Here’s the deal. I haven’t addressed a reader’s suggestion in some time, so I wanted to take a moment to apologize for not having versused all of your ideas. There are a couple of reasons I won’t be able to get to all of them. Firstly, I only take on small issues. There are plenty of big, scary problems in the world. And there are plenty of people writing about them. That’s not my bag. Rather, I take on the seemingly inconsequential and blow it all out of proportion so we have even more to worry about. But at least, with my topics, we have the illusion of some control. There’s not much any of us can do about the big issues, but it’s pretty easy to stop buying candy corn.
Secondly, I’m not always bothered by the things my readers suggest. I know what you’re thinking…is it, “What, you have readers?” Well, that’s a silly thing to think. You’re reading this right now – do you doubt your own existence? Wait, I know what you were actually thinking – “Why don’t you just pretend to be bothered my all of the reader’s suggestions?” Well, that would go against my blogger’s oath. I can’t just feign ire. Come on. I’m a journalist. Kind of.
In some instances I don’t even know what it is that’s been suggested. David suggested burpless cucumbers. I didn’t know such a thing existed. I didn’t even know that regular cucumbers made people burp. This type of subject is way out of my league. R. Washington wanted me to take on McDonald’s oatmeal. I didn’t know McDonalds sold oatmeal. And while I do enjoy my research, I was not willing to eat at McDonalds – even in the name of kind of journalism. Heather suggested movie ghosts that move too fast. I have to be honest, I just don’t know how fast ghosts are supposed to move. Should ghosts move slowly? What if it’s the ghost of an Olympic sprinter? The topic just raised too many questions that I couldn’t answer.
So, I hope the fact that I don’t get to all of them, won’t stop you from sending them in. Any time something bugs you and you think I might be able to tackle it, just let me know. This week’s suggestion, by the way, comes from Wes and I think we all know what he’s talking about. Reality television is notorious for drawn out, over-dramatic reveals.
If you want to find out which top model is toppest, who will get the last rose, how much weight was lost, who’s being voted off the island, what the extreme makeover will look like, who’s being evicted from the house, which one is the mole, who thinks they can dance, what the next stage of the race will be, who will be fired, which comic will be left standing, who got the least votes, which housewife will win the hair-pulling battle, or which part of America has talent…you’re going to have to wait until after the commercials.
What bothers me most about these slow reveals is that the reality show “stars” and the audience still fall for it. When Ryan Seacrest says, “And the person going home is…to be revealed, right after these messages,” the audience moans as if they somehow thought he was going to announce it right away. For some inexplicable reason, they’ve all forgotten that he’s done this 3,489 times in a row – there’s a pretty strong precedent here. If I were one of the idols, I’d just head back to my seat as soon as he started talking…seriously, we all know he’s not going to announce it before we squeeze in one more spot with someone using AT&T service as they sip a Coke from the back seat of their new Ford.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I stop them from teasing us with, “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever,” and drawing out every little, five second decision for forty minutes? I’m not going to stop them. I love this stuff. You see, I just remembered that I live in Los Angeles and am trying to break into this business. Seacrest is a gatekeeper, friends. And if it works for Seacrest, if works for me. Sorry, but I’ve gotta let this one slide. You don’t go against the idol maker. Come on, you saw what happened to Dunkleman.