Vs. Blog Comment Spam

Posted: October 18, 2011 in Internet
Tags: , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  Way back yonder in April I battled spam.  Since then, spam has slowly been plotting its revenge, growing ever stronger in the dark recesses of the internet and gathering its armies in the comments section of this very blog.  To their credit, WordPress has fought bravely, decimating spam’s mighty forces – but, in the past seven months, a few of spam’s tireless soldiers have made their way to my front lines.  (Is it okay with everybody if I drop the military metaphor, now?  I hate it when extended personification takes over like this.  It’s almost like a war of words in which my attempt to be creative morphs into combat and my figurative language takes up arms against me and…oh, crap, it’s happening again). 

I guess the point is – I occasionally get spam in my blog comments.  And because this spam is supposed to be a direct response to a specific post, they are all the easier to identify by their generic nature.  So, without further ado, for your education and entertainment, I will now share some of this blog comment spam with you.  (You will not be able to find any of these in the actual comments section of the blog because, when I’m asked to approve them, I strike them down with a mighty blitzkrieg of…dang it, just read the spam…)

(1)   “It is really a great and useful piece of info.  I am satisfied that you simply shared this helpful info with us.  Please keep us up to date…” 

My first hint that this was not from a real person?  Their blog was called “Win an iPad 64GB.”  My second hint?  They were asking me to keep them up to date on a post about how I don’t like the way okra tastes.  (And here’s that update they were looking for…I still don’t like okra.  Stay tuned for future updates).

(2)   “Comfortably, the article is seriously the top on this deserving subject.  I match in with your conclusions and will undoubtedly thirstily appear forward to your next updates.  Simply saying thanks surely will not basically be sufficient, for the terrific clarity in your writing.  I will certainly at once grab your rss feed to stay abreast of any type of updates.  Fabulous work and also considerably success in your business enterprise!” 

Brussels Sprouts

Beware the gathering army...

I must admit that this one made me feel good.  I mean, how many people out there are thirstily appearing forward to my next updates?  If they are, they never bother to tell me.  And it’s nice to hear.  I considerably appreciate it.  

(3)    “There are tons of good tv shows to choose from to say it’s the best.  No matter what is said though, there is no doubt that this show ranks in the top five of all of them.  Yes, there are shows that are a bit newer but this one still has charm.  There is comedy, love, and a little darkness, easily moving it up to the top.  They don’t just make them like this nowadays.”

What a thoughtful comment.  Unfortunately, (a) they fail to ever identify which TV show they’re referring to and (b) the post they were commenting on was not about TV shows.  But the best part of this was the blog it came from – Eye Floaters Cure, “A Place for the Latest Information on Eye Floaters Cures.”  Very useful.  I mean there are just so many eye floater cures out there, it’s nice to know that they’ve finally all been collected in one place.  Did you know that, on average, zero people die each year from eye floaters?  It’s true. 

(4)   “Hello there, simply turned into aware of your blog thru Google, and found that it is really informative.  I’m gonna watch out for brussels.   I will appreciate if you continue this in future.  A lot of other folks will be benefited from your writing.  Cheers!”

This is actually my most popular comment of all time as I have received this exact comment from five different “people.”  I can’t help but wonder why they’re all so worried about brussels…I’m also not quite sure whether or not they failed to capitalize it and are referring to the capital of Belgium, or this is some hip, urban slang for brussels sprouts.  Just to be safe, I’d keep my eye on them both…

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I stop this ridiculous blog spam from trickling into my life?  This may be a Makya McBee Vs. first, but this time, I don’t want to stop it.  It’s quite entertaining.  And I want to win an iPad almost as much as I want to put an end to the epidemic of eye floaters.  Maybe it’s just me, but I thirstily appear forward to my next blog comment spam.

Comments
  1. Laura4NYC says:

    I was halfway through it and I knew this was a post to LIKE! Have you ever got the “key word” spam mail? Some lengthy letter saying how adjusting your key words will get you more hits on google panda… Whatever that is!

