Vs. The New Brawny Man

Posted: August 13, 2011 in Odds and Ends
Tags: , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  It has recently come to my attention that there is a new Brawny man.  Apparently, Georgia-Pacific made this change back in 2003.  I don’t know if the fact that it’s taken eight years for me to notice speaks more to my observational skills or the frequency of my paper towel purchases…either way, I’m not happy with the new guy.

Here’s the Brawny man I grew up with (and I don’t know what I mean when I say that I “grew up” with him, as best as I can recall there was never a roll of these paper towels in my house…that’s the power of advertising, never once bought it, but still feel like I know this man). 

The hair that magically transports you back to the seventies.  The blue, denim jacket that screams tough, yet comfortable.  The mustache that would make Tom Selleck jealous. 

Assuming there’s going to be a headshot of a random stud on my paper towels – he’s the one I want.

And here’s the new guy. 

The disappointing lack of facial hair.  The unnaturally wide jaw.  The red flannel with overly-conservative white undershirt.  The hands fixed, bizarrely, on hips.  The uncanny resemblance to Lou Ferrigno’s younger brother. 

And, worst of all, he now sings.  Old Brawny man didn’t sing.  He was too busy smiling comfortably at the camera and chopping down trees.  New Brawny man is a joke, check out his commercial –

I don’t know what the goal of this ad is, but a whole row of animated, singing Brawny men is creepy.  If I were in that grocery store, I’d run in terror, expecting those tiny Brawny men to leap from their packaging and attack me with a thousand little Brawny bites.  (Plus, there’s nothing like a song about the importance of having someone to help you carry on in times of pain and sorrow to overestimate the importance of your choice when it comes to wiping up minor kitchen spills).

So why did they mess with success?  When your product is fortunate enough to have a recognizable mascot, why would you change it?  Mr. Peanut has been around since 1916 and he still looks the same (granted, his monocle did switch sides…they must have done some research that indicates that the only thing that sells nuts better than a personified legume gentleman with top hat, cane and monocle over its left eye is a personified legume gentleman with top hat, cane and monocle over its right eye).  

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I get 70’s (who was also 80’s, 90’s and even early 2000’s) Brawny man back?  Drastic times call for drastic measures (I bet drastic measures are disappointed they never just get called over in good times, you know, for lemonade or something).  It’s time to call the meeting.  Just as the mafia have their five families, so too do the advertising mascots.  The Genovese Family, led by Mr. Peanut.  The Gambino Family, run by Mr. Clean.  The Lucchese Family, under the direction of the Michelin Man.  The Colombo Family headed by the Quaker Oats Man.  And the Bonanno Family, controlled by Mrs. Butterworth.  Under the protection of the Jolly Green Giant, we’ll have Chef Boyardee cook up a traditional Italian meal and hammer out an agreement. 

And if the new bare-upper-lipped Brawny Man doesn’t head back to that tree line in the distance and make way for the original to take his rightful place as the brawniest logo ever…we’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…and things could get messy…so we’ll bring some paper towels….I hear Bounty makes a good product…

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Comments
  1. heathersnyder1 says:

    The new Brawny Man scares me. I grew up with the Brawny Man from the 70’s – – ” The hair that magically transports you back to the seventies. The blue, denim jacket that screams tough, yet comfortable. The mustache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.” – – Yes, that’s the Brawny Man I love. Please Makya McBee, help bring sexy 70’s Brawny Man back.

  2. angelina says:

    I think the new brawny man looks like he should be on americas most wanted list. He looks like he should be in the park wearing a trench coat asking you if you need a watch. He looks creepy. And they also took off the cookie crook. I gues that was being insensitive to criminals. And why on earth would they put strawberry shortcake in pants???? She looked berry sweet as she was.

  3. JP Feed says:

    The new Brawny guy (I love how we’re calling him new he’s been around for 8 years) now that I look at him looks like that shallow, boring, doucebag muscle head Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. You know what I’m talking about? He tries to woo the girl he can’t have so he goes on a hissy fit and tries to kill the beast, the only creature the girl really loves. You can’t fool me Brawny Guy! Bill Withers is turning in his readily prepared grave.

