Here’s the deal. I’ve never been too fond of my own middle name. My first and last names create a rhythm worthy of a blog title, but my middle name just gets in the way. As all middle names do. I mean, what’s the point? How many names do we need?
I’ve never understood the purpose of the middle name. Is it like a spare tire? Is it there to take over for the first name, should it be unable to perform its duties? As far as I can tell, middle names just sit there, waiting to take up extra space on official documents.
Let’s be honest, middle names are just a wasteland of rejected first names. We shouldn’t even call them middle names, we should refer to them as, “Not Good Enough to Be First Names.” If they were good enough, we’d put them up front. And if they’re not good enough, I don’t think we need them at all.
And now, more than ever, it’s time to take a stand. Because some people are becoming (audible gasp!) middle name dependent. Have you, for example, ever heard of my friends Neil Harris and Sarah Parker? Probably not. But stick in their middle names – Patrick and Jessica – and suddenly they’re celebrities. And the list of middle name dependent famous people is growing every day.
Where would Jamie Curtis, Tommy Jones, Marry Henner and Mary Retton be without their Lees and their Lous? And respected thespian Daniel Lewis certainly proves that every actor has his Day. But where is this trend taking us?
Soon, we’ll be dropping our given names entirely. Like F. Scott Fitzgerald, our first names will become mere afterthoughts (or, because they still appear in front…beforethoughts?). Oh, F. why do you shun your first name so? (Well, I can’t blame Fitzgerald entirely, his parents did cruelly name him Francis). And once we do this, it’s a slippery slope. One of the most famous authors of all time, J.R.R. Tolkien, was so ashamed of his own middle name that he took to hiding them all and now almost everyone knows his work, and almost no one knows his name.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I eradicate pointless middle names everywhere? Well, it’s up to all of us. When we have children, we simply need to resist the urge to overname them. Remember, being in the middle causing nothing but trouble. For example, there’s the middle child syndrome – where the second born out of three has an identity crisis because they’re sandwiched, like a middle name, between two better defined entities. Everyone knows that middle school is the most trying time of one’s life. People are consistently trying to eliminate the middle man. And nobody wants to get the middle finger. So, let’s do it, people. Let’s get rid of them. Before that affront found in the middle ends us all.