blog spam.  But spam is the unwanted gift that keeps on giving, and I have even more to say on the topic.

In the past month I have received spam with the following subject headings:


Single and ready to party

Public Arrest Records Online

Save 80% off Viagra

Have bad credit!  No problem!

Drop the baby weight in time for summer

View photos of 50 plus singles near you at seniormeetpeople.com

New Penile Enlargement Patch

Okay, so I’m beginning to get a picture of what the spammers of the world think of me.  Apparently, I’ve been labeled a criminal with bad credit and erectile dysfunction, as well as an overweight senior citizen with an undersized sex organ.  And this is simply not true.  I’m only thirty seven.

And, in regards to this last subject heading, I also received some spam at my blog from a commenter called “best penis.”  (I had no idea there was an international ranking…I wonder what criteria are involved?  Does the contest involve a talent portion?)  “Best penis” was from penisadvantage.com – and, no, this is not a website that lists the advantages of having a penis (make more money…ability to urinate standing up).  When you go to penisadvantage.com, you will see the following words – “A genuine way to permanently enlarge your penis at home – using just your hands.”  Okay.  Ideally, I’d like to keep this a PG-13 site.  Let’s just say that I, along with the rest of the male population, have been implementing this strategy for years and it has yet to yield increased size…but we’re willing to keep on trying.

But back to my point.  Why is so much of the spam so insulting?  Are they trying to make us feel bad about ourselves? 

I’m not clicking on any of these.  I think they should try some compliments instead.  If they want me to open their spam they should try a subject heading like this – “We’ve heard that you’re attractive, with great credit, an impeccable record with the ladies and that you are in no need of penis enlargement…click here to find out more.”

There’s enough bad news in the world as it is, I don’t need random spam reminding me of my shortcomings.  If you’re going to guess wildly at what might ail me, why not put a positive spin on it?  “Overly Tall, Dark and Handsome Patch!”  “80% off Excessively Awesome Pills!”  “View Photos of Yourself…Looking Terrific!”   

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I put an end to the negative spam subject headings?  Well, I haven’t exactly figured out all of the details…but I’m working on a system whereby we could completely eradicate negative spam from home…using just our hands…

  1. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    I’ve recently received repeated requests for food orders, and I don’t have a catering service.

    I have been getting a lot of “odd” spammy likes & comments on WordPress too… There has been a definite rise in the last month or so.

  2. You think those headers are insulting? I had a spambot tell me the other day that my blog was one of the worst it had seen and how they were disappointed in me! I think my mother may be working for the spam programmers…

  3. Queen Linda says:

    Likin’ it. . .nicely said. (Except I’m getting wrinkles from smiling — is there a remedy for that?)

  4. I’m always amused by spammers inability to recognize that, as a girl, I don’t need penis enlargement. Or hookups with very excitable Russian women who type in the broken English of bad Cold War-era stereotype films. Or men’s watches. (Well, the last would be useful, except that I hate gold.)
    Although I do like that the enlargement pills are often labeled “for gentlemen.” As if it should come with a top hat and tails, or something.

  5. Hooker says:

    I can’t see how spamming can really be all that profitable. Even if, by some miracle, they trick me into opening the email with their subject lines, do they really think I am going to click on the link and hand over my credit card?

    • Makya McBee says:

      Axl – It looks to me like you have a fine eatery, I’d like to place an order as well. I don’t have Paypal…is cash okay?

      Pretty – I know the feeling, my mom won’t stop forwarding me Viagra coupons. Inappropriate, right?

      Your Highness – If you’re willing to sort through the spam, you’ll find that there’s a cure for everything.

      Implied – There’s nothing more sophisticated than penis enlargement…so classy.

      Hooker – What? We’re not supposed to give them our credit card?

  6. Lokyra Stone says:

    Spiritual, maybe they think that you think that your boy toy of the moment needs more in his undies.

    Dammit, I always wanted an excitable Russian woman hookup….

    I am getting the impression that all sorts of things could be solved by using your hands….

  7. heathersnyder1 says:

    I haven’t gotten any spam lately. But, I figure it’s only a matter of time before very “excitable Russian women” find out where I’m hiding, too. I am expecting a massive influx any minute now.

    Every once in a while I get the creepy spammers on my Yahoo IM that want to hook up. Just letting you know…I’m on to you “lustycybersxxx”, you don’t fool me.

    • Lokyra Stone says:

      Maybe I should start an account and pose as an “excitable Russian woman”. I think I could pull it off….
      Especially if I use my opposable thumb super powers.

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