Here’s the deal.  For those of you who were eagerly awaiting my new 39 day update, I apologize for being two days late.  For those of you who were unaware that it was time for a new 39 day update (i.e. all of you), welcome to my new 39 day update.

Image representing Bill Gates as depicted in C...

Image via CrunchBase

Let us begin with my attack on spam.  Per this article, in 2004, Bill Gates announced that “two years from now, Spam will be solved.”  In the meantime, it grew by leaps and bounds.  In April of 2011, Makya McBee declared, “How will I outwit these clever hackers…my job is already done.”  And, this past week, spamming was reduced by nearly 80%!  I’m not entirely sure how, but clearly I’ve done a great service for humankind here.  Anything else I can do for you, Mr. Gates?

In the past month, there’s been a lot of news on the Mountain Dew front.  Mere weeks after I mocked the soda for introducing an absurd number of new flavors, they responded by…introducing yet another new flavor.  I kid you not.  Meet Mountain Dew Coolatta.  And if that wasn’t disrespectful enough, the very ad campaign I confronted went on to win the Grand Prix top advertising prize of something or other (details are here).  It seems this caffeinated juggernaut is unstoppable.

Not even a rather unappetizing lawsuit can stand in their way.  This story reports that a man claims to have found a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew.  The company refuted this claim when they “examined the mouse’s remains [and concluded that it] would have dissolved in the soda if it had been in the can as long as the plaintiff claimed.”  Let me get this straight…their argument is…there couldn’t have been a deceased rodent in your cola, because when we drop dead mice in our sodas their bodies dissolve completely.   Mmmmm, yummy defense.

In terms of my battle vs. Steve Martini there are no updates.  However, as Horton Hears a Who aired last night, I noticed that it was directed by…Steve Martino!  Egad!  Is there no stop to the number of people who will add a vowel to the end of Steve Martin’s name to cash in?  Trust me people, if the next big pop star is Steve Martinu the conspiracy will be complete.  Be wary, my friends.  Be wary.

Cover of

Cover via Amazon

On the eleventh of this month, I posted an insightful piece on the dangers of text message abbreviations.  I wrote, “How will I stop pre-teens everywhere from shortening our words until there’s nothing left?  I fear it may be too late,” this fear was validated when I read here that “LOL” and “OMG” have now been added to the OED.  I further decided to “attack this problem from a different angle… to create a program that converts text message abbreviations into normal English.”  Well, just this past week, a company took my advice and “Veeno” was announced – this software translates English into Indian, with a subprogram that specifically interprets text message abbreviations.  Now, when you text customer support for assistance, you can feel free to abbreviate to your heart’s content. 

How about my brave admission that I don’t care for popcorn?  Well, just two days ago, Mitt Romney was giving a speech to supporters in Des Moines (full story here) when the event was cut short due to a fire alarm…set off by a burning bag of microwave popcorn.  Regardless of your political affiliation, I think we can all agree that movie concession snacks cannot be allowed to disrupt our democracy.  What’s next – Lemon Heads of state?  Sno-Caps and Trade?  Junior Mints running for Junior senator?  Gives a whole new meaning to that familiar song – “Let’s all go to the lobby…and lobby and lobby and lobby…”

When it comes to people not knowing what irony is – I could do a new blog each week.  A quick search reviewed multiple examples from just the past few days.  The USA Today reports that the upcoming NBA finals are ironic for the Miami Heat “in that Dallas was the site for perhaps this season’s most challenging moment.”  Yes, how ironic that they should play against one of the toughest teams in the finals…NO!  Not ironic!  The opposite of ironic!  Exactly what should be expected!    

A recent book review notes that, “It’s both ironic and gratifying that ‘Sixkill,’ the final Spenser novel completed by the late Robert B. Parker, is the best one he’d written in a very long time.”  Ironic how?  You wouldn’t expect an author’s final work to be one of his best because…?  These things are so far from being ironic that I often can’t even guess at how someone could mistakenly find them ironic.

Then, there’s the shopping carts.  As reported here, Rancho Cucamonga has just enacted a new law that will fine stores when their shopping carts are found abandoned in public streets.  Sure.  That makes sense.  We should also fine bank branches when their stolen money is found in other people’s wallets. 

In a seemingly related story, apparently 71% of online shoppers abandon their carts when they learn of the high shipping charges when finalizing their orders.  It’s a crying shame.  People can’t even be trusted to return their virtual shopping carts.

Now, for the big picture stuff.  When I started my blog, I had 560 Google hits.  As of my first 39 day update, I was up to just over 3,000.  I checked today and “Makya McBee” returned 6,160 results.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is Patton Oswalt started at 839,500 Google results, and today he’s up to 2,300,000.  Perhaps I have underestimated my opponent.  It’s almost as if a best-selling author, nationally touring standup comic, successful television actor and world famous movie star is doing a better job of promoting himself than a freelance copywriter with a rarely-viewed blog.  Who would have figured? 

Image representing Google as depicted in Crunc...

Image via CrunchBase

(For those of you keeping track, “nostril parade” had 31 Google results when I posted my first entry.  Today it has 60 results…granted, mostly due to the fact that I keep mentioning it).

