Here’s the deal. Most people think of household dust as a minor nuisance. Not so, friends. Dust is an alarming potpourri of debris that infiltrates our homes like an unwanted guest. And, unlike a guest, it won’t even help with the dishes or join us in a game of Scrabble. It just sits there, confident in the fact that even were we to wipe it away it would be back in just a few days. Diabolical.
In order to defeat dust, we’ll have to get down and dirty. We’ll have to do more than just put on French maid outfits and bandy about with frilly, pink dusters (although I see no reason why we can’t do that as well), we’ll have to…use science.
Firstly, we must examine dust’s ingredients. A study by professors David Layton and Paloma Beamer concluded that, while household dust differs depending on a number of factors, it generally consists of: bits of human skin, animal fur, decomposing insects, food debris, lint, organic fibers from clothes, bedding and other fabrics, tracked-in soil, soot, and particulate matter from smoking and cooking. That’s the stuff building up on every available surface in your house even as you read this…you have been warned.
What’s my skin doing on the bookshelf and atop the TV? I need my skin to keep my blood and organs from popping out and making a mess. And decomposing insects? That’s just rude. Listen up insects, please decompose somewhere else. Anywhere else. This is disturbing.
These dust-studying profs also found that about 60% of the dust in your home comes from outside, through windows, doors, vents and on the soles of your shoes. As usual, the outdoors are simply not to be trusted. What, there’s no room for your animal fur and soil out there? You have to use your wind to slide it in through our vents when we’re not looking? Just another example of mother nature using the great indoors as her dumping ground.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I make dust bite the dust? Well, we can start by renaming dust bunnies. This misleading moniker makes them seem cute and adorable. Now that we know what these “bunnies” are made of, perhaps we can start calling them something more appropriate, like dust trolls. Or dust wads of dead skin, food, dirt, insects, and hair. Yeah, that seems much less cute than a bunny.
But we really need to (a) limit the number of people living in our homes (less people=less skin), (b) do a better job of keeping our skin on our bodies, (c) get rid of our pets and household plants, (d) stop cooking food and eating inside, (e) quit smoking, (f) buy better bug zappers, (g) use lint rollers, (h) stop wearing clothes, (i) get rid of our beds and couches, (j) don’t walk outside, and (k) never open our doors or windows. And we need to do it quickly, before I run out of letters with which to list the things we need to do. So, basically, we just need to become shut in, nudist, fasting hermits with empty homes. Problem solved.