Here’s the deal. Men’s clothing uses a highly advanced algorithm…the size of an article of clothing = the number of inches the clothing measures. Women’s clothing uses an even trickier concept…the size of an article of clothing = some random number pulled out of a hat (and don’t get me started on the size of the hat).
And women’s clothing sizes don’t even match from store to store. Sally could be a size 6 at Nordstrom and a size 10 at Banana Republic. Could be quite a Gap. When it comes to sizing, she might have to Guess. And I’m open to suggestions for a third women’s clothing related pun here, please write your entry on a 3” by 5” postcard and mail to: Women’s Clothing Related Pun Contest, P.O. Box 843, New York, NY 10012 – no purchase necessary.
So, what’s up with size zero? (And don’t get me started on size double zero…or hat sizes). It’s called vanity sizing, the designers keep lowering the sizes so that shoppers will feel better about their number – but where is it heading? At what point does it get absurd? Size absolute zero? Size negative seven? Size who must not be named?
Are women so concerned about their number that they want to be a size nothing? “Yes, I’m a size zilch. I wear a nil. My measurements do not exist.” We need to put an end to this women’s clothing downsizing brouhaha (speaking of which, my brother-in-law and I are considering opening a tavern that features homemade ale and nightly stand-up comedy…we’ll call it the Brew Ha Ha).
Of course, the bigger problem with wanting to be smaller – these women do not look good. I’m attracted to women who look healthy – not overweight, not underweight. I, for one, would not want to date someone who could hide behind a single bamboo stalk. I don’t want to be able to count your ribs from across the room. I want a gal who eats three square meals a day (don’t get me started on triangular meals….or size double zero…or hat sizes).
Here’s the skinny on the skinny – viewing the emaciated as attractive is a relatively new trend. How did this happen to us? Remember when they airbrushed Kate Winslet against her will? She didn’t need to be airbrushed. If the Titanic version of Kate is what we’re going to refer to as “full figured” – then sign me up. She can join me for a sketch session on an ill-fated cruise any day of the week.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I put an end to size zero? I’m doing what I can – I carry a few extra pounds as a role model to the ladies. And Victoria Beckham is doing her part – banning size zero models from her runway shows as they are too thin. (From the first time I heard the Spice Girls singing about what they want, what they really, really want…I knew these chicks were alright). And the third key to solving this problem…will be drawn randomly from all entries in the Choose the Third Key to Eradicating Size Zero Contest. One entry per household. Employees of Makya McBee Vs. and their immediate family members are not eligible. All participants must be at least 18 years of age and at least a size 4.