Here’s the deal. Growing up, I had the original Nintendo Entertainment System…you know, the one where you had to, inexplicably, take the cartridges out every fifteen minutes and blow on them? Yeah, that one. And, as I was exposed to Atari and Pong at a very young age, the NES seemed super high-tech and way cool. Even with all the blowing.
And the best game was Super Mario Brothers. At a very young age I learned that jumping on turtles is fun, eating random mushrooms will make you bigger and when you head butt a brick it will produce money…it’s a wonder I survived adolescence. I also learned that Bowser is just plain mean.
As I grew older, I played many other Italian Plumber based video games, and every time Bowser was there trying to thwart me. What does this fire-breathing, red headed, horned, spiked, giant turtle with leather studded bracelets have against everybody? Where do these anger issues come from? Why is he always trying to destroy the happy-go-lucky Mario?
Come on, he’s already king of the koopas. (You know the koopas, those green, red, and yellow occasionally flying turtle creatures that pace back and forth like expectant fathers) What more does he want? Why must he constantly try and conquer the Mushroom Kingdom? And, my goodness, how many times has he kidnapped Princess Peach? That’s no way to impress a woman.
This guy never learns. There’s more than one way to seize power. Kidnapping the princess and luring Mario into a battle where you’re poised directly over a bubbling, open volcano didn’t work the first eight times, why not change it up a little? Maybe petition the Mushroom Kingdom Congress. Work within the political system. Earn it, you brute.
Or even better, just leave us alone. Sign up for anger management. Pay some attention to your kingdom (every time I visit, the place is in shambles). Try dating someone in your own species.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I defeat Bowser and restore order for Mario, Luigi and friends? I figure, you know, a couple of well placed fire balls…then I jump on that large red button with the exclamation point and drop that guy into the lava. Done and done.
Now it’s time to run head first into that brick wall – I’ve got some bills to pay.