Here’s the deal. Who doesn’t look back fondly on time spent with a simple, blank sheet of paper and their box of Crayola crayons? The world was a wonderful, inspirational place full of imagination. Now you’ve got a mortgage, insurance, and you have to use a tiny electric razor to shave your ears. Your ears! Why is hair growing out of your ears?!? Deep breath. Please, someone hand me some crayons…
Anyway, Crayola has done a lovely job of naming their crayons over the years. Since the first set of six colors introduced in 1903, to current boxes which hold 120 crayons. And just let me be very clear about this list. I do not want to get involved in yet another drawn out legal battle. I am not ranking the best colors. No, I’ll leave that to the interior designers and Scandinavian crayon experts. I am listing the best color names.
And sure, I can already hear the outraged cries echoing in my oddly hirsute ears, “Where’s Banana Mania? You left off Inchworm? What kind of a list doesn’t include Electic Lime, you hairy bastard!” Please, there’s no need for name calling. I understand that everyone is going to have their own opinion here. All I ask is that you recognize that mine is, in fact, correct.
Fair enough? Okay, let’s see the list…
The Top Ten Crayola Crayon Colors
11. Outer Space (The less flashy browns and drab shades are much more difficult to romanticize. Everyone loves to color with a vibrant yellow or a majestic purple, but I like the fact that they gave this dark gray some mystery and allure)
10. Razzmatazz (Powerful word. The strange thing is this is the only name that does not clearly indicate which color it is…it’s like a crayon called Flamboyant. Is it yellow, red, green? Who knows? And who cares? It’s Razzmatazz, baby)
9. Brick Red (It may not be showy, but brick red is a solid color. Hard working. Got a huge wall to color in? Leave those fancy colors in the box. It’s Brick Red’s time to shine)
8. Metallic Seaweed (The exact opposite of Brick Red. Perhaps the most specific color I can imagine. “I need to color in this small clump of seaweed.” “Okay, here’s the green.” “No, wait, it’s more of a…I don’t know…leaden, or copper algae.” “Ohhhhh, I’ve got just the crayon for you, my friend.”)
7. Shadow (Cool and mysterious. What lies in the shadows? This crayon does…this crayon does)
6. Antique Brass (Time to class up the place a little. Not all children want to color in fantastic pictures of jungles, rocket ships and dragons. Some prefer to work on an image of assorted Victorian era keys and latches. And don’t listen to your schoolyard chums, Timmy, there’s nothing wrong with that)
5. Cinnamon Satin (So poetic. This color whisks you off to a wonderful world where everyone is draped in luxurious Cinnamon Satin. We glide, barefoot, over paths of polished, luscious ribbons of gourmet chocolates. Stopping only to rest our weary heads on tufts of glistening cotton candy near a soothing, babbling brook of syrupy decadence…)
4. Dirt (Okay, back to reality. There’s something to be said for telling it like it is. Hey, kid, you need to color in that dirt? Here you go. Maybe this color naming has gotten a little out of control. Perhaps you should open your crayon box and see names like – dirt, tree, sun. Stop sipping tea, put down your parasol and start coloring, you pretentious brat)
3. Atomic Tangerine (Now your coloring with power. Why use orange when you can wield the mighty Atomic Tangerine? Then again, it’s not surprising so many kids try to eat their crayons – half of them are named so deliciously)
2. Bittersweet Shimmer (I like this one, but it’s a mouthful. I’m not entirely convinced that first graders are applying this level of emotional depth to their Little Mermaid picture. But, then again, why not? Perhaps we should introduce a whole line of colors designed to introduce children to complex emotional concepts – Empathetic Emerald…Midlife Crisis Maroon…Theoretical Blue…)
1. Neon Carrot (I think this does everything a good color name should. It introduces a concrete object that kids can understand. A carrot. That means orange. But it pairs that with an exciting adjective. Neon Carrot. All of the health and simplicity of a vegetable combined with the allure and pizzazz of Vegas)
So maybe take a moment, my friends. Find some time in your busy week. Grab a box of crayons. And sit down and color. You’re never too old to draw. It might take you back to a simpler time. It might make you forget about some of your troubles. Draw a princess in a castle. Draw a cowboy atop a mighty steed. Or, if you prefer, draw a blogger…wait….hold on…why are you putting so much hair in my ears?