The Top Ten Ways To Put a Quick End to a Bad Date

Posted: December 6, 2011 in Lists
Tags: , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  When people see me on the street, they say, “Hey, I really enjoy your informative and entertaining lists, but I would really love it if they were more instructional.”  Well, that’s what some people say.  Not many people.  Most people say, “Hey, please get off my street.”  But I think, secretly, they’d also enjoy a more instructional list.

So I thought to myself, “Self, how can I make the world a better place through one of my lists?  How can I help people through a difficult situation?”  And I couldn’t come up with anything.  (Which reminds me, don’t hesitate to offer suggestions.  I’m always open to your ideas for things for me to versus or, now, anything you’d like to see me make a top ten list out of.  Please, fill the comment section with suggestions and do my work for me).  So I settled on this bad date thing.

You know how, in TV shows, a couple is on their first date and they get a friend to call them so they can have an excuse to leave if the date isn’t going well?  I just think they could be a little more creative.  I mean, they’re not planning on seeing this person again, why not have a little fun with it?  The least you can do, is give them a good story.  With that in mind, I have come up with a handful of sure-fire ways to get you out of a bad date, complete with short, useful code names.

The Top Ten Ways to Put A Quick End to a Bad Date

11. Meet the family.  Doodle some stick figures on a napkin, then show the sketch to your date and, very earnestly, introduce them as your family members. 

10. Spell check.  Ask your date to spell everything for you.  For example, if your date says, “I used to bartend over at La Descarga when I was in grad school.”  You should respond, “How do you spell the name of that bar?  And “used” is that with a “y”?  When?  How do spell when?  Is that “to” with two “o’s”?  And, “school” how do you spell that?”

9. Get ahead of yourself.  As soon as the appetizers arrive start discussing baby names.

8. Up, up and away.  Wear brightly colored spandex under your clothes and then, when the date starts to go bad, jump up and cry out, “This looks like a job for Blue Spandex Man!”  Rip off your clothes, revealing your superhero outfit and sprint out the door.

7. Social media.  Frame all conversations as if they’re taking place within social media.  For example, if your date is talking too much, say, “140 characters or less.”  And if you want to know how your date is feeling, say, “Status update?”

The mens high jump event, at the Island Games ...

See that guy jumping over that bar? I could jump over him.

6. There’s the rub.  When the bill comes, try to barter with the waiter/management.  Ask if, instead of money, they’d be willing to trade the already consumed meal for an upbeat song, an origami lesson or a fifteen minute back rub.

5. Hopping mad.  At every possible opportunity, brag about how high you can jump.  Doesn’t sound like much, but it won’t take long to work.  “See that lady over there?  I bet I could jump over her.”  “Those were really good breadsticks.  I could jump as high as probably twenty two breadsticks.”  “Oh, you were born in Vermont?  I can jump over, like three hedges in a row.”

4. Double booked.  Keep checking your watch and say, “We gotta hurry this up, my next date starts in twenty.”

3. Quack.  That’s it.  No matter what your date says, just respond with a quack.

2. The check in.  While sitting directly across from your date, pull out your cell phone and give them a call.  When they answer their phone, disguise your voice and ask how the date is going.

1. Mixed greens.  When the food arrives, dump the salad down your pants and say, “Ahhh, that’s better.”

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Comments
  1. In regard to number 9, I once got asked about an hour into a date if I thought that “we would have good-looking children”. Part of me is still convinced that it was a genuine question, but there is now a fragment of me, in hindsight, that questions whether or not she may have simply been following your advice to try and get rid of me…

  2. c0rn3lius says:

    Great post! Quick question though: At a superhero ONLY restaurant, would normal, everyday clothes be suitable for the blue spandex replacement? Maybe I’ll just wear then right underneath the spandex. And instead of “this looks like a job for Blue Spandex Man!” I’ll shout, “Grocery Shopping!”

  3. heathersnyder1 says:

    Oddly enough, I’ve had 2 through 11 happen to me on dates.
    I’ve tried #1-Mixed Greens, but instead I tried dumping soup down my pants, and instead of saying “Ahhh, that’s better.” it was more like, “Holy @*$&, this F-ing burns!!!”.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Thought – I apologize for making you rethink the intentions of crazy date woman.

      Corn – There are superhero only restaurants? Where are they? Oh….I don’t know about them because I’m not a superhero. Duh. It’s an interesting question, but superheroes don’t have to worry about such matters, they only have super dates.

      Heather – If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times (okay, maybe I haven’t told you a thousand times, but I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it a few dozen times) – do not pour hot soup down your pants.

      You’re welcome.

  4. Kestrel Blue says:

    I gotta try some of these next time…i’m really liking the “Check in” one!!!…super funny stuff!!

  5. Outlier Babe says:

    12:30 AM here, windin’ down, gettin’ ready for bed, sittin’ in my undies, ACT Total Care Anti-Cavity Fluoride mouthwash swishin’ ’round my pearlies. Visit your site for the first time, see this post. Gack! Can’t do spit-take–laptop will sustain permanent damage (though aging flesh down my body front might benefit from anti-cavity protection…) Highly-caustic fluid snorted up into nasal cavity, where continuing laughter causes unsightly eruption better left undescribed. Total damages claimed in pending lawsuit: One set matching mouthwash-dyed bra and panties.

    I lost it at number 2 with the letter y. Super job.

    • Makya McBee says:

      I’m surprised by your phrase, “better left undescribed,” as you seem to have know problem being blatantly descriptive. I’m always pleased to have made someone laugh, but this is the most detailed account of said laughter I’ve ever received. I hope that once you’re fully dressed and your mouth is empty you can hang around and read some of my other posts. (And let’s try and settle out of court, shall we?)

      • Outlier Babe says:

        Okay, already, you follow-whore, I’m on-board now. Not that I have any life, but keep wondering how anyone has one, what with all this sniffing after each other’s online tails, and that on top of reddit-ing, slashdotting, the NYT, NPR, MoveOn.org–and I don’t even have cable or a DVR. My rear just about wore off catching up to the world by watching The Wire straight through online.

        Nevertheless, I promise to devote some future (mouthwash-free) time to your site. Someday, perhaps, you’ll check out mine, to which I am only sporadically dedicated but am currently finding handy as a receptable for thought overspillage: The Last Half (http://outlierbabe.wordpress.com).

      • Makya McBee says:

        Yes, I will check out your blog. As soon as I finish replying to comments. And no cable? How do you survive?

  6. Outlier Babe says:

    1) grimly: moment to moment; 2) coyly: now, hon, how does ANY woman survive? 3) paranoidly: who wants to know!? 4) piratically: um…someone told me that someone else said that there are certain ways you can watch just about anything for free…not that I would ever do this, of course!

    But seriously, Santa Monica boy, there are some of us who can’t afford cable fees–and our numbers are growing. This, for instance, is my fifth year spending $10,000 or more out-of-pocket on medical. Ouch.

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