The Top Ten Signs This is Your First Civil War Reenactment

Posted: December 15, 2011 in Lists
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  For those of you keeping count, it’s time for Makya McBee Vs. Other People’s Lists – Volume 10.  Actually, I suppose that if you’re keeping count, you’d already know that this is Volume 10.  So, for those of you notkeeping count, it’s time for Makya McBee Vs. Other People’s Lists – Volume 10.  Then again, if you’re not keeping count, you probably don’t care which volume this is.  I guess I should say, for no one in particular, it’s time for Makya McBee Vs. Other People’s Lists – Volume 10.  Well…that was a terrific waste of time.

Confederate reenactors fire their rifles durin...

100% authentic...except for the guy who took the picture...

But I’ll tell you what isn’t a terrific waste of time – creating and/or reading lists about Civil War reenactments.  According to a recent study by the Institute of Wildly Inaccurate Studies, 83.7% of Americans currently enjoy Civil War reenactments as a hobby and 39.1% list such reenactments as their primary source of income.  (I should really start getting my figures from a more reputable institute). 

Clearly, these historical recreations are all the buzz nowadays.  The Institute of Wildly Inaccurate Studies estimates that 62.9% of all Tweets are Civil War reenactment related…then again, this same institute recently found that their own studies have a margin of error of up to 104%.  Nevertheless, grab a friend, a hot cocoa and get ready to snuggle up and read a list you found on a blog…

Top Ten Signs This is Your First Civil War Reenactment

11. When it’s time for your death scene, despite the flurry of enemy gunfire, you yell, “Missed me!  Missed me!” and run off into the woods, giggling.

10. You show up dressed like Chewbacca.

9. As the participants divide themselves into the armies of the North and the South, you proudly declare, “I shall fight for the East.”

8. You’re dressed like actress Cybil Shepherd, having mistakenly thought you had signed up to take part in a Cybil War Reenactment.

7. Having forgotten to secure a Confederate flag, you arrive at the battlefield with your neighbor’s rainbow flag.

Topiary garden, Beckley Park manor, Oxfordshir...

Oh...the humanity...

6. After you’re killed you get back up and call out, “Zombie Civil War Reenactment!”

5. You show up with a Belgian 10.4 Garland revolver…which everyone knows wasn’t introduced until two years after the Civil War ended.

4. Half way through the battle of Chancellorsville you get hungry and order a pizza.

3. As soon as the reenactment begins you panic and surrender to a nearby shrub…effectively rewriting history and creating an alternate universe in which M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening is actually frightening, topiaries are outlawed, and every president is named President Bush.

2. The main reason you’re participating is to find out who won.

1. You charge the battlefield screaming, “I can’t wait to blog about this!”

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Comments
  1. I thought I was the only one who did 8, I haven’t been invited back again since that. Well, that and recreating an authentic civil war latrine in the middle of the battlefield. Well, when a girls gotta go…

  2. heathersnyder1 says:

    I would do the # 6 “after I’m killed get back up and call out, “Zombie Civil War Reenactment!””. Also #11 would be fun to try.

    You nailed it on #’s 1, 4 and 5! There are food vendors everywhere. Like a carnival.
    Also, there’s lots and lots (lined up in long lines) of Porta-Potties and they’re repulsive, if only they had Porta-Potties back then…who knows how the war would’ve turned out.

    There’s lots of digital cameras at these things as well and sometimes may be hard to get an “authentic” shot in with all the “paparazzi” wondering about.

    Then there’s the smells…body odor (no showers until the reenactors go home), horses and poo, campfires, Jim Beam and vendors with funnel cakes, corn dogs, chili, onion rings and diet coke…enough to make me vomit.

    If you stick around long enough you might get “General Lee’s” autograph and a digital photo with him to commemorate your meeting.

  3. Elizabeth Dodd says:

    I love #6-Zombie Civil War Reenactment.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Toe Popper – Your comment brings flashbacks of my freshman year on the JV basketball team. I was number eight…and dreamed of any female repeating that first sentence of yours.

      Heather – They have the General Lee at the reenactments? Dude, Dukes of Hazard rules!

      Elizabeth – Who doesn’t love a good Zombie Civil War Reenactment? Walking Dead was originally titled Civil War Reenacting Dead.

      • Basketball you say? I happen to have a penchant for the taller man. Say it’s so and I could very well repeat that first sentence in a much sleazier tone of voice.

      • Makya McBee says:

        I’m 6’4″…bring on the sleaze.

      • Elizabeth Dodd says:

        Civil War Reenactments, Renaissance Festivals, Wine Festivals they should all have Zombies in them. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want to see Lord Geoffrey the Jousting Zombie as well?

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        If they have both the General Lee the man and the General Lee the car at the Civil War reenactments that would be a total mind blow.

  4. You wouldn’t tease a girl? Please don’t lie, that would be cruel.

    From now on, you can just go ahead and imagine everything I write on here being said in a breathy chat line voice.

    • Makya McBee says:

      I’d never lie about my height. Too easy to disprove. Hooray, I have an online romance…only 5,623 miles away from a breathy voice (by the way, aren’t all voices breathy?) and a pop toe…whatever that is.

      • I think those 5,623 miles are exactly what will keep this romance alive. I mean, how can all your annoying habits ruin it from there?

        When we’re truly intimate and you’ve introduced me to your mother, I shall tell you all about my pop toe.

  5. Lokyra Stone says:

    I think I need to organize a Civil War reenactment, but have everyone bring a change of clothes and makeup so it will shift into a Zombie Apocalypse reenactment. Keep things fresh, you know.

    I think I might have to show up to a reenactment dressed as Darth Vadar.

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