Here’s the deal. You can only eat so much candy in your life. Whether it be for health reasons, you’re watching your weight, common sense, or simply hours in the day – there’s a mathematical limit to the amount of candy one can ingest. Why, then, would you waste any of your candy-eating opportunities with candy corn?
I’ve got multiple problems with this “food.” First of all, who do you think you’re fooling with that name? It’s good for you because it’s candy corn. (Don’t forget to sample our caramel broccoli and marshmallow asparagus). You can’t just tag a grain on the end of your candy, that’s silly. Yummy, candy barley. I don’t know why people are falling for this.
And what’s with that shape? Sure, they say it’s supposed to resemble a kernel of corn, but I’ve always thought it looked like a tooth. A decaying tooth, at that. And the last thing I want to chew on is some multi-colored, old tooth.
But people love it. Nine billion kernels of candy corn are produced each year. If you lined up, end to end, all of the candy corn that Brach’s sells in one year…it would wrap around the Earth more than four times. How is that helpful? Do we really need an unnaturally orange, candy coated equator? I don’t think so.
In my research I came upon this Food Network video where they describe the process by which candy corn is made. You know what the mixture is called before it’s formed into kernels – slurry. Nothing says delicious like slurry. As the dictionary defines it, slurry is “a thin mixture of an insoluble substance, as cement, clay, or coal, with a liquid, as water or oil.” Scrumptious. This, the video goes on to say, is mixed with a special ingredient to help with “mouth feel.” Listen up candy makers, I don’t want any of your secret ingredients feeling up my mouth, thank you very much. You can keep your secret tooth slurry. I’m good.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I rid candy stores everywhere of this mix of sugar, food coloring, sugar, vanilla, sugar and sugar? It should be easy. Just look at the alternatives. Look at the flavorful chocolates, the delectable caramels, the tangy, fruity treats, the vast array of sweet tastes just waiting for you to enjoy…and then look at the little wad of yellow sugar in triangular form. The choice is obvious. Candy corn is an insult to both candy and corn. And I say we must stop buying it. We must stop eating it. With any luck, it’ll soon be a relic of the past, like the candy cigarette.
Our children will ask us, “Is it true that, when you were a kid, you could buy corn that was made out of candy?”
We’ll respond with a knowing nod, “Yep, kiddo, that is true.”
“What was it made out of?” our offspring will query.
“Well,” we’ll answer as we set them on our knee, “It was sugar slurry with food coloring, and it wrapped around the world four times.”
Little Susie/Bobby will shiver at the thought, “That sounds terrible.”
We’ll give them a reassuring hug, “It was terrible. It was truly terrible…but it’s all gone now, sweetie. You don’t have to worry about it….would you like a Tootsie Pop?”
That, my friends, is a future I can believe in.