Here’s the deal. I just don’t trust kangaroos. Every time I see a picture of a kangaroo, it’s standing upright and staring directly at the camera. No other animal is this aware of being photographed. I can hear the kangaroo’s internal monologue, “You lookin’ at me? I’m the only one here…” What are they trying to hide? It’s unsettling.
And, obviously, what’s with the pocket? Only a creature with something to hide needs a giant pocket attached to its gut. You don’t see dogs walking around with pockets. Dogs are open books. Kangaroos, however, are secretive. Some think that nature’s reverse fanny pack is cool, I think it’s suspicious.
You know what a group of kangaroos is called? A mob. That’s right, they’re the organized criminals of the marsupial world. A young kangaroo is called a Joey – that sounds like a mob name, huh? “Meet my pal, Joey Kangaoo, he’s, how you say, connected.”
Have you ever seen a newborn kangaroo – they look like a red jellybean. They’re tiny…suspiciously tiny. They crawl into that pouch and hang out for six to seven months before they’re big enough to venture out into the world. Then, they head right back into the pouch for another couple of months – undoubtedly plotting some criminal outings. Pyramid schemes. Grifting. The long con. It’s the kangaroo mob’s bread and butter.
And what’s with all the hopping? Large mammals don’t hop. What, are you too cool to walk? Or is it just because you need a quick get away? Kangaroos can max out at 45 mph hopping. I can barely drive that fast. For the kangaroo, after their latest heist, pouches overflowing with stolen goods, freedom is just a hop, skip and a jump away.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I convince the rest of the world that kangaroos are up to no good? Not this time, friends. I’m dedicated to the mission, but I’m not messing with the mob. Even when you’re talking about the species Kangaroo, the genus Macropu, the family Macropodidae…you never go against the family.