Vs. Popcorn

Posted: May 13, 2011 in Food
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal.  Each time I create a blog entry, I wonder how many people will share in my distaste for the subject matter.  This time, I fear no one will relate.  But I’m going to say it anyway.  I don’t care for popcorn.

My number one problem – the hull.  As a child, when I was ruthlessly peer-pressured into eating this snack at the movie theater, every single time I would get pieces of the hull stuck in my throat.  Then, like a cat with a hairball, I’d choke my way through the last hour of Soul Man.  No food is worth having some plant husk clinging to my uvula.

That’s right, popcorn ruined C. Thomas Howell for me.

Plus, it doesn’t even taste that good.  It’s like Styrofoam packing material…with butter.  Think about it, if popcorn was so great, why do we have to coat it in salt, cover it in butter, drown it in caramel?  It can’t survive on its own.

And, on top of that, I don’t trust popcorn.  You’ve got this small, hard, yellow kernel and you turn your back for one second…and it turns into a lumpy, white, fluffy fellow.  It’s gotten bigger and yet weighs less – is that even scientifically possible?  What is popcorn trying to hide?  What is its agenda?  Why does a container of this mysterious treat that’s worth about nineteen cents cost twelve dollars?

Popcorn

Image via Wikipedia

It litters the floors of movie theaters and stadiums.  It pops incessantly in office microwaves across the country, filling workplaces with its deceptive aroma.  It haunts my dreams.  (Okay, that last one’s not true, but I couldn’t think of a third thing that it does).

And, lastly, it makes me feel like a pariah.  (Oh, I guess that’s the third thing).  Because I’m the only one that doesn’t like it.  Just me.  Not another human being on the planet.  So, explain it to me, people.  What’s so great about taking out a second mortgage to buy a bucket of mini butter sponges that leave hulls clinging to the back of your throat like stranded rock climbers?

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I navigate this maddening maize maze?  I can only try and talk reason.  Come on people, if you want some corn – get it on the cob.  That way you can pretend like you’re an old fashioned typewriter as you eat.  So much fun.  Go crazy, get it creamed.  Or, enjoy your corn in flake form.  Heck, try some ketchup, aluminum, spark plugs, shaving cream, crayons, whiskey or shoe polish…all of which are made (to some degree) with good, old corn.  But I, for one, am saying no to popcorn.  Don’t try and make me consume this overrated snack…I won’t eat it…not a chance in hull.

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Comments
  1. Not to mention how annoying it is when the kernels do not pop and are left at the bottom…

    • Makya McBee says:

      But can you blame them? They know that if they pop they’ll be eaten. I imagine them at the bottom of the bag, shaking in terror, trying desperately to control the water boiling inside them…those unpopped kernels are the lucky few…the survivors…and, yeah, they’re annoying…

  2. angelina says:

    Hulls kill dude! Speaking as someone that works in a dental setting. Your cleaning a patients teeth and all the sudden up pops a hull from deep under the gums. “oh mr. Such and such when was the last time you had popcorn?” Then Mr. Such and such answeres ” Four weeks ago, Why?” Yes its gross hulls lie in wait, popcorn is truely an evil snack!

  3. Elizabeth Dodd says:

    Makya,
    Our cat, Geraldine, wants to tell you that popcorn is her favorite people food–popcorn and Burger King burgers. The rest is not interesting to her.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Angelina – I had no ideas that hulls could kill – even more reason to avoid popcorn. And are you talking about Gary Such and such? I went to college with that guy.

      Elizabeth – Geraldine knows full well that I’m not talking to her until she apologizes…she knows why…

  4. jimsnyder1 says:

    What is really in that nasty oily stuff they call “Butter” that is poured over theater popcorn? The world may never know.

  5. roxyhart1973 says:

    Can I still love Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn? When you put White Cheddar Powder on everything, it gets better.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Never fear, you can love anything you want. I don’t expect people to agree with me 100% of the time…anywhere in the 94-97% range is acceptable. And now, in an effort to better myself, I am going to roll around in white cheddar powder.

      • roxyhart1973 says:

        I have always wanted to roll around in white cheddar powder myself. I think that the whole world should be covered in white cheddar powder. Just a dream of mine.

        I won’t quite agree with you on this particular popcorn story, but I will give you 1,000,010% on the rest of your blog.

      • Makya McBee says:

        Way to give 110%…or much, much more…I guess I can make an exception for versusing people who give 110% when they’re directing that percentage at my endeavors…

  6. theoneyearchallenge says:

    The unpopped kernels are called “Old Maids”. Really. So, popcorn is rude and judgmental, too.

    • Makya McBee says:

      If there’s even a kernel of truth to what you say, I’m even more displeased with popcorn than ever – thanks for being the second person in the world that doesn’t like popcorn.

  7. rachel says:

    hey, i don’t like popcorn either – let’s start a club

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