Finally, it’s time to remind everyone of a few things – (1) If you have not yet clicked over and voted for this as the best humor blog…why not?  If you feel the need to first read every single humor blog on the internet before you can fairly make this assertion, please, don’t go to all the trouble.  Just trust me, this one’s the best.  So please head over and vote now.  (2) Similarly, I still need help spreading the word that this blog exists.  My traffic has dropped by over fifty percent in the last couple of weeks and I can’t figure out why.  What’s up with that?  Send emails to everyone you know – we can’t change the world if the world doesn’t know we’re over here trying to change it.  To those of you who keep reading, I appreciate your support.  (3) In order to keep up my weekly reader suggested post, I’ll soon be needing more reader’s suggestions.  So, if there’s anything you’d like me to take on in the future, please leave it in the comment section.

That’s it for the update.  Thanks for reading.   Thanks for your comments.  And, of course, nostril parade.

  1. Stephanie says:

    Hey Buddy!
    So, how about an entry on people who speak in the third person?

    I’m not sure how clever the topic is, but it is so irritating to hear our KC coach speak!!


  2. heathersnyder1 says:

    If you vote now for Makya McBee Vs. as Best Humor Blog, you can win a Sparkley Unicorn. Who wouldn’t want a Sparkley Unicorn? VOTE NOW, or I will sneak into your house in the middle of the night, log in to your account and do it for you, then try on your clothes and sing ABBA songs and Showtunes. This threat is real people.

    Did you also know that there is a category for voting on Hottest Dad Blog or Hottest Mom Blog. That is interesting, did not know there was a Hot Daddy blogs out there. I am missing out on a lot.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Makya McBee Vs. can neither confirm nor deny rumors that unicorns (sparkly or otherwise) are prizes in any contest on this blog. We can, however, confirm the fact that Heather will indeed try on your clothes and sing ABBA in the middle of the night…trust me, it’s real.

  3. heathersnyder1 says:

    Yes, I will try on their clothes and sing ABBA in the middle of the night (as long as they are not living in the state of Texas or Florida). I’m not allowed to do that anymore in those states. Although, they never ruled out the singing of Showtunes. But, living in the other states…you are fair game!

  4. Josha says:

    I kinda wish i hadn’t already voted now. that just sounds like an entertaining night.

    • Jennifer says:

      I agree with Josha, I wish I hadn’t already voted. It sounds like a rip-roaring good time. But I will vote again if heathersnyder1 can serenade us with the complete ABBA soundbook, and secretly try on our clothes in the middle of the night…all while riding on a Sparkley Unicorn. Sounds like my kind of gal.

      • Makya McBee says:

        This is my kind of comment. It’s so lovely to see one humble blog bringing the people of the world together. Maybe we can all grab a picnic lunch sometime.

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    Jennifer I will serenade everyone with the complete ABBA soundbook, and secretly try on everyones’ clothes in the middle of the night…all while riding on a Sparkley Unicorn. Only if you will serenade everyone with the complete ABBA soundbook, and secretly try on everyones’ clothes in the middle of the night, riding on a Sparkley Unicorn-AND-all while baking a cake, reciting Shakespeare and doing the “Robot Dance”.

    Methinks Jennifer, you have been served! (Whatever that means, I heard it on a movie).

    • Jennifer says:

      Oh it is on…like…Donkey Kong. Bring it girl, I challenge you to a duel. I will serenade everyone with the complete ABBA soundbook, and secretly try on everyones’ clothes in the middle of the night, riding on a Sparkley Unicorn, all while baking a cake, reciting Shakespeare and doing the “Robot Dance” if you can do all of that =and= do the running of the bulls and walk on hot coals…all in the name of Makya McBee Vs.

      • Makya McBee says:

        It’s my worst fear – Makya McBee Vs. readers Vs. each other…don’t do it. You’re both talented young women, it doesn’t have to end this way…

  6. I could sing the ABBA soundbook and I would like a Sparkley Unicorn, please. I draw the line at running of the bulls and hot coals. That is not ironic.

    Congratulations on the 39 day/78 day update, and I knew you could take care of Spam for us. Thank you.

    • Makya McBee says:

      No problem. I understand that with great blog comes great responsibility and I do it all for you. Where should I have the unicorn delivered?

      • Well, I live in Maryland. But if I tell you the exact address to deliver the unicorn, then heathersnyder1 will come try on my clothes at night. I wouldn’t mind hearing the ABBA. But no one, I mean no one touches my clothes or my shoes. Especially my Manolo Blahniks.

      • Makya McBee says:

        I’ll just address it to “Maryland” – it’s not that big of a state, you’ll probably be able to find it.

  7. heathersnyder1 says:

    No problem Makya. Jennifer and I will one day live in a world where we can join forces for all of Makya McBee Vs. As long as I still get to sing ABBA, she can keep the Sparkley Unicorn. I have no use for Mythical Creatures, sparkley or otherwise.

    • Jennifer says:

      Deal. What was I thinking? I get distracted by glittery objects & the promise of a Sparkley Unicorn almost made me go crazy.

  8. roxyhart1973 says:

    Just voted for what is now my favorite Best Humor Blog. Thank you very much for these humorous posts. It’s also great to know another Steve Martin aficionado. You have got to see him in concert playing banjo. He is touring at the moment. Here’s the link:

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