Here’s the deal. You know those lines painted on the pavement in the parking lot? Those are there for a reason. They mark the boundaries of an individual parking space. Your goal, as a driver bringing your car to a rest, is to guide your vehicle into that spot, so that your car is betweenthose two lines. If your car is overlapping one of those lines, you are officially taking up two parking spaces, throwing the whole system off, and destroying society.
Sure, maybe your kindergarten teacher, in an attempt to make an excuse for your below average dexterity foster your creativity, told you it’s okay to color outside the lines. That was all well and good for coloring in Tinkerbell’s wand in your Peter Pan coloring book, but we’re not in Never Never Land anymore. This is the real world. You’re an adult. Keep your car between the lines.
I understand that this may not be a big issue for everyone. My parents and siblings live in the wilderness like the Swiss Family Robinson (and, yes, some of them do live in trees with a complicated series of pulleys and levers…I applaud their ingenuity but the internet service is sketchy at best) – when they park their cars the nearest adjacent car is typically six to seven miles away. But I live in Los Angeles, where there are nearly ten million people and just under eight thousand parking spots.
Parking is serious business here. Typical street parking signs read like a novella with restrictions based on time of day, day of the week, side of the street and phase of the moon. And (this is not an exaggeration) it is not uncommon to pay upwards of six dollars per fifteen minutes of parking at downtown garages. You often need a calendar and a calculator (and a second income) just to figure out where you can park in this city. So, clearly, following the rules of parking is important here. And when I see a vehicle sloppily spread out over two parking spaces, I want to take a chainsaw and sever off the part of the car that is overlapping and pile that scrap metal into the one parking space…but I rarely do this. Usually I just grimace.
I have no idea what makes a person think they are special enough to take up two spaces. I don’t know if it’s a vision problem or just a complete indifference to where other people put their cars…either way, I don’t want to have anything to do with these people (I would, however, welcome them as competitors in a Tetris tournament).
So, how am I going to do it? How will I teach these people how to park? I have an idea for a new type of parking lot with what I call hot spots. If a car’s tires are parked on the line, this will trigger a hidden, underground heating coil so that, when the guilty party returns to their vehicle, they’ll find that the tires that overlapped into the adjacent spot have been melted off of their car. I’m guessing this will only have to happen to a person once – they’ll probably be a little more careful next time they park. It might sound drastic, but I can’t take any more of these ridiculously common and utterly thoughtless parking practices…if this plan doesn’t work, I might just have to move in to my sister’s tree house.