Here’s the deal. Most of my best friends are movie characters. My only enemies are cinematic villains. And some of my best memories are times when I’ve confused reality for a scene in one of my favorite films. Therefore it should come as no surprise that I also anticipate the future that movies have predicted for us…and it’s going to be a tough seven or eight years.
The Postman takes place in the year 2013. It’s a post-apocalyptic world in which war lords rule over a desolate landscape, humanity struggles to maintain some shred of hope for their future, and Kevin Costner has been forced to take a job delivering mail. So I suggest that if you have any really important packages, you get those sent in the next fourteen months – Kevin can only handle so many parcels.
If we survive that world, two years later we’ll have to deal with crime-ridden cities the only way we know how…with a half man, half machine police force. That’s right, 2015 brings us Robocop. I know, cyborg law enforcement sounds ideal. But believe me, it’s anything but. Have we not learned anything from the 4,869 versions of Frankenstein that have been written and filmed over the years? Has it turned out well even once? Do we ever, in these movies, hear the protagonist reflect, “Hey, look, I played God and created life…and it’s turned out to be a really positive experience.”
At the same time, according to the cinema, we’ll be facing even more trouble. 2015 is also the year in which Back to the Future II is set. And, with the exception of those cool hoverboards, this is not a pleasant reality. Biff Tannen has all the power. Yes, that Biff Tannen (boy, if you don’t watch many movies, this whole post is not going to make a lot of sense).
Things will get even more dire in 2017. Criminals will be forced to fight for their life in an ultra-violent game show. If you thought Richard Dawson was creepy making out with all of the women on Family Feud, wait until you see him making out with convicted felons in The Running Man. Yes, people, we’re only a few short years away from a future where electricity-blasting, bounty hunters stalk the criminal and innocent alike for the entertainment of the masses, and, strangely enough, they’ll simultaneously be singing opera.
Two years later (for some unknown reason, even numbered years are relatively safe), Los Angeles will be torn from the continental U.S. and turned into a penal colony. In the year 2019, LA will be a dangerous place ruled by the world’s most deadly criminals, and only a one-eyed Kurt Russell will be able to save us (What is Escape From LA, Alex).
And, should we be fortunate enough to survive the war lords, the late mail, the robotic police, Biff Tannen’s greed, Richard Dawson’s ire and being exiled to a land of degenerates…we’ll be faced with the most frightening future of all. In 2022, Soylent Greenwill be available at your local grocer. And if you don’t know what it’s made out of…you need to join Netflix.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I survive the next decade of cinematic apocalyptic doom? Luckily, I’ve seen all of these movies, so I know precisely what is required to stay alive. There is only one upcoming futuristic movie I haven’t seen, and it is perhaps the most frightening of all. It is the one that fills my heart with dread. It presents a future that I simply don’t know how to deal with. In a few short years, we’ll be in 2017, where the movie Barb Wire takes place. The most terrifying vision…the one sure sign of the apocalypse…the one future we may not be able to survive…a world where Pamela Anderson is a movie star…