Here’s the deal. When people see me on the street, they say, “Hey, I really enjoy your informative and entertaining lists, but I would really love it if they were more instructional.” Well, that’s what some people say. Not many people. Most people say, “Hey, please get off my street.” But I think, secretly, they’d also enjoy a more instructional list.
So I thought to myself, “Self, how can I make the world a better place through one of my lists? How can I help people through a difficult situation?” And I couldn’t come up with anything. (Which reminds me, don’t hesitate to offer suggestions. I’m always open to your ideas for things for me to versus or, now, anything you’d like to see me make a top ten list out of. Please, fill the comment section with suggestions and do my work for me). So I settled on this bad date thing.
You know how, in TV shows, a couple is on their first date and they get a friend to call them so they can have an excuse to leave if the date isn’t going well? I just think they could be a little more creative. I mean, they’re not planning on seeing this person again, why not have a little fun with it? The least you can do, is give them a good story. With that in mind, I have come up with a handful of sure-fire ways to get you out of a bad date, complete with short, useful code names.
The Top Ten Ways to Put A Quick End to a Bad Date
11. Meet the family. Doodle some stick figures on a napkin, then show the sketch to your date and, very earnestly, introduce them as your family members.
10. Spell check. Ask your date to spell everything for you. For example, if your date says, “I used to bartend over at La Descarga when I was in grad school.” You should respond, “How do you spell the name of that bar? And “used” is that with a “y”? When? How do spell when? Is that “to” with two “o’s”? And, “school” how do you spell that?”
9. Get ahead of yourself. As soon as the appetizers arrive start discussing baby names.
8. Up, up and away. Wear brightly colored spandex under your clothes and then, when the date starts to go bad, jump up and cry out, “This looks like a job for Blue Spandex Man!” Rip off your clothes, revealing your superhero outfit and sprint out the door.
7. Social media. Frame all conversations as if they’re taking place within social media. For example, if your date is talking too much, say, “140 characters or less.” And if you want to know how your date is feeling, say, “Status update?”
6. There’s the rub. When the bill comes, try to barter with the waiter/management. Ask if, instead of money, they’d be willing to trade the already consumed meal for an upbeat song, an origami lesson or a fifteen minute back rub.
5. Hopping mad. At every possible opportunity, brag about how high you can jump. Doesn’t sound like much, but it won’t take long to work. “See that lady over there? I bet I could jump over her.” “Those were really good breadsticks. I could jump as high as probably twenty two breadsticks.” “Oh, you were born in Vermont? I can jump over, like three hedges in a row.”
4. Double booked. Keep checking your watch and say, “We gotta hurry this up, my next date starts in twenty.”
3. Quack. That’s it. No matter what your date says, just respond with a quack.
2. The check in. While sitting directly across from your date, pull out your cell phone and give them a call. When they answer their phone, disguise your voice and ask how the date is going.
1. Mixed greens. When the food arrives, dump the salad down your pants and say, “Ahhh, that’s better.”