Here’s the deal. There are ten federal holidays. These are the big ones, when most Americans get a day off of work, and they’re spread out over eight months (January and November are holiday hogs, taking two each). Months without a federal holiday still get a minor holiday. March has St. Patrick’s Day. April has Easter. June has Father’s Day. And August has…nothing.
That’s right, today we embark on a month without holidays. And it’s just not fair.
It’s a long month too. Thirty-one days. Thirty-one long, sweltering, holiday-free days.
February, the shortest month, has Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday. There’s barely time to recover from one party before getting the next one started – how do you think that makes August feel? (Bad…that’s how it makes August feel…bad).
Sure, you can do a Google search and find piles of unknown, strange holidays in August. Every month has a bunch of these crazy, fictional holidays. But they’re like men’s nipples – nobody knows why they’re here, where they come from or what to do with them.
And even the ridiculous holidays in August are nothing to write home about. August is, for example, National Goat Cheese Month. Oh, goody. Gather around the hearth, kids, it’s time to celebrate Goat Cheese Month with…goat cheese…hooray?
And why shouldn’t August get a good holiday? August is a wonderful month. Let me share with you some fascinating facts about the eighth month. (1) Did you know that the birthstone for August is peridot? Wait, that can’t be right. What the hell is peridot? Is that even a word? Okay, I stand corrected…there are no fascinating facts about August. And that’s all the more reason it needs a holiday. If there is any month that needs a break from itself, it’s August. This is August first, and I’m already getting tired of it. Imagine how we’ll feel in a couple of weeks.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I give August a holiday? Never fear, I did some research and found a trend. On August 1st, 1981, MTV debuted. On August 5th, 1985, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was established. On August 12th, 1877, Thomas Edison invented sound recording. Woodstock took place from August 15th – 17th in 1967. The first licensed radio broadcast was August 20th, 1920. On August 22nd, 1906, the record player was patented. You see where I’m going with this? Of course, August should have a holiday celebrating Bolivian equestrians…or, even better, music. Yeah, Music Day – the second Monday in August. If everyone gets on board, we could get this thing passed by Congress (they don’t seem to be too busy) before the month is over. We can celebrate with concerts in the park, recitals, and excessive humming. I can’t wait.
It’s either this or Peridot Day. Seriously, is that a real thing?