Here’s the deal. Way back yonder in April I battled spam. Since then, spam has slowly been plotting its revenge, growing ever stronger in the dark recesses of the internet and gathering its armies in the comments section of this very blog. To their credit, WordPress has fought bravely, decimating spam’s mighty forces – but, in the past seven months, a few of spam’s tireless soldiers have made their way to my front lines. (Is it okay with everybody if I drop the military metaphor, now? I hate it when extended personification takes over like this. It’s almost like a war of words in which my attempt to be creative morphs into combat and my figurative language takes up arms against me and…oh, crap, it’s happening again).
I guess the point is – I occasionally get spam in my blog comments. And because this spam is supposed to be a direct response to a specific post, they are all the easier to identify by their generic nature. So, without further ado, for your education and entertainment, I will now share some of this blog comment spam with you. (You will not be able to find any of these in the actual comments section of the blog because, when I’m asked to approve them, I strike them down with a mighty blitzkrieg of…dang it, just read the spam…)
(1) “It is really a great and useful piece of info. I am satisfied that you simply shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us up to date…”
My first hint that this was not from a real person? Their blog was called “Win an iPad 64GB.” My second hint? They were asking me to keep them up to date on a post about how I don’t like the way okra tastes. (And here’s that update they were looking for…I still don’t like okra. Stay tuned for future updates).
(2) “Comfortably, the article is seriously the top on this deserving subject. I match in with your conclusions and will undoubtedly thirstily appear forward to your next updates. Simply saying thanks surely will not basically be sufficient, for the terrific clarity in your writing. I will certainly at once grab your rss feed to stay abreast of any type of updates. Fabulous work and also considerably success in your business enterprise!”
I must admit that this one made me feel good. I mean, how many people out there are thirstily appearing forward to my next updates? If they are, they never bother to tell me. And it’s nice to hear. I considerably appreciate it.
(3) “There are tons of good tv shows to choose from to say it’s the best. No matter what is said though, there is no doubt that this show ranks in the top five of all of them. Yes, there are shows that are a bit newer but this one still has charm. There is comedy, love, and a little darkness, easily moving it up to the top. They don’t just make them like this nowadays.”
What a thoughtful comment. Unfortunately, (a) they fail to ever identify which TV show they’re referring to and (b) the post they were commenting on was not about TV shows. But the best part of this was the blog it came from – Eye Floaters Cure, “A Place for the Latest Information on Eye Floaters Cures.” Very useful. I mean there are just so many eye floater cures out there, it’s nice to know that they’ve finally all been collected in one place. Did you know that, on average, zero people die each year from eye floaters? It’s true.
(4) “Hello there, simply turned into aware of your blog thru Google, and found that it is really informative. I’m gonna watch out for brussels. I will appreciate if you continue this in future. A lot of other folks will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!”
This is actually my most popular comment of all time as I have received this exact comment from five different “people.” I can’t help but wonder why they’re all so worried about brussels…I’m also not quite sure whether or not they failed to capitalize it and are referring to the capital of Belgium, or this is some hip, urban slang for brussels sprouts. Just to be safe, I’d keep my eye on them both…
So, how am I going to do it? How will I stop this ridiculous blog spam from trickling into my life? This may be a Makya McBee Vs. first, but this time, I don’t want to stop it. It’s quite entertaining. And I want to win an iPad almost as much as I want to put an end to the epidemic of eye floaters. Maybe it’s just me, but I thirstily appear forward to my next blog comment spam.