Vs. Kangaroos

Posted: June 6, 2011 in Animals
Tags: , , , ,
Female Eastern Grey Kangaroo with a joey in he...

Image via Wikipedia

Here’s the deal.  I just don’t trust kangaroos.  Every time I see a picture of a kangaroo, it’s standing upright and staring directly at the camera.  No other animal is this aware of being photographed.  I can hear the kangaroo’s internal monologue, “You lookin’ at me?  I’m the only one here…”  What are they trying to hide?  It’s unsettling.

And, obviously, what’s with the pocket?  Only a creature with something to hide needs a giant pocket attached to its gut.  You don’t see dogs walking around with pockets.  Dogs are open books.  Kangaroos, however, are secretive.  Some think that nature’s reverse fanny pack is cool, I think it’s suspicious.

You know what a group of kangaroos is called?  A mob.  That’s right, they’re the organized criminals of the marsupial world.  A young kangaroo is called a Joey – that sounds like a mob name, huh?  “Meet my pal, Joey Kangaoo, he’s, how you say, connected.” 

Have you ever seen a newborn kangaroo – they look like a red jellybean.  They’re tiny…suspiciously tiny.  They crawl into that pouch and hang out for six to seven months before they’re big enough to venture out into the world.  Then, they head right back into the pouch for another couple of months – undoubtedly plotting some criminal outings.  Pyramid schemes.  Grifting.  The long con.  It’s the kangaroo mob’s bread and butter.

And what’s with all the hopping?  Large mammals don’t hop.  What, are you too cool to walk?  Or is it just because you need a quick get away?  Kangaroos can max out at 45 mph hopping.  I can barely drive that fast.  For the kangaroo, after their latest heist, pouches overflowing with stolen goods, freedom is just a hop, skip and a jump away.

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I convince the rest of the world that kangaroos are up to no good?  Not this time, friends.  I’m dedicated to the mission, but I’m not messing with the mob.  Even when you’re talking about the species Kangaroo, the genus Macropu, the family Macropodidae…you never go against the family.

  1. Purple Chimp says:

    They also pack a mean kick. Fortunately they are made of delicious kangaroo meat.

  2. I always though kangaroos use their pouch to hide their ugly babies because they are ashamed of having an ugly kid with an ugly parent.

  3. angelina says:

    A kangaroos cuteness is best kept at a distance. Their good at boxing, need i say more?? They carry 9s and brass knuckles in there pouch and would probably kick my ass or cap it. Probably best to stay away

  4. heathersnyder1 says:

    Ever watch “Kangaroo Jack”–Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo.

    Mobs, $50,000 and Kangaroos…I see a pattern here!

    • Makya McBee says:

      Purple Chimp – Further research indicates that you are correct, sir. Kangaroos are composed, almost completely, of kangaroo meat. Yet another reason to be suspicious…is it mere coincidence that they’re made of meat that’s named after them? Or all part of their master plan?
      Clint – If only it were that simple, my friend. It’s much more nefarious than a simple act of pride.
      Angelina – Yes, most cutenesses are best kept at a distance. In the wild, adorable = deadly.
      Heather – I have been actively not seeing Kangaroo Jack for years…but this connection is surely not a coincidence. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

  5. Purple Chimp says:

    Oh man, I hate to flood your comments section with useless drivel. But I came across some rather interesting kangaroo trivia which I must share with you!

    Male kangaroos have two pronged penises. Female kangeroos have two vaginas and a separate birthing canal.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Kangaroos are cute and all, but what’s up with that song, “Tie me Kangaroo Down, Sport”? Something about an Australian Stockman lying there dying. He’s dying and he has the time to sing a really long song about tying down Kangaroos:

    “All together now – tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down
    Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down

    And keep me cockatoo cool, Curl, keep me cockatoo cool
    Ah, don’t go actin’ the fool, Curl, just keep me cockatoo cool

    All together now – tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down
    Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down.”

    I don’t get it.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Purple Chimp – I appreciate the research, I am regretting, however, my recent decision to do a Google image search on your research…some things can’t be unseen.

      Jennifer – That’s a whole new topic – I may have to do a future entry vs. Australian songs. Their lyrics almost never make sense.

      • Jennifer says:

        That’s true, Vs. Australian Songs would be a great topic. Just to throw it in is a song about Australia from Men At Work, “Land Down Under” in Which they sing the praises of Vegemite Sandwiches, glowing women and plundering men. But, nary a mention of a Kangaroo. Which is IRONIC (did I use that right?) since kangaroos are plentiful in Australia. I think it all has to do with the possible link to the Mob. No one wants to sing a song about the kangaroo mob, no one. Lest you swim with the fishes (or crocodiles & sharks).

      • Makya McBee says:

        It would be more ironic if they mentioned the opposite of a kangaroo…the hard part is figuring out what the opposite of a kangaroo is…

  7. Josha says:

    I think my uncle was a kangaroo.

  8. jimsnyder1 says:

    I love Kangaroos! Leave Kangaroos alone (I scream, crying in the dark under my tent fashioned from my bedsheets).

    I’m just kidding, I don’t have a bedsheet tent!

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