    I once got a comment saying: “I have never read so much gibberish in my life! Can’t wait until you post more of this rubbish!”
    And it was categorized as spam, so I am not sure what exactly the “spammer” wanted to achieve, because it definitely did not make me want to purchase their awesome online offers…

    Either way, you will be spammed as soon as you turn on the Internet, so might as well have fun and write a blog about it, right??

    PS: Do not EVER underestimate eye floater cures! lol

  2. I love the fact that whoever has written our spam comments is a foreign who has just whacked their generic term into Google Translate as opposed to actually hiring an English speaker to work out how to convince me to enter a fake iPad competition.

    Yep, all my commentees write like that. Looks real to me, sign me up!

  3. Rachel Heu says:

    I have started to collect my favorite spam comments and I think they are hilariously transparent! I copy and paste them onto the stickies on my desktop. Every time I need a smile, I go back and read a few of them. They are really quite priceless in how poorly written a lot of them are… oh, and so flattering!

  4. JP Feed says:

    I hate the general spam comments that try to apply to any blog post. It’s funny when they get specific to try to sound more convincing (like the brussels thing) that is hilarious and bold which are two qualities that will make me like the comment which is all the advertisers can ever hope to achieve.

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    I have a theory on #4 the Brussels spam–I’ve been to Brussels, Belgium and it is quite lovely. There are chocolate shops everywhere! In Belgium they are famous for mussels (yuck). I think they even eat mussels for breakfast. The word mussels sounds like muscles…therefore I present to you “The Muscles from Brussels”…yep, the one, the only John-Claude Van Damme. The spammers are warning you to watch out for John-Claude Van Damme. I fear the Jean-Claude Van Damme!

  6. Lokyra Stone says:

    You know, I had some witty, slightly clever comment planned out (no, really), then I read Heather’s comment and snrkd and giggled my planned comment out of my head.

    IT IS ALL HEATHER’S FAULT.

    Alas, I have yet to get any truly entertaining spam on mine. So far it’s been the boring, didn’t even try ones.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Laura – No, I’ve never received the “key word” spam and I’ve also never heard of Google Panda – although it sounds ridiculously cute.

      Pretty feet – Yep, they really don’t seem to put much effort into making them believable…but I kind of enjoy their cavalier attitude.

      Rachel – Feel free to add any of mine that you don’t already have to your collection…it’s almost like trading baseball cards…

      JP – You’re right. I mean, they can hope that we’ll click on their site and then enter their contest or help with their eye floaters cure…but at least they succeed at being unintentionally entertaining.

      Heather – Your logic is impeccable. Fortunately, I was already avoiding Van Damme.

      Lokyra – I’m sorry that Heather made you snrk…I don’t know exactly what it is…but it sounds painful.

    • heathersnyder1 says:

      Hahaha! I do apologize Lokyra ;), but the world must be warned against him. If I can save just one soul from the wrath of The Van Damme, then my work here is done. I can sleep at night.

      @Makya, thank you and I’m glad you are already avoiding J.C.V.D. I’ve seen what he does to a movie, I shudder to think what he can do to a person.

  7. reddkool says:

    Comfortably, the article is seriously the top on this deserving subject.  I match in with your conclusions and will undoubtedly thirstily appear forward to your next updates.  Simply saying thanks surely will not basically be sufficient, for the terrific clarity in your writing.  I will certainly at once grab your rss feed to stay abreast of any type of updates.  Fabulous work and also considerably success in your business enterprise!

    This isn’t spam and I DO mean every word of it, I think. Your welcome.

  8. Hooker says:

    Most annoying part of the internet, and blogging, hands down.

  9. Outlier Babe says:

    The sign of quality writing: That you purposely avoided the lame-humor opportunity when you said, at the end of the “Brussels vs. brussel sprouts” section, “I’d keep my eye on them both”, yet chose not to refer punnily back to those eye floaters. Impressive restraint.

  10. Haha I have gotten that exact brussels on before as well. I like the fact that Akismet puts them all in a handy folder for me to laugh at and discard.

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