  4. Dor says:

    The new Brawny Man is so clever! Makes me want to find radical changes like that in products I’m used to.

  5. Lokyra Stone says:

    Holy crap JP is totally right. GASTON HAS TAKEN OVER BRAWNY!
    It must have been a hostile takeover. I hope the old Brawny Man is ok. OMG. I hope he’s not dead!

    Also, how did I never notice the changeover? Does that make me part of the problem?

    And Gaston singing is just as creepy as ever. Except now he’s trying to be “The Nice Guy” to win over the chicks. It’s not working Gaston! We see through your tricks!

    • Makya McBee says:

      Heather – Oh, he’s coming back…and his mustache looks better than ever.

      Angelina – Hmmm, the cookie crook, I’ll have to look into that, he could easily be mixed up in this whole Brawny MIA situation…

      JP – I worked on the campaign for the Blu-Ray release of Beauty and the Beast last year, so ended up watching that movie repeatedly – which makes it all the more surprising that I didn’t recognize that dastardly Gaston. It’s all the more evident when he sings, his over-weighted jaw swaying back and forth. We need to create Beast brand paper towels to aid us in this battle.

      Dor – I hope you mean that this post is clever…not the new Brawny Man. He’s not clever. He’s a second-rate Disney antagonist taking jobs from hard-working, denim-clad lumberjacks.

      Lokyra – I didn’t notice either. They slid him in there, all tricky like, under the cover of night, thinking we would just go about our business. It’s like that line from Shawshank Redemption – how often do you look at a guy’s shoes? Same thing here, how often do you look at the man on the paper towel packaging? Well, we’re looking now…

      • Lokyra Stone says:

        Maybe the Cookie Crook was turning states evidence against Brawny Gaston and his League of Insufferables. He is currently on the run, trying to prove his innocence in the frameup Brawny Gaston engineered. He intends to take down Brawny Gaston the only way he knows how.

        And it’s quite obvious somebody on the Beauty and Beast release crew was slipping mind-altering drugs to everyone to keep you from noticing the connection.

        WE SEE YOU BRAWNY GASTON.

        It may have taken us awhile, but we are wise to your tricks now!

        Also, I now have to watch Shawshank Redemption again. I love that movie.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        Yayyy I’m glad the 70’s fantastic mustachioed Brawny Man is coming back. All of his followers can come out of hiding and there will be rejoicing in the streets. This is a good day, a good day indeed!

  6. I am only in High School and didn’t realized they changed him. This post was great, Mr. McBee, to a point where I could eat it and have no need for dessert.

  7. theoneyearchallenge says:

    The new Brawny Man looks oily.

  8. charlywalker says:

    Where’s Brawny Woman??? I’ll stick to non-gender specific towels..it’s easier..

    Spread the humor;charlywalker.wordpress.com

  9. Luda says:

    I can’t think of a single situation in which no facial hair > facial hair. Probably because there is no such situation in existence. Bring back the ‘stache!

    • Makya McBee says:

      Redd – Even when I taught high school I was hesitant to be called Mr. McBee. It’s Makya. Or O Captain, my Captain. Or Mr. McBee. Thanks for the compliment, kool.

      Challenge – Yeah, he should be the STP Man.

      Charly – What? How would you know which paper towels to buy if you didn’t know if they were boy paper towels or girl paper towels?

      Luda – It’s good to know at least one female in strong support of facial hair…my jowls are my pallette, my stubble my paint…I don’t really know how to finish this…

  10. Laura4NYC says:

    Seems like they ran out of money to do an accurate voice-over, too.
    I agree with you that they should bring a different guy onto those paper towels. And the shirt is lame, better to just throw it out in total and have his nacked six pack show with some manly muscles! 😀 As you can tell, I am still European in some ways… 😉
    Bounty is more common where I am from, but I don’t think they have a hot guy as a mascot.. 😦

  11. He does have a big ass face, this new chump.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Laura – Correct, the voice is comically mismatched with the face. And I’ve always been pro topless advertising.

      Veracity – Hit him where it hurts – in his oversized, handsome face.

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