Here’s the deal. In 1998, the first blog was created by Jebediah Blogersven (sample quote from the world’s first blog entry – “Has anybody seen this new show, Dawson’s Creek? OMG it’s awweessoomme”). He went on to create the ten commandments of blogging (“Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s modem”) and write the blogger’s etiquette guide, in which he suggested that each blogger provide their readers with a progress update every 39 days. After writing my 39 and 78 day updates, I was faced with the task of composing my 117 day update. But I was torn. It was my duty as a blogger. But, in my native Scotland, 117 is considered an extremely unlucky number, because the very first kilt took 117 hours to sew and contained 117 stitches. We’ve been wearing kilts ever since but, come on, we know they look ridiculous. So, instead, I offer you my 126 day update…yeah…it’s for all those factual, completely not made up reasons…not because I just forgot that another 39 days had passed…
Remember when I took on glass ketchup bottles? Well, I just learned that Collinsville, Illinios is home to the world’s largest ketchup bottle. And, last week, they had the World’s Largest Ketchup Bottle Festival. If you would like to see perhaps the least riveting news story ever, check out the local station’s hype for this festival here. I say Collinsville must be stopped. They are celebrating ketchup bottles in a huge, grotesque manner. Have they no shame? While the rest of us are tormented by these condiment containers, Collinsville celebrates their Pagan rituals in the shadow of their ketchup bottle god. We must bring the fight to them…or, at the very least, not ride the merry go round at their festival.
And our valiant work against flip flops is also not complete. Per this story, Snooki has just launched her own line of flip flops. That’s right, Snooki – whose only claim to fame is…actually, she doesn’t have a claim to fame, fame just sort of fell in her lap (or got stuck in her hair). This pocket-sized reality star is trying to make flip flops cool again. Well I say, no, Snooki. No to your flip flops. No to your brand. No to your shrill pitch. Those shoes are as flimsy as your celebrity and I’m not buying either.
How about my most recent entry, where I competently versused ineffective alarms. Well, the world has listened. Check out this story about the new smoke detector that holds up to four phone numbers and sends out personalized text messages when smoke is detected. Perhaps it speaks poorly of our society that we respond better to a text message than a beeping alarm, but whatever works. (“OMG, there’s smoke in the pantry…and the newest episode of Dawson’s Creek was awweessoomme.”)
And who can forget my classic take on Kool-Aid (other than, obviously, the majority of humanity, who has yet to read it)? Well, you can see here that my warnings have gone unheeded. The newest delicacy? Fried Kool-Aid. What else can I say? Fried Kool-Aid. I’m pretty sure that’s the second sign of the Apocalypse.
Of course, the blogosphere is still all atwitter (and Twitter, coincidentally, is all ablog) about my exposé on state symbols. But the states aren’t slowing down any. Just last week, North Carolina declared stock car racing their state sport (full story here). And, this is unverified, I’m pretty sure that Illinois has elected a new State Oversized Novelty Festival – the World’s Largest Ketchup Bottle Festival.
You think I was making up the fact that politicians refer to themselves in the third person? Check out this recent interview with Herman Cain, where he is actually asked when he started referring to himself in the third person.
Lastly, let’s check in on the kangaroos. You can read here about how the Eastern Grey kangaroo population in Australia is out of control. That’s right, these marsupials are bent on world domination! Or, at the very least…Australian domination! As a solution, they’re introducing kangaroo birth control. I didn’t read the whole story, but I sure hope it’s called the diaphragm-aroo.
As always, my many thanks to those of you who read, comment and recommend this blog to others. Together we are taking on the mild annoyances of the day and victory is within reach. So ask your friends to take a chance on this blog and help us change the world one word at a time. Because, remember, you can’t spell “world” without “word.” There’s only one letter difference between “chance” and “change.” And you only need one “m” to turn “Dawson’s Creek” into “awesome.”