Here’s the deal. I was flipping through the channels at three in the morning last week (what was I doing up at this time? Frankly, that’s none of your business. I’m surprised you had the gall to ask. Is that how your mom raised you? Just ask questions willy-nilly? Where’s the tact? Where’s the respect?) when I came across the opening credits of Crossfire Trail. Starring Tom Selleck…sure, I know that guy, great actor, greater facial hair…and…Patrick Kilpatrick? I’d never heard of this actor, but one quick search informed me that he’s appeared in almost one hundred films and TV shows over the past thirty years, including Free Willy 3 (I didn’t know they made two sequels to this movie. I haven’t seen any of the Willy movies, but I have to wonder how this same killer whale needed to be freed three times. If I were this orca’s pal, after the first two times, I’d pretty much consider him a lost cause. Come on Willy, seriously? You’re trapped again? I just freed you last month. You really need to watch where you’re swimming). So, anyway, Mr. Kilpatrick is prolific.
And let me get one thing straight – I have nothing against this actor. (Just look below, he’s charming, talented, and not afraid to show a little chest hair). I’m sure he’s both a gentleman and a scholar (and an orca aficionado). No, my issue is simply with his name.
I know what you’re turning to your friend and saying, “Hey, check this out. Makya McBee Vs. is taking on some guy’s name. What a jerk move. You can’t blame a guy for having a strange name.” Normally I, of all people, would agree with you. But you certainly can blame a guy for his name…if he chooses it. That’s right. This thespian was born Robert Kilpatrick and adopted the stage name Patrick Kilpatrick. His choice.
And why did he go with this moniker? When your last name is a command to end the life of Patrick…why would you choose the first name…Patrick? I gotta tell you, if my name was Hank Murderhank, I’d probably change my first name…maybe that’s just me. I don’t know. Maybe Patrick was trying to get a job at the Susan Stranglesusan Theatre Troupe and thought this would give them something to talk about. Perhaps he was trying to get represented by the Hollywood law firm Franklin, Joseph, Henry and Destroyfranklinjosephandhenry. Or he could have been up for a role in the new film by Norwegian director Hans Injurehans.
Or maybe he was just really trying to highlight his Irish and/or Scottish roots – what’s more Irish/Scottish than Kilpatrick? Well…Patrick Kilpatrick is. This would also explain why he named his first born son Liam Riley Colin Killian O’Brian Keegan O’Sullivan Kilpatrick.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I get Patrick Kilpatrick to go back to his original name? I must admit, this is one of the stranger questions I’ve asked on this blog (and that’s saying a lot). I suppose I have no right to tell him to change his name. I suppose I should see it as a sign of strength. I suppose the fact that he adopted this self-sabotaging name and still flourished in a business where your name matters should be an inspirational story. Maybe I’ll change my name to Makya Killmakya in his honor. No, I can’t do it. Baby steps. Maybe I’ll start by going by Makya Woundmakya. Or Makya Slapmakyaaroundalittle. Okay, let’s give this a try. In an attempt to mirror the success of Patrick Kilpatrick, I shall hereby be known as Makya McOuchmakyaishurtinanonlifethreateningway.