Here’s the deal. It has recently come to my attention that there is a new Brawny man. Apparently, Georgia-Pacific made this change back in 2003. I don’t know if the fact that it’s taken eight years for me to notice speaks more to my observational skills or the frequency of my paper towel purchases…either way, I’m not happy with the new guy.
Here’s the Brawny man I grew up with (and I don’t know what I mean when I say that I “grew up” with him, as best as I can recall there was never a roll of these paper towels in my house…that’s the power of advertising, never once bought it, but still feel like I know this man).
The hair that magically transports you back to the seventies. The blue, denim jacket that screams tough, yet comfortable. The mustache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
Assuming there’s going to be a headshot of a random stud on my paper towels – he’s the one I want.
And here’s the new guy.
The disappointing lack of facial hair. The unnaturally wide jaw. The red flannel with overly-conservative white undershirt. The hands fixed, bizarrely, on hips. The uncanny resemblance to Lou Ferrigno’s younger brother.
And, worst of all, he now sings. Old Brawny man didn’t sing. He was too busy smiling comfortably at the camera and chopping down trees. New Brawny man is a joke, check out his commercial –
I don’t know what the goal of this ad is, but a whole row of animated, singing Brawny men is creepy. If I were in that grocery store, I’d run in terror, expecting those tiny Brawny men to leap from their packaging and attack me with a thousand little Brawny bites. (Plus, there’s nothing like a song about the importance of having someone to help you carry on in times of pain and sorrow to overestimate the importance of your choice when it comes to wiping up minor kitchen spills).
So why did they mess with success? When your product is fortunate enough to have a recognizable mascot, why would you change it? Mr. Peanut has been around since 1916 and he still looks the same (granted, his monocle did switch sides…they must have done some research that indicates that the only thing that sells nuts better than a personified legume gentleman with top hat, cane and monocle over its left eye is a personified legume gentleman with top hat, cane and monocle over its right eye).
So, how am I going to do it? How will I get 70’s (who was also 80’s, 90’s and even early 2000’s) Brawny man back? Drastic times call for drastic measures (I bet drastic measures are disappointed they never just get called over in good times, you know, for lemonade or something). It’s time to call the meeting. Just as the mafia have their five families, so too do the advertising mascots. The Genovese Family, led by Mr. Peanut. The Gambino Family, run by Mr. Clean. The Lucchese Family, under the direction of the Michelin Man. The Colombo Family headed by the Quaker Oats Man. And the Bonanno Family, controlled by Mrs. Butterworth. Under the protection of the Jolly Green Giant, we’ll have Chef Boyardee cook up a traditional Italian meal and hammer out an agreement.
And if the new bare-upper-lipped Brawny Man doesn’t head back to that tree line in the distance and make way for the original to take his rightful place as the brawniest logo ever…we’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…and things could get messy…so we’ll bring some paper towels….I hear Bounty makes a